Friday, August 31, 2012


The past few days I've been finding it harder and harder to connect with this space. Part of it has to do with the demands of daily life. I started teaching again this week, resulting in my spending most of my waking hours responding to emails, meeting with students and just trying to keep my nose above water (the 'head' is a pipe-dream). I'm loving every minute, but obviously it doesn't leave much time for anything else.

But on another level, I've felt a pull to disconnect from the ALI world. Unlike last year, where I felt I had so much to say, I'm feeling a lot more silent. Part of this has to do with us being on hold for expanding our family, as no adoption agency will work with us until after our move. The other part is not knowing how to connect with others who are moving on. In a way, it feels like that after everything Grey and I have been through, we no longer belong.

I struggle with these feelings of exclusion and limbo on a daily basis. A lot of it has to do with the mind-set of this process and how driven everyone is to resolve. I've yet to meet anyone who undergoes fertility treatments who truly believes they won't work. Yes there's always the worry of failure, but there's also the promise of hope. So to be on the end where things haven't worked with no future plans for attempting to make them work isolates me from others. The adoption process is even trickier based on our current circumstances. It's not that we've failed, but more like a failure to launch that's put me into a funk.

In short, I'm trying to figure out where to go from here, redefining my role. I still firmly identify as being infertile, but now more than ever as one of those unspoken cases where a happy-ending isn't as clear. While others around me move forward, finding some resolution, I instead feel like train-wreak that one passes, allowing those that travel through to silently feel relief that life isn't as bad.

What's hard about all these feelings is that most of them are not valid. Sure, others are moving on and finding their babies while we've stopped all efforts. But Grey and I aren't drifting aimlessly. During this break from the TTC madness, we've focused on repairing not only our relationship but also ourselves. For the first time in my life, I finally feel that I am in a safe place to talk openly about all that we've lived through and to actually beginning repairing the damage. We're both breaking old patterns and getting in touch with anxieties and fears about ourselves and our future. None of it has been easy, but we're already seeing the benefits from this. On top of this, this break has really allowed us to better understand why we want children. To explore what it is we want from the role of being 'parent' as well as to really assess whether we have in place qualities to allow children to grow and thrive. This assessment has been incredibly important because of how lacking it is in general in the world. I'm particularly sensitive to this lack because it was lacking in my own life for so long. No child should be a  possession.

In addition to all this work, there's been good things too. Grey and I have developed a weekly ritual of pulling Angel Cards. This was mine for the week

We've also been playing in the garden more recently. Grey's basil and flower boxes are doing very well and the fuchsias did incredibly well this year. I've also discovered a new plant called Melothria scabra, also known as a 'Mouse Melon.' When you see the fruits, it's not hard to see why.

All in all, we're doing well. Better than expected, actually. There are still moments of sadness and anger, but as the days go by I'm feeling more at peace; almost resolved considering our lot.

I guess the whole point of this diatribe is that I'm struggling to figure out where I belong. I'm struggling because we didn't get our happy-ending and yet I know we're going to be okay. Surprisingly okay. All of which isn't what one is suppose to be experiencing when living with infertility and loss because this peace is suppose to be reserved for when you finally resolve. When you're finally holding your children. 


  1. It's amazing to me - and correct me if I'm wrong - that you're feeling GUILTY about being at peace?
    The guilt-free-yet-to-be-resolved club is officially open. I'm a founding member. JOIN US.
    Love you!

  2. I'm really sorry you're feeling this way, Cristy. I'm not saying it's right or wrong (because, as we all know, feelings just ARE), but I want you to know that, for what it's worth, I don't see you as a train-wreck or an outsider. Through your writing I've come to know you as a whole person, not just as a fellow infertile, and I always look forward to "hearing" your voice - even if you're only talking about mouse melons. :)

    If you need to pull away from this community, then that's what you do. Just know that if you do, you will be very missed, my friend.

  3. Cristy, I think it's wonderful that you're taking this time for yourself, away from adoption or TTC. You have a plan. You know where you're headed, but now there are other things to focus on, and that's okay.

    You know, I'm sure many readers would love to know what you're up to, even if it has nothing to do with growing your family. Maybe it's time to expand what this space means to you?

  4. I think you do belong here with all of us. Life changes but know that me and this community love to, read your insightful post and we are all here to support you regardless where you are in your life.

  5. Selfishly, I would miss you terribly if you didn't blog any longer. I think there is so much more you have to say. But, of course, I want you to care for yourself more than anything. I hope we can keep in touch one way or another if you decide to stop writing for a while.

  6. Just repeating what others are saying. Of course I want you to do what you feel is right for you, but gosh you would be missed. I think about you so much and so badly want resolution for you. I want to know that journey, no matter how many stops and turns you make along the way!

  7. Lots of people take a time out in blogging for many reasons. I find myself struggling to write a lot. I know you are not quite where you thought you would be, but you are on a healthy path and although you may not be persuing motherhood at the moment, it temporary. You still have loads of people who want to hear your thoughts and follow this current path you are on. We are all on different journeys, but have so much in common.
    I am proud of the progress you are making and know that things will come together.

  8. I think it's amazing that you've found some peace and contentment that doesn't revolve around growing your family--that you've found some happiness in what is happening now. That's somethiing that I know I struggle with, and I'm sure many others in this community do, too. And for what it's worth, as far as I'm concerned, there will always be a place for you here.

  9. Take all the time in the world that you need. We are here if you need us.

  10. I relate to all of this. It's difficult to know how to maintain an IF blog when you aren't actively pursuing becoming a parent. But I have to echo everyone--we love you as a whole person, as a friend, and are not reading you just to see what your next treatment or step towards adoption are. I really appreciate having a fellow blogger and friend who is actually focusing on other things right now.

    Blog if you want, step away if you want, but do stay in touch, ok? :)

  11. I'm not sure I can say much to add to what's already been said here. You do what you need to heal. And if that means stepping away for a bit, I get it- and encourage it. But I do look to you as one of the few people that is able to put a voice to infertility, loss, and healing that is very... honest. As raw as it is, I identify with the things you say and find so much to draw from in your posts. Much love you to you Cristy.

  12. Childless here and totally understanding the limbo with adoption. When we know what is going to happen with our lives we'll move into the next phase of either donor egg, adoption, or continue childless.

    Gardening is a wonderful form of therapy. I usually try to grow my plants from seeds, its the one thing I can grow. I talk to the plants and take much pleasure in watching them mature. Yes, I do sniffle a bit when a plant dies off because of all the love and attention I put into it. Maybe I'm a bit obsessive with them because of the displaced love due to lack of a child but hey its got to go somewhere.

    Take time for yourself. Email me if you want to get together before we leave.

  13. I would miss you terribly if you made e decision to stop blogging. I feel like we all battle different feelings of not belonging or no longer being sure if this is the right space to talk about certain things. You have been through so much and although you still haven't gotten your baby yet it makes me so happy to read that you are taking care of yourself and your relationship. Thinking of you...

  14. Peace is a wonderful feeling and I take that feeling in my life as a sign that I am where I am supposed to be and doing what I am supposed to be doing. I hope you don't stop blogging. I value the honesty and vulnerability you share with us, but I understand you have to do what is best for you.

  15. OMG -- I remember at my nephew's baptism (twins for my sister!) I, too, got an angel card. It may also have been "Peace," although I just rummaged through my drawer and couldn't find it.

    These phrases resonated for me: "failure to launch" and " focused on repairing not only our relationship but also ourselves."

    I wish for you peace now and as you keep moving forward in your journey.

  16. I don't think being ok is necessarily tied to finally having a child. I think being ok happens when you're at peace with where you are and how you got there, regardless of with child or not. It sounds like that's the place that you and Grey are entering. I'm so happy to hear this and wish this for you for years and years to come no matter what life brings your way (dozens of children or otherwise)! You two truly deserve it.

  17. Like others have said, I am all for you doing whatever makes you happy and gives you peace, but I would miss you so so much. It does make me really happy to hear you healing yourself and your relationship! I hope like that card says, you find peace.


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