#MicroblogMondays: Pennies

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Last Tuesday, He-Beat went in for a second surgery to place ear tubes. The tubes that were placed last October (when both Beats went in) had fallen out/become blocked and he was starting to develop chronic ear infections. After a couple of months of pain, Grey and I made the decision to bring him back in knowing full well that surgery would be quick, but recovery could take awhile.

Unfortunately, shortly after surgery He-Beat caught an upper-respiratory infection. Between the high fevers and rapid breathing due to his immune system being stressed out and him not fighting this infection very well, it's been a stressful week for all involved. Two nights ago I laid with him, scared out of my mind because I could feel his little heart pounding away as he lay there. Praying that the fever would break soon and that he would soon be back to his cheerful self. All while pushing away the terrifying thoughts of losing him.

Yesterday Grey took over childcare for a few hours, giving me a chance to work on lectures that have been neglected. As I walked to the coffee shop, I found myself scanning my surroundings, taking in the day and the scenery. Looking down, I found two scuffed-up pennies laying face-down in the asphalt.

Many are familiar with the rhythm "See a penny, pick it up. All day long you'll have good luck," but years ago I was corrected that one is only suppose to pick up pennies that are facing face-up, otherwise their luck is canceled if not turned bad. For years after that I would think about that as I would find pennies, wondering if my causal disregard meant anything.

And then infertility hit. Followed by our losses. Like so many, I became superstitious. I held on to anything that would bring hope and luck each cycle. It was after our third failed cycle, though, that I threw all that out the window. I stopped looking for token and good luck charms. Instead, I started embracing symbols that reminded me to live regardless of the outcome. To find light even in darkness.

Before our final treatment cycle, Grey informed me that we were black cats as others viewed us harboring bad luck. And yet we continued to persevere, choosing to live and exist without apology. It was after that conversation that we started embracing symbols associated with "bad luck," such as petting black cats that crossed our paths, celebrating Friday the 13th and stepping on cracks in sidewalks. And it was then I started picking up face-down pennies; carrying them in my pocket for the day and pressing them in my palm during moments where it felt like it was too much.

Seeing those beaten up face-down pennies made me catch my breath. And as I lovingly scooped up what others would avoid, I closed my eyes and whispered a soft prayer. "Please hold my family safe during this time. Please help us transition."