Weird Goodbye

It's confirmed: Pregnancy is not viable. We had our ultrasound today and I should be 5w5days pregnant if everything is normal. Instead we saw a very small gestational sac that measured under 4 weeks. Dr. Sage and Dr. Optimism agree on the diagnosis: blighted ovum. Medication has been stopped. I have a D&C scheduled for Wednesday.

I'm numb from all of this. Part of me wants to be angry and bitter over all of this. To scream at everyone who told me coming up to this moment that everything would be fine and that I simply needed to relax. But the other part of me is simply at peace because the roller coaster from last week is now over. Grey and I will move forward with our plan; we will try again with our other 6 embryos. And though we don't know the outcome of this plan, we do know that we will expand our family. For now, we have some closure.

The other question I'm struggling with is whether this is actually a loss. I hurt so much right now because I wanted this baby, but in truth we didn't get very far with this pregnancy.  We never saw a heartbeat; an image of a fetal pole. It's more like the loss of an idea instead of the loss of something that was real. Because of this, I feel guilty for even grieving, for calling this a miscarriage. Because I know so many of you have lost your babies, experienced the pain of no longer seeing your baby's heartbeat.

So this is my weird goodbye to this baby. My tribute to my child who I will never hold in my arms. Your father and I loved you and will always love you. We both wish today would have been different, that a miracle would have happened. Instead, all I can say is I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you and help you grow. That I couldn't bring you into this world. You will always be in our hearts.