Rules of Engagment?

My fertility clinic is unusual. It's a relatively young practice embedded in a women's health care center. The waiting area is filled with women from all walks of life at various stages in their reproductive life. Because of this, the waiting area is split into 2 parts: the part I and my fellow IFers inhabit is also where older patients waiting for mammographies sit. Across the way is the OB/GYN area, filled with expecting mothers and young women. Over time, the receptionists have gotten better about putting up dividers and trying to keep the two separate. Still, it's impossible not to run into large bellies and infants. Thankfully, this is the only minus of the place, so I've learned over time to breathe, keep my eyes lowered and to bring an iPod.

There was one incident, though, that could not be blocked out.

Last September, following our third and final IUI, Grey and I were waiting to meet with Dr. Optimism to discuss IVF. Our wait was longer than usual, as things were running behind schedule. As I was settling into a distracted state, I heard a loud bang followed by loud and angry shhhing. Emerging from the other side was a woman with her 7 children. Her angrily scolding them for being "bad" and shhing to quiet them. The whole time, the kids ignored her, hitting one another, crying loudly and creating a scene. As she approached reception, an older woman sighed and said something along the lines of I-understand-how-hard-you-have-it-because-I-came-from-a-large-family-too. The mother made a huge gesture of rolling her eyes and complaining about how difficult is was to parent such a large family, talking about how her husband came from a family with 11 kids (BTW: husband is no where is sight). It was then that the eldest stopped hitting his younger brothers with a plastic water bottle, turned and looked at the woman. Smiling sweetly, he announced "my daddy wanted 11 children."

Yeah. I had the same reaction

The past couple of days, I've been thinking more and more about that incident. Especially in light of the discussion going on in many of the healing salons. About how I never want to be that selfish, both to my children but also by exposing others struggling to expand their family to any pain.

Infertility is an awful disease that is poorly understood by the general populous. Because of this, IFers feel like outsiders while battling to expand their families. Finding this community is a lifesaver for many, giving women the opportunity to share their journeys and connect with others.

So what happens when you get a BFP?

Sunday, as we made our way in the second beta, my mind became filled with imagines from the past 2 years. Memories of those dark moments, where it seemed everyone around me was announcing their pregnancies. Feelings of isolation and loneliness during the months of negative results. And jealousy of women who were able to conceive without a second thought. Following our miscarriage in January, Grey and I struggled with just being a part of life. No one, outside of those who had lived through IF and a few close friends and family members, understood.

The results from Friday and Sunday haven't changed my mind-set. Despite having two excellent betas, I not all giddy and announcing to the world that I was successful able to POAS; I'm still holding my breath and proceeding cautiously. Because I know all too well that it can end.

My other problem is that this news comes on the heels of learning about failed cycles and miscarriages for fellow bloggers. Too much heartbreak for women I care about and all of whom do not deserve this pain. And if I could, I would wave my magic wand and make it so that every woman on this journey was pregnant with the guarantee that it would go smoothly resulting in a baby to take home.

So where does this leave me? Well, I'm still trying to figure that out. I plan on continuing to blog, focusing on infertility. Because I am infertile and I know that infertility is now part of my identity. But as I progress through this journey, no matter the outcome, I know that I will need to write about it to some extent. Hence, I'm at a loss. How can I proceed without hurting those I care about?

This is where I open it up to all of you. In hopes of gleaning some knowledge and insight from this community. You've taught me so much in such a short period of time, I know that I won't be disappointed.

Brief update on this end: Our first ultrasound is a week from Thursday. As many have suggested in the comments, the "T" word has been dropped a lot by the REs and their team. What will be will be.