They're pregnant.
That's been the theme of the past couple of weeks.
Following the confirmation that I had miscarried on April Fool's Day, it's become of month of cruel jokes. Starting with the WTF appointment where there is no explanation for why I miscarried other than the idea that the pregnancy wasn't a healthy one. Okay, I can handle that. But to follow up all of this with NOTHING being changed for the next FET, minus close monitoring and Crinone 2x day, and I felt slapped.
Then last week, Grey's old roommate (the one who's wedding resulted in half the guests with food poisoning, which resulted in Grey's sperm count dropping) called to happily share the news that they are expecting, due in September.
Punch number 1.
Finally there was the news from this morning. BIL called Grey yesterday to tell him that they are expecting their third child. Grey didn't have the heart to tell me, thinking that there would be a way to tell me the news in a couple of weeks. Instead, last night it triggered a blow-out resulting in me sleeping on the couch. He leveled with me this morning, delivering the blow as best he could.
TKO. Frankly, it's almost comical.
I need to go on record that I am in no way wishing any ill-will on these people. They are family, we love them dearly and we look forward to meeting their babies very soon.
Still, this news hurts. It hurts because we've struggled so hard to get to this point of knowing that it's possible to even get pregnant only to lose both pregnancies while most people do this without a second thought. It's one cruel joke after the next and I'm beyond tired of it. I'm tired of longing for something that feels less obtainable with every passing day. I'm tired of grieving day after day. I'm tired of all the tears, and having to make excuses when someone shares their good news. Just tired.
Dee and I had a session last night. With one look at me, she immediately booked weekly appointments. "You're not in a good place" she said, and my brief update confirmed that. So last night she had me put the image of my broken body into an opaque tupperware container to begin dealing with next week. But with the news, that image has been screaming from its plastic cage and I've been having a hard time ignoring it.
Honestly, I'm ready to throw in the towel. After 2.5 yrs on this road, all I have to show for all of this is an extra 20 lbs and a very broken heart. I no longer have faith that I'll be able to hold my biological children and the images of those potential faces have been washed from my mind's eye. And it makes me so sad because all I ever wanted out of this whole process was to one day hold them.
Today is going to be a hard day. Thank the universe I had the foresight to keep Polaris in my purse.
1013th Friday Blog Roundup
7 hours ago
Groan. I so feel your pain, girl. In fact, I feel like you just punched ME. I try my hardest not to travel down the "why me, it's so unfair" road but when people all around you are getting knocked up it's SO SO hard not to! I have to actively remind myself that that road leads to nowhere but heartache.
ReplyDeleteI've thought so much about throwing in the towel but I think even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I know it's the same for you. So I'm going to throw your own words of comfort back at you: we WILL get there. There WILL be joy, damn it! (Okay, the "damn it" was my own addition.)
BTW so glad to hear you'll be seeing Dee once/week. I must admit I'm a bit jealous actually. I think the time has come for me to make some space for therapy in my life again.
Hugs to you always.
Hey you, hang in there. I am wishing all my might for things to turn around for you. It just has to. Take it easy today and I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I'll be thinking of you and sending you lots of good thoughts. xoxo
ReplyDelete**Thinking of you Cristy.** I wish there was something I could do to make this all better, easier. You deserve a break, and I hope that May brings new and better things for you.
ReplyDeleteI really don't have much to say because I am not exactly in the brightest place myself right now. But I am sending you the biggest virtual hug imaginable! I know you are in so much pain right now, and honestly its your right to feel that way. I hope you get through today okay, we will work on the rest from there. XOXO
ReplyDeleteOh Cristy I am sorry. The pregnancy annoucement tear deep in our souls. Some days it seems like it takes everything within us not to snap. I know that you will have better days ahead and also rough days like this. Give polaris a big squeeze. Keep your chin up sweetie and keep going forward because you are full of determination and love to give.
ReplyDeleteUg. Your attack of pregnancy announcements is bugging me, and they aren't even my relatives. ;) You don't have to explain the feelings you have. There is room for happiness/envy/and sorrow all in the same heart. It will get better. Every step you take, even if it results in a hard fall, brings you closer to finding the answers and having your child in your arms. Even if the answer is that you have to give up on one road and take another.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best of luck for your upcoming FET. Don't give up hope.
I'm just so sorry my friend. I wish I could do something. Just know that a good day will come and you will feel better than you do today. I am coming up on 3 years and feel so tired of it all. 3 years of thinking of little other than a baby. If this cycle doesn't work, we will be booking ourselves some sort of vacation.
ReplyDeleteHold strong. call me anytime and know you aren't alone.
Sometimes I think that it must have been (slightly) easier to be an infertile back in the 1920's before there were cell phones to deliver instant "we're expecting news", or TVs that showed blissfully happy families together, or the internet that just... tells us too much. I'm so sorry Christy. Nothing about this is easy or fun.
ReplyDeleteFirst, thank you, thank you for such kind words to me. I really, really appreciate them.
ReplyDeleteSecond, feeling you. I live in truly what has to be the most fertile place on the planet (the 'youngest city' in the country—a huge Marine base town) and bumps and babies are EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE.
Even with a living child...10.5 years of struggling with IF defines me...and it never doesn't hurt.
I'm sorry for your punches. I'd love to tell you to hang in there...look at how long it took us to finally get pregnant (AND bring the baby home)...but friend, I get how bitter those words taste. I'm sorry...Just sorry and wish it wasn't the way it was.
I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly. I can only imagine how all this feels. I don't even want to say that one day you will get your silver lining, because one never knows what will happen in the future - however this dark cloud WILL PASS. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel right now. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteAh, suck. Those pregnancy announcement just burn, branding right on to the heart. I'm sorry for your recent losses, as well. (Here from ICLW)
ReplyDeleteI know what its like to be unable to imagine a positive test or being pregnant or your children. For me it has gotten better, even though I still can't imagine these things. I pray it gets better for you! I'm soo sorry you're hurting!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. It doesn't make any sense, and it is so hard to see everyone around us get pregnant without even seemingly trying. And I know how scary that next FET will be... especially when there is no explanation for why things went the way they did the first two times. We all do the best we can. And know that I'm here if you need to talk. Or not talk. I'm good at both.
ReplyDeleteOh Cristy, this just breaks my heart but I totally understand. If you didn't have days when you wanted to throw in the towel, you wouldn't be human! I have more days like that than I care to admit. I am here for you WHENEVER you need me. Sending you big hugs.
ReplyDeleteI swear its something in the air right now. I too have seen way too many pregnancy announcements and baby bellies in the past week. Makes you want to scream! I'm glad you have a good therapist. I get to vent tomorrow when I see mine.
ReplyDeleteCristy, this stinks. :( I wish I could make things easier somehow.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love and healing thoughts.
*hugs*
Sending you a huge hug.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is - I know.
This can be so freaking exhausting sometimes.
Ok - all the time.
Brutal and so unfair. I don't understand any of it. I'm so sorry for your losses. There is a happy ending at the end of it all - it's not over until there is. Thanks for posting.
ReplyDeletePregnancy announcements were the last thing you needed. I hope your therapist can help you work through things. Sending you a big Hug, good thoughts and peace.
ReplyDeleteThe pain and the hurt in this post... my heart just aches for you. Those pg announcements, especially following a loss that's still so recent - they sting. No, they more than sting - it's like being kicked when you're down. Those children - the ones you've lost, the ones you've yet to meet - they will never leave your mind's eye or your heart. They will always be a part of you.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending you so much love and light. Here from ICLW, returning your comment. Hang in there - we're all rooting for you!
You need a shield...or a mask...or a helmet. Something to deflect the punches. I've had many announcements made this month to me as well. I actually am on a Fbook boycott. Hang in there...
ReplyDeleteKatie
I'm so sorry for your pain. I felt myself tearing up a little bit because I've been just where you are. I pray that your upcoming FET is successful and that you have some peace.
ReplyDeletePregnancy announcements are so hard to take. I'm so sorry you're in this place and I completely understand your frustration and wish to throw in the towel. You're an incredibly strong woman and I know you will make the right decision for you and Grey. And I know that whatever you decide you will be ok. *huge huge hugs* Hoping so hard that this next FET is the one for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for these punches, Cristy. I know the 2,5 year marker was the worst for me. I was so immensely down in the dumps, the lowest I ever was when TTC. Like you, it had to do with everyone around me being pregnant or sharing their great news of another pregnancy, which I just couldn't handle at that point.
ReplyDeleteBut, I wasn't ready to give up at that point and so I somehow managed to carry on. Protect yourself and do what you need to as long as you need. We're here and we understand.
Hearing about friends being pregnant is always a punch in the stomach. {{HUGS}}
ReplyDeletePerusing your blog via ICLW (#86)
Ouch... those would hurt. Thinking you with all my heart hun xo
ReplyDeleteOof, those are some nasty punches, no matter how happy you are for the couples. Other than BFNs, pregnancy announcements may be the hardest part of IF.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're feeling so exhausted by all of this and ready to throw in the towel. I am feeling much the same way--get me out of this hellhole, I'm done. The months after miscarriage(s) are so, so difficult and my heart goes out to you. I'm glad that Dee booked you for extra sessions so you have that support each week to look forward to. Take care--thinking of you.