Overwhelmed

Today Grey and I went to an informational meeting about adoption. The purpose behind this meeting was fairly simple: gather information regarding Plan B. I'd been looking forward to this meeting for weeks, hoping it would give me something to hold onto as we proceeded with this final round of treatment. Instead, I walked out of the agency on the verge of tears.

A little bit of background: the agency that we chose to start researching this process is call Amara. Grey and I learned about this agency about a year ago while we were active with our support group, with many members talking about it's success rates. Amara is unique, as it services residents of Washington State and make their services affordable to all families. But there's a catch: they require participates to enroll in their foster-to-adopt program. Private adoptions are done, but participants are warned this will happen only if they are also enrolled in their foster-to-adopt program and that more of the costs will be out of pocket.

First, I did appreciate how honest this organization was regarding their process and how active they are with finding permanent and stable homes for children. The staff at this agency is very committed to this goal, working extensively to ensure that the entire process is to the benefit of the child.

Second, I'm okay with foster to adopt. I feel there are many children in the foster system who just need a loving home. But it's also a harder road. Most of these kids have been pulled from their birth parents and come from chaotic environments. Though the rewards are great, there is a lot of work that needs to be done with these children. And rarely do people actually talk about how stressful this is for the adoptive parents. That as much as they love their children, this road takes a very special type of parent.

Cue feeling anxious.

Still, I figured this could be done. Naively I thought "I've survived fertility treatments and loss, showing that I'm more than willing to do what it takes to expand my family." Yes I know that adoption is not an easy process, one involving opening yourself to more invasion in privacy, anxious waiting and tests of sanity than most people can begin to imagine.

But I want to be a mother.

I can do this!

Then we were presented with the timeline for this entire process.
-Assembling the material/completing training: 4-6 months
-Matching children with potential parents: 10-18 months
-Finalization of the process: 4-24 months

Total time for the average adoption: 2 years.

Cue shaking.

Confession time: I had it in my mind that this whole process would not take more than a year. That with all the hoops, there was still a chance that this would be my last Mother's Day in limbo. Because at least we would know where our child was coming from. That at least there would be a chance to end this madness. Instead, I was hit with the reality that we very well could be spending even more time waiting. A LOT more time, if we narrowed our options. Add in the possibility of relocating out of state for work, and the process is extended. In fact, the agency encourages couples to wait if they know this will be happening until they are more settled.

Fuck. Double fuck.

I've spent most of the afternoon curled up in bed, taking my frustration out on Grey. The poor guy is trying, but we had a moment last night where he mistakenly brought up BIL's wife and how difficult her last pregnancy was. Yes, fertile women who have no trouble conceiving get the world feeling sympathetic for their aches and pains; infertile women are shunned and are classified as potential child-stealers.

I am officially a crazy lady, even more pissed than I could ever imagine. All right before Mother's Day, when I get to be reminded for yet another year that I still do not have a child in my arms. And at this rate, it feels like it will never happen.