Wednesday, May 8, 2013

To tell or not to tell . . .

Last week was one of mixed emotions. Grey and I are still over the moon from all the good news we received about the Beats, which has allowed us to start taking cautious steps towards preparing for their arrival. A strange thing to think about, but also something we're finding those around us in real life are embracing. But with all this good news has come the question those closest to us ask in a quieter and concerned tone: "Have you told your parents?"

Quick recap on my history for those of you who haven't been following from the beginning: I haven't spoken to my family in almost 2 yrs. My childhood was one that I don't consider overly unusual, but it's clear my mother is both emotionally and physically abusive and my father is an enabler. The "straw" that resulted in this lack of contact was when my mother pushed for Grey and me to adopted my second cousin after he had been removed from his mother's care due to repeated incidents of neglect and violence. When it became clear that they were willing to sacrifice me in order to support the family dysfunction, I knew it was time to remove myself from the madness.

Fast forward to present day. To my knowledge, my family knows nothing about that's happened over the past couple of years. No clue we underwent IVF, no idea about our losses and  certainly no understanding of all the heartache and the grief we've lived through. And they don't know about the Beats.

And I naively believed that as long as I didn't say anything, they never would.

Last week before the anatomy scan, Grey and I had our meetings with both David and Dee where this issue came up. The second I told them that I had no intention to inform my family about the Beats, but David and Dee gave me a look that said "um, but they're still going to find out." Probing this further resulted in a very panicky Cristy, as this wasn't something I had considered. After all, in my mind I had zero idea how they would find out. Outside of an uncle that lives in the area, who know all about the fallout, we've told no one about our news. But the further Dee and David pushed this point, the clearer it became that it really was a matter of time. That somehow there would either be a slip or, due to the internet, some hint that would lead to them discovering the Beats.

And that knowledge frightens me to my very core.

Here's the worst case scenario: come late summer or fall, my family learns about these two. Cue my parents and anyone else who's feeling righteous hopping a plane and arriving on my front stoop. Suddenly, instead of focusing on getting these two here safely and in healthy of a state as possible, Grey and I are thrusted back into the dysfunction, fighting off the insanity from those who decided long ago that infertility was a just punishment for me and Grey for not playing the game. Trust me, I've been down that rabbit hole one too many times and the only situation where it gets any beter is when I've given in and allowed myself to be the whipping boy.

The past week I've been trying to figure out what to do to prepare for when my family finds out. Initially Dee suggested that I simply send them a birth announcement, similar to when my sister sent her wedding invitation. But the problem with this approach is that it opens the lines of communication. And I'm not ready to deal with the madness that is involved with going down that rabbit hole. To do so means I have to sacrifice my family, these two wonderful beings who deserve so much more. So that leaves only a second alternative, which is to prepare for the storm. To fortify the ourselves for the backlash that is sure to come when they learn about this.

Still, I'm unclear exactly how to do this. How to manage it all. As I told Dee, I was so happy with my orignal idea; this new knowledge hasn't been sitting well at all.

Anyone with any thoughts or advice, please leave a comment. I could use it.

22 comments:

  1. No clue. Wishing you luck though.

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  2. I don't have much in the way of actual advice, but I am so sorry you're dealing with this!!!

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  3. I am so sorry for the agonies you face. And so sorry your parents have never been what you have needed and wanted them to be. But today is yours....and you have to take shelter from them. Abuse is like a hurricane, and you have to protect yourself. Two years with no contact makes it pretty clear that they are not interested. And they don't get "new rights" just because there are new family members involved. Not sure how they will find out but I wouldn't give them the courtesy of an announcement. Just because someone is "family" doesn't mean they deserve a piece of our hearts or lives. Take shelter, and just focus on your Beats. They are all that matter :).

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  4. This is a really hard one.

    My thought is how yu come up with what is right for you is to model a few different options, and then think wha you like and dislike about each, and then from that work out what your preferred model is, and perhaps a back up position, or at least you will have worked out different solutions which you could play if you want.

    What about a compromise position? Your instinct is not to tell. What about going along with that, and having a strategy for handling if they find out?

    Second idea, based more on Dee's position, you make the announcement that you are a parent, but with no information about the Beats? And maybe within this ask that you maintain the separation for the sake of you and your family..

    Good luck

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  5. I can't even begin to give advice, but I do want to say that I'm very sorry for all that you've had to go through in relation to your family. I'm sorry that you haven't been able to have them alongside you in the fight for your fertility. And I'm sorry that neither you nor the Beats will be able to have them in your lives going forward. I wish you clarity and wisdom in making this tough choice.

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  6. Take care of yourself and your family first. If the extended people do find out and get upset, you just have to take the attitude that you're protecting yourself from future grief and move on. Easy for me to say, though. I'm not in your situation. However, I'm commenting to let you know that, as a former listener of the podcast, I'm supporting you, and I admire your perseverance and strength. Just as you bravely dealt all the infertility punches thrown at you, you will be able to handle this. Use that same courage in this new challenge. I'm sending positive thoughts your way!

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  7. I honestly don't know what the best thing to do is. All I can tell you is what I would be inclined to do in this situation. If I had nothing to do with my family of origin and didn't want them in my children's lives, I wouldn't say anything. I guess I would feel that they really had no right or reason to know. But of course you do have to worry about the fallout if/when they do find out, so...I don't know. I'm afraid I'm not very helpful. I hope you'll be able to come up with a solution that you and Grey are both at peace with. Good luck.

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  8. Cristy, I am so sorry you are facing this on top of everything else at the moment. I can really relate, as we have a similar situation on my husband's side of the family, who basically told us that our son's death was some kind of a cosmic lesson and that we should forget ever being parents and 'move on'. Very dysfunctional and my MIL suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. We haven't seen them in person for almost three years and they are unaware of our subsequent losses or continued efforts to start a family. So I can empathize, and if it was me at the point you're at (because I've fantasized it so many times), I know I'd try to keep them out of the picture for as long as possible. I agree with what others have written above; you have to make YOUR family the top priority right now. You've struggled so hard to get here, and you deserve to experience this (as complicated and tough as it still is) in peace. If they find out and try to do something to 'force' their way in...well, I wish I had any good advice for you, because I know how emotionally draining this scenarios are. Just don't let them steal your right to call your own shots and set the boundaries that feel comfortable for you. Sending you strength as you navigate, and hoping it doesn't come to that. I hope you can remain focussed on what really matters right now and that you won't have to deal with those 'what ifs'. Thinking of you.

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  9. I am estranged from my father and my sister is not. I recently had to tell her about the pregnancy and knew that would mean my father would find out. I will not be telling him. I figure if I were to reach out in any form and tell him, be that a birth announcement or whatever, he would see that as an open door for communication. If I don't tell him and he learns through the grapevine, then it's pretty clear that I still don't want to have anything to do with him and he would be less likely to show up on my doorstep. I understand that fear, though, and I have a plan B for it. If he should show up, the door will not be opened and the police will be called to escort him off said doorstep. I will not play around. This man will NOT be involved in my child's life in any way shape or form. Period. Be brave, Cristy. You'll do what's right for you and the Beats, I'm sure of it.

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  10. Hmmm. So sorry about this. Never been in this position...but I am kind of in your camp. You pulled out of that family 2 years ago and nobody has made contact with you....Why would you open that up again? I say just have a plan for if someone does get on that plane and show up on your doorstep. Have your answers ready...maybe even write the letter telling them you wish to stay disconnected and have it waiting to hand to them and then close the door. If they don't go away...call the cops! DONE...that sends a pretty strong message to me. As I have not been in this situation....I can only say what I think I would do....but what I KNOW I would do is keep my children away from toxic people like that at all costs. How you do it may take some thinking on....but I'm with you. KEEP THEM AWAY!!!!!
    Kd

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  11. I guess it kind of depends on how bad you think the fallout would be when they found out. I mean, you already don't talk to them, so it's not like them cutting off contact is much punishment for you. Would they encourage other family members not to talk to you? Would they show up at your door, insisting on being part of the Beats' lives, and you'd have to deal with that? Either way, you don't seem to want them involved, so I guess I'm being harsh but I would say go with your gut and don't involve them. If they try to involve themselves, have a plan as to what you're going to do. But I think you're completely within your rights to want to spare your future children from the emotional abuse you underwent yourself, and I'm a bit surprised that your therapists would suggest inviting it in. But obviously I'm no professional!

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    1. I completely get where you're coming from about Dee's thinking. But what I think she's suggesting is a mechanism that allows us control over the situation. In some cases, controlling how the information is dispensed is the important part of the situation, as it allows you to dictate what is to be expected. In my case, though, I don't think it's the right choice. I was the one who cut off contact and asked they not contact me for the time being (using the excuse that my mother was about to become a grandmother and that was where her attention should be). So in this case, even a card would open up the flood gates.

      Still, I hear you. And I'm in agreement with what you're saying.

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  12. I'm sorry you have to deal with the possibility of them finding out when you would rather they not know. I don't have any advice, but I wish you peace about whatever decision you make.

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  13. I'd check back with Dee and David for a clear representation of their motivation in asking you to consider telling estranged family now or at all. Whose need for what? This is an important thinking point. It seems an unusual dialogue style, based on what you've shared of your therapy, that Dee and David are inviting conversation around this agenda. Realistically, some bridges can be crossed only at the point that we actually come to them. Perhaps there is sense in considering that which might come to be but, as is seen in everyday moments as well as ILA, there is also a middle ground of being with the life you have in front of you to take refuge in and make best use of. Wishing you love and positive thoughts for the safety and security of your family of four, Curlycroeso.

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  14. It's been a little over a year since I had any relationship with my dad, and he doesn't know about our baby (due next week). Sure, he could probably find out somehow, but I definitely won't be opening any lines of communication with him. I don't know why anyone would think it's a good idea for you to do so, either. If they do show up, don't let them in and call the cops to escort them off your property. But don't go inviting trouble by telling them your happy news!

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  15. I don't know if you're familiar with the recent fall out with my MIL. It's been a long year and I've spoken to her once, thinking we had mended things only to find out months later after no communication, we had very different ideas. She hasn't spoken to her son since October 7 of last year. She blew off his birthday. She blew off our daughter's birthday, though she did send a gift. She blew off Christmas. When we found out we were pregnant, my first inclination was to not tell her. My husband's parents are divorced, but his brother still talks to/does what ever his mommy tells him to do. Our counselor encouraged us to tell her in some fashion. My husband has no desire to talk to her at this point, and she has made no effort to contact us. I decided I was going to send a mother's day card from our daughter. We told her about our daughter on Mother's Day 2 years ago. This time I sent the card, signed from our daughter stating "i'm going to be a big sister." And included a picture of an ultrasound. Who knows what will come of it? I do know it saved my husband from having to talk to her, and at least this way she didn't find out from someone else to add fuel to her fire.

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  16. Oh wow, Cristy, this is so tough... a friend of mine is in a similar (well, not exactly -- I don't want to compare or anything) situation. She had to cut her mom off from her life entirely and simply cannot reinstigate communication, even if there are babies being born or marriages happening or anything. It's just too destructive. So as you say, it's more a question of what to do when the backlash inevitably strikes. I would say, above all, it's SO important to not allow yourself to feel guilty about withholding this information; stay strong in the face of their accusations and know that you are acting for the benefit of the Beats. You may have to take drastic measures -- lawyers, etc. -- but just try to remain calm, rely on Grey, and react to each scenario as it comes up, rather than stressing about it now.

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  17. In addition to folks who suggested having the letter about why you are done with contact with them ready (or just THAT you are done), I'd ponder how to handle a gift that shows up. One of my aunts really likes to send gifts to babies (I think she figures she won't have any grandchildren) and although we haven't mentioned the new baby to her, we got a present (probably our address was in a phone book somewhere?). Whatever you decide, I do think it's important to consider if you want to do the sharing or react when contacted about the Beats, and to be prepared for various sorts of contact should they occur. For me it relieves stress to know how I plan to react if something happens rather than being surprised and trying to come up with a reaction (I freeze when highly stressed). If that's not you, I'd say ignore the possibility and don't stress because it might never happen. I hope things go smoothly with whatever happens and that nobody bugs you.

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  18. It's so hard to know how to navigate family crap, so go with your gut? Advice from impartial third parties like Dee and David is probably good advice. Good luck.

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  19. I can't tell you how close to home this post hits for me. Our situations are different, but my mother has not been a part of my life since I was 13. From 8 to 13, things were very very bad. As an adult, she has tried to re-enter my life on a handful of occasions, and I have resisted in order to protect myself. The truth is, even to this day, I do not believe her attempts have anything at all to do with me. I think she is just selfish enough to not want people to know she is not a part of her daughters life.

    Anyone, long story short, she obviously found out about Cheeks, and apparently called my dad and threatened to hop on a plane to Alaska and show up on my doorstep to force herself into mine and my daughters lives. The thought of that had me feeling ill, and I made it very clear I would file a restraining order if I had to (I have in writing my requests from a few years ago that she move on with her life and leave me be). I still hope and pray it never comes to that, but I don't view her as the most stable person in the entire world, and I worry that there are a couple different things which could lead to her trying to force her own will.

    All that to say, I feel you. And I'm sorry. And I truly wish there was an easier answer...

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  20. Oh Cristy, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. If I have no relationship with my family, I wouldn't say anything. I have no idea how they might react when they find out, but figure out how to deal with them ahead of time. That's what I would do.

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  21. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I think your therapists are right, they are going to find out, eventually. I'm less certain that you need to be the ones to tell them -- but I also think you need to think about this ahead of time (difficult as that may be) & plan what you want to do/say if & when the time comes that they initiate contact. (((hugs)))

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