Steel

"The longer you have to wait for something, the more you will appreciate it when it finally arrives. The harder you have to fight for something, the more priceless it will become once you achieve it. And the more pain you have to endure on your journey, the sweeter the arrival at your destination. All good things are worth waiting for and worth fighting for."

~Susan Gale

I thought about updating at the bottom of the Microblog Monday post, but this seemed like a better way to do it. Before I go on, thank you for the amazing comments of support. Very much appreciated. Now bear with me as I start with some self analyzing.

I can't remember the first piece of bad news I got. There was the time I didn't make the lottery picks to be part of a community play, the time I was picked last to play kickball, the time I was the only girl not invited to a classmate's birthday party, the time I didn't make the volleyball team. Later it would be emotional rejections from crushes, doing poorly in courses, rejection during my first round of graduate school applications (I only applied to 2 programs, but still....) and then failure with presentations, fellowship applications and even potential jobs. And of course, infertility. 

Throughout all of this, I've become a master at steeling myself. Even after giving something my all, to become self critical and convincing myself that what I desire won't happen.

Today is the first time I've found myself steeling for bad news for someone else.

At about 2 pm today, I received a text from Grey. "Went well." Later I got another few texts. 

"I am exhausted."

"Toughest interview ever."

"Well, also the most fun."

At this point, I had a million questions. But I also knew I had to pick the Beats up from daycare and navigate getting them settled for the night. Grey did FaceTime during dinner to interact with them and it was then that we got a chance to chat more.

The long and the short of it is that he had a non-stop, on-your-toes day, interacting with members of the team he would be joining. They grilled him. They picked his brain. And he loved every second of it. He got to think, critic, share ideas and use his skills at a level he's been craving. As he learned more about the position, the more excited he became about the possibility. This opportunity is one he's been dreaming about that neither of us even knew existed.

The only problem is they are not going to be making final decisions until next week. Which means a whole week of waiting.

Hence the steeling. 

I've always been supportive of Grey with his endeavors. Always proud of his work and all he does. But for the first time, I am hopeful/worried with him. "He's done all he possibly can," and "keep having hope" is what I hear. But I also know how crushed he would be if the answer is no. 

And somehow my gut reaction to make it better is to focus on preparing for the worst instead of letting him relish this one win. Because no matter what, today was a win for our family. Today Grey got to walk in the world we've been hoping to find.