Friday, June 3, 2016

Bringing the struggle to light

It's been a couple of weeks, with me sinking into a dark place as bad news followed bad news. I've been confronting shame and guilt. Fear and uncertainty. Moments where I haven't felt safe talking about them as I didn't want to be a source of pity or judgment.

Slowly, I've been reasoning my way out of this viewpoint. Having inner dialogue about how writing about it all after it's been worked out will only leave me miserable and how the best way to counter shame is confront it head on. Funny how easy this advice is to give and yet to follow.

So here's the skinny: 2 weeks ago Grey and I have an excellent offer on our condo. The two hurdles in front of us was the appraisal and the resale certificate. The appraisal would have come back fine, given what the market has been doing, but the resale certificate stopped us dead in the water. It revealed a potential project the HOA board has been talking about for a number of years with one bid we used for developing a savings plan. And it was that information that caused our buyer to jump ship. It made the property toxic.

I've done a lot of crying and screaming. There have been moments where the anxiety got the better of me. The road ahead is very uncertain, but what has become clear is that those guiding us do so to profit themselves. It's hard not to be bitter about that.

But something else has come out of this. For years, Grey has blamed me for this condo. I pushed hard to purchase it early in our relationship, arguing that it would be a good starter home for us. I never expected the recession or to be locked in as long as we have been. And so he's been very angry with me. Losing this seller and my subsequent meltdown has sparked him to reanalyze all of that. To recognize that things have gone far beyond all that we could controlled and our choices didn't cause this. Hence we been slowly working together to come up with a solution.

Despite this, asking for help has been hard. There's a moment of opening yourself to judgment that is utterly terrifying. That something is wrong inherently with you and you somehow deserve this fate. I've found myself drawing away, becoming more withdrawn. Life seems to pass around me without me being a part of it. It's a weird existence.

All of it has me remembering infertility. Though the empty pit of sadness filling my stomach doesn't exist this time, the anxiety and quiet moments spent running scenarios through my head do. And I'm realizing that the only way to get out of this cycle is to start talking about it.

Mali wrote a post today echoing all of this and another post from Jess about wanting her story told really drove this home. That life isn't about the perfect or finished products that society values. Sure, they're nice and wonderful when they happen, but often it's the messy stuff that sculpts us and makes us into who we ultimately will be.

So as of today, I'm bringing our current struggle to light. Talking about my ongoing struggle to understand construction bids and terminology, figuring out financing for a HOA and trying to determine if we need to terminate contracts with those we've worked with. All this from 3000 miles away and while juggling the rest of life. Planning a coup d'etat has been an interesting experience.

Anyone who has undergone a full reclad project, please feel free to offer sage advice.


  1. Oh, no. I'm so sorry that this is happening. I don't fully understand it, but having a bid fall through and then having your property turn toxic to buyers is terrible. I'm so sorry it has ripple effects with you and Grey, but echo what you said -- how could you know that the recession would hit and the condo would be a part of you for so long? I hope that it gets resolved positively. And I agree, the messy stuff definitely shows you what you're made of, and shapes you. You will battle your way through this. I'm just sorry you have to.

  2. To clarify- your condo association is looking into a major project on the building that I'm assuming will require a special assessment? Is this a project that absolutely will get done soon or is the board still assessing time frames? Because if it is all about the special assessment, you could be upfront about the project to potential buyers and offer to pay some of the price of the special assessment.

  3. Sending you lots of good vibes as you work through this stressful time. Buying and selling is stressful even under ideal conditions so I really do hope things improve for you soon

  4. Oh hon, I have zero advice because this is all over my head. But I know that home buying and selling is stressful in the best of circumstances, and this doesn't sound like the best of circumstances at all.

  5. I'm so, so sorry! I can't imagine how frustrating and infuriating this must be for you!! Sending you lots of love and peaceful thoughts!

  6. I'm so sorry this has happened and caused the selling process to suddenly become enormously more stressful. No advice, just sending thoughts and hoping things get worked out.

  7. I wish I had advice to offer, but I'll send the only thing I have, which is love. We have been living in house hell for months, it seems, and the anxiety broke me today. I know that I acted like a crazy woman, and I couldn't do a thing to stop it. Too much has been out of my control. I'm glad that you are reaching out to get help, and taking things one step at a time ... though the path is uncertain, you're not alone.

  8. Boy, do I admire your getting in there and learning what is necessary to plan the coup.

    How is it going? Seems to me you're due for something to go smoothly.

  9. I am in almost the same situation as you. Bought in '08 for what i thought was a great deal, recession hit, FHA regulations changed, and now we're trying to sell but losing money because someone is going to have to buy an unwarrantable condo due to developer issues. It's awful. I too pushed for this condo and now feel like I'm pushing to buy a house and...yeah. I feel ya. It will end. You can always assign money in escrow to pay for the special assessment for the project.


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