The death before birth

"Understand me.
I'm not like an ordinary world.
I have my madness,
I live in another dimension
and I do not have time for things
that have no soul"
~ Charles Bukowski

Yesterday was an awful day. Following receiving a verbal offer last Friday, I was in limbo waiting for a formal written offer to be sent, detailing everything I needed to know about this new position. I also had potential other offers in the wings, with my contacts being non-commital but wanting information. By day 5 of this wait, I was a mess; fearing the worse and steeling myself to be back at square one the following day.

In addition, Maddy and Teddy had awful days at school. Though generally their time together is short, once a month their school has "mini-days" (which ends up being a shitshow for everyone involved) where they end up spending the entire day together, which usually results on them fighting with one another. By the time I grabbed them from aftercare, their teachers there were visibly done with them, leaving me both apologetic and feeling like a failure.

Last night, while staring at the formal offer that had been sent over, all I could do was cry. I cried for the months of frustration; I cried for the years of pain and hardship; I cried for the fear I feel moving forward. Though Grey tried to comfort me, I ultimately knew the evening was shot.

So instead of being productive and celebrating (the thing most sane people would do), I closed the formal offer on my computer and made a promise not to look at it that evening. Then I began a pattern of destruction.

I closed a bank account that no longer was serving us.

I sent the extension school I was supposed to teach for this summer a short letter of resignation (and then ignored the hurried reply from the program administrator).

I drafted a hot-letter to my mother, who is currently upset given the established boundaries in our relationship (and wants me to apologize for putting up such boundaries).

And I gave myself a 12-hour deadline for a decision. Knowing that if others were serious they would likely respond by the morning. Otherwise, it was time to finalize this process.

As odd as it may sound, the process of destroying brought about a much-needed release, allowing my head to clear by the early hours of the morning. Whereas I went to bed flooded and overwhelmed (and frankly didn't sleep much), I did find the early hours more manageable, allowing me to focus and prepare to begin again.

This morning, I signed the official offer, putting an end to a job-hunting process that began almost a year and a half ago. In addition, Grey showed me a letter from our apartment management company, effectively releasing us from our lease agreement due to the discovery of a water leak. The clock is officially ticking on two major fronts. Though I'm still overwhelmed, things no longer seem completely unmanageable. The death of the old clearing the way for the birth of the new.