Owning the narrative

Any hiatus on my end is rarely planned. The pattern usually starts with me going into something new, putting my all in, and suddenly finding myself too exhausted at the idea of facing another computer screen at the end of the day. But another aspect to these gaps in writing comes when I find myself in a place where it's beneficial to be listening. Where I'm absorbing so much information around me that often it's hard to make sense of where to begin. After 7-months, though, I'm long overdue for structuring my thoughts.

Please bear with me.
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Each and every organism that walks this earth has its own story to tell. This statement in and of itself isn't terribly profound, but where it becomes reflective is when a layer is added that often most of these stories are repressed. This repression is often not done to be actively malicious but is a consequence of someone else viewing the sharing of an individual story as being threatening to their own. Despite our individualities, our stories are intertwined. Sharing is often not easy.

Since starting my new position, I've been shocked at the number of people I've encountered who not only own their stories but unapologetically control the narrative. Both impressive to observe and a bit unnerving, the consistency of how they present themselves to the world, quickly rejecting any outside objection to their narrative, is something that completely alien to me. I'm used to my own viewpoints and narrative being readily contradicted, with others silencing the aspects they don't agree with under the claims that their narrative is being infringed upon. What my colleagues have shown me is that owning your narrative doesn't mean that other narratives cannot exist, but this silencing is something that is not tolerated.

I've been rolling this concept around in my mind over the past year as I've been navigating this new position and deep-diving into the technologies my employer is creating. From a business standpoint, it's been extremely eye-opening. From a personal standpoint, it's been a paradigm shift in thinking about my story from the past decade. The reality is, sharing my story makes people uncomfortable, with each chapter having an aspect that either leaves the listener silent or actively engaging in contradiction. For a long time, I assumed that the heart of the problem lay in the message. It hasn't been until recently that I've begun re-evaluating that as I'm now acknowledging that I've also been allowing others' discomfort or versions of these events to drive my narrative.

What brought a lot of this to a head was a mixture of swimming in this new environment and picking up books from three Minnesota authors that all address their stories unapologetically. As I devoured these memoirs, first from Nora McInerny, then Hope Jahren and finally Cheryl Strayed, I found myself both homesick for my childhood home and inspired to revisit all that has happened over the past decade. Because if I'm being honest, the trauma didn't begin and end with infertility; infertility was just a chapter in this book. The truth is things have been hard for a long time, with me dealing with a lot of self-hatred that stems from illness and things outside of my control. And while others around me were talking with pride about all they have accomplished and overcome, I found myself shying away in shame, assuming that all the hurt and pain was due to me being completely broken. All of it starting with others silencing my narrative when I was very young.

There are problems with allowing a select few to drive global narratives. The first being that quashing other's narratives limits the conversation, giving the false impression about views and experiences which often lead to polarized views. The second problem, though, is that silencing others has a ripple effect that can ultimately be very destructive. Not allowing people to own their narratives not only sends the message that that individual isn't valued, but it also plants the seed for unresolved anger and pain that blocks people from growing. It also has a tendency to produce people who revisit these same evils on others, usually with ever-increasing aggression.

The wheels have been in motion over the past few months to begin breaking down a lot of this, starting with owning the fact that I'm still not okay from all of this and that I need help. So as I was fighting to find resources and help for Maddy and Teddy, making sure the same evils weren't visited on them, Grey and I had the hard conversation about me starting to do the same work on myself.

What all of this led to is a long-overdue diagnosis of ADHD; something that shocks many outside my inner circle as 1) I don't have the usual symptoms and 2) I hold a Ph.D. (don't ask me why this comes up as a justification for said shock). The other angle has been me owning the abuse I have survived, both as I child and as an adult. The truth is I have allowed others in my professional life to mistreat me solely for their own advancement and those toxic environments and relationships have left me questioning my own self worth and abilities. It's only been on the heels of news showing the continued toxic patterns from these situations that I've been able to begin reframing, but the reality is my narrative is something I've allowed them to have too much control over.

With all of this, I've begun working to own my narrative in this new manner. Acknowledging that others will have conflicting views about certain events or insights, but also that I no longer need to apologize for the discomfort my story causes others as that's a reflection on them. To date, it's been a slow and sometimes painful process, with me being extremely grateful to have the support I have from Grey and others who have been cheering me on along the way. What keeps me going is despite the stumbles and the pain is the shift I've been experiencing in how I view myself and the lightness of no longer carrying the emotional loads of others.

All that said, I still have a long road ahead in this new chapter. There are still days I worry too much about what others think or feel when frankly the problem shouldn't even be mine. So bear with me as I continue working through all of this in the space. Owning my narrative really and truly for the first time.