Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Getting back on the roller coaster

The main focus for the past couple of weeks have been healing and getting back into work. Work has been wonderful for the healing process, as I've been able to focus on my students and my lesson plans. Still, in the back of my mind, I've been thinking about the pending FET. Thinking about when this will happen, what it will take to prepare and trying not to worry about the outcome. Because of work I haven't had a lot of time to think about this.  Until today.

This morning, I received a phone call from the nurse that handles the IVF schedule for my clinic. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, I been very fortunate to find this clinic because of how outstanding the doctors, nurses and staff are. So, without surprise, the conversation with E went quickly, was to the point and very informative. Basically it comes down to this: I'm on the calendar for a FET in the middle of March. Seems so very far away, but in reality it isn't and there's a lot to do.

1) I need to go in for a blood draw on Friday to check my progesterone levels.  They want to see where I'm at in my cycle.
2) If I'm in the luteal phase, then I start Lupron on Sunday. You read that right, THIS SUNDAY!
3) Grey and I are being sent consent forms.  We need to sign both of these and have them notarized in order to proceed with the cycle.
4) At the end of Feb, I go in for another mock transfer as well as a SIS (saline infused sonogram). Basically, because of the D&C, they want to check that my uterus is healing properly and then they need to repeat the measurements for the transfer.  Considering all the posts I've read about transfers-gone-wrong, I'm more than happy to chug a couple gallons of water in order to go through the procedure again.
5) If everything checks out, my first ultrasound will be at the end of February.

The nice thing about all of this is that I won't have as many appointments nor are they worried about pushing my ovaries. Plus the drug regiment is lighter, resembling what I was on after retrieval through to the D&C. Simpler and calmer.

Yet, after getting off the phone with E, I immediately felt the familiar wave of anxiety begin to rise. And immediately all I could feel was a sense of dread knowing that I would once again be allowing my life to be dictated by injections and pills. The madness of it all.

I've spent most of the day in a cloud because of this. Yes, I want to be a mother more than anything, but I also don't want to go through this limbo again; it's hard and exhausting. So as I made my way through the day, I slowly came to the realization that if I was going to survive around round of this roller coaster ride, I needed a few things to change.

1) I will schedule some time for myself to meditate and relax each week. Getting back into meditation on a daily basis will be essential for staying sane on a daily basis, but I also think I've earned that weekly bubble bath.

2) I will start jogging again. I was actually pretty good at this last semester, but fell out of practice because I was so bloated from the stims. Not an issue this time, so no more excuses.

3) I will make a point to do non-fertility related activities.  This one I've already started doing with the help of colleagues.  I actually had a chance to hang out at the faculty club with other co-workers last week. I was a lot of fun and very needed. Clearly that needs to happen more often.

4) Dinner parties need to start happening again. I figure bribing friends with the promise of good food and wine is a good place to start.

5) I will make peace with this situation.  This one is by far the hardest because this is kinda it.  If this cycle fails, then things need to change.  As I've said in previous posts, I don't have it in me to keep doing treatment for many years. I'm too impatient.  So, while all of this is happening, I will take some of Grey's coworkers up on their offer of coffee to begin exploring adoption. This doesn't mean that I will forever close the door on treatment (hell, something may come up that suggests success from another round), and I reserve the right to back out of this previous statement that this is the end. But I'm also not strong enough to spend another Christmas doing the same thing over and over again.

So ladies, as of next Sunday, I'm officially back on the coaster, riding through those crazy loops and hoping that at the end there will be good news and joy. G_d help us all.


  1. Good luck as you prepare to get started again. And let me be an encourager for the meditation and weight loss. The personal training ive been soon has helped so much. It feels so good to have goals and accomplishments and things that I can do by sheer will power.

  2. I completely understand how you feel right now. I am feeling similar in that I am worried about pushing myself too much or being hurt again. I have a whole post written on the subject of this imposed break I am on and how I have to be okay with taking things at a more natural pace.
    I am glad you are taking care of yourself and finding ways to keep peace this time around. That is my goal too.
    I will be just behind you if all works out for me.

  3. I think it is so wonderful the mindset you are coming back with. Its a constant battle to try to remain somewhat positive through this and especially after a loss. I will keeping thinking of you and hoping the best.

  4. This is such a big step Cristy, but I'm proud of you! It will be overwhelming some days, but you've got a plan and you're going for it. #5 on your list is so huge. I would never have picked to be in this situation but (some days) I can look at it like a card game... I didn't chose the cards I was dealt. I can be down about it all the time or I can try to get in the game and play with the cards I do have. There are certainly still times (alot) that I'm down about it, but trying to find a balance certainly helps!

    Wishing you all the best - looking forward to this with you!

  5. I completely understand how you feel. For me, focusing on the tiniest short term goals helps with the anxiety and overwhelm. I think it's great you have a plan to keep your life as balanced as possible through it all. Here for you though it all! *hugs*

  6. Sunday - wow! I love your list - I love that you are proactive in taking care of yourself. I hope that having a plan in place will help a little at least as you get through the next month and a half, if not beyond. I will be following along with you from here every step of the way! <3

  7. Sounds like you are progressing quite well. I wish you all the best. Dinner parties are a good idea. Just make sure that you take it easy on the cooking and grunt work. Best of luck and I hope this one goes well with the SIS.

  8. Wow, this Sunday? That's amazing! I'm sure it must feel very scary. I hope you are in your luteal phase so you can start, though. Is an SIS the same as an SHG? I'm having one or the other tomorrow. I totally relate to not knowing how much longer you can pursue treatments. It's so draining, so painful.

  9. It's a big step, that's for sure. I'm calling my clinic today. *GULP* Best of luck :)


Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved