That's been the theme of the past couple of weeks.
Following the confirmation that I had miscarried on April Fool's Day, it's become of month of cruel jokes. Starting with the WTF appointment where there is no explanation for why I miscarried other than the idea that the pregnancy wasn't a healthy one. Okay, I can handle that. But to follow up all of this with NOTHING being changed for the next FET, minus close monitoring and Crinone 2x day, and I felt slapped.
Then last week, Grey's old roommate (the one who's wedding resulted in half the guests with food poisoning, which resulted in Grey's sperm count dropping) called to happily share the news that they are expecting, due in September.
Punch number 1.
Finally there was the news from this morning. BIL called Grey yesterday to tell him that they are expecting their third child. Grey didn't have the heart to tell me, thinking that there would be a way to tell me the news in a couple of weeks. Instead, last night it triggered a blow-out resulting in me sleeping on the couch. He leveled with me this morning, delivering the blow as best he could.
TKO. Frankly, it's almost comical.
I need to go on record that I am in no way wishing any ill-will on these people. They are family, we love them dearly and we look forward to meeting their babies very soon.
Still, this news hurts. It hurts because we've struggled so hard to get to this point of knowing that it's possible to even get pregnant only to lose both pregnancies while most people do this without a second thought. It's one cruel joke after the next and I'm beyond tired of it. I'm tired of longing for something that feels less obtainable with every passing day. I'm tired of grieving day after day. I'm tired of all the tears, and having to make excuses when someone shares their good news. Just tired.
Dee and I had a session last night. With one look at me, she immediately booked weekly appointments. "You're not in a good place" she said, and my brief update confirmed that. So last night she had me put the image of my broken body into an opaque tupperware container to begin dealing with next week. But with the news, that image has been screaming from its plastic cage and I've been having a hard time ignoring it.
Honestly, I'm ready to throw in the towel. After 2.5 yrs on this road, all I have to show for all of this is an extra 20 lbs and a very broken heart. I no longer have faith that I'll be able to hold my biological children and the images of those potential faces have been washed from my mind's eye. And it makes me so sad because all I ever wanted out of this whole process was to one day hold them.
Today is going to be a hard day. Thank the universe I had the foresight to keep Polaris in my purse.
DYDT: Shower or Bath?
1 hour ago