Therapy

About a year into the TTC journey, it became clear that I needed to find a therapist. The continual monthly reminders that things were not working was a source of stress that was greatly affecting daily life. Add in the fact that it seemed everyone around me (be it in real life or on internet support groups) was able to achieve pregnancy and I was one big ball of anxiety.

I'm no stranger to therapy. From the time I was a teenager, I would periodically see a therapist to manage my depression as well as for referrals for medication (my family's preferred form of dealing with these issues).  So when I started as a process of seeking help, I figured it was just a matter of finding someone who I could connect with. I mean, how hard could it be?

Finding a needle in a haystack would have been easier.

The issue with infertility is that it is a disease that few people understand. Because of this, finding a counselor becomes incredibly difficult as most don't know how to address the grief and anxiety that comes from treatments, waiting and recovering from loss. I had one well-meaning counselor who was dynamite at dealing with depression and anxiety as well as marital stress. But when Grey and I started talking with her about infertility, she could not connect. I remember one session where I had to spell out that I was grieving from the months of failed natural cycles and though she did have the "ah ha" moment, I knew that I could't invest my energy training her on how to help me.

So, I began looking for support. First joined a support group, which was helpful for a time, but quickly fell apart when our leader was no longer there to guide us (mind you, I have no problem with support groups, but one person CAN alter a group dynamic). Following my mother trying to push adoption of my second cousin, I decided it was time to get serious and solicited names of counselors from my clinic as well as from trusted sources.

What I ended up with was a list of 10 counselors in the Seattle area, all of them reputable but with limits as far was when they had appointments (all of them were booked solid), what insurance they took and when they could meet.

Long story short, it took about 6 months of talking, hunting and strong-arming my insurance to finally find Dee. And that process would have been a LOT longer if all those counselors hadn't helped me with suggestions of who else to talk with if things didn't line up.

The anatomy of an infertility counselor is different than most. First of all, everyone single one of them have been touched by infertility. One counselor I talked with made of point of saying she did not recommend counselors who hadn't lived with infertility as there was no way they could understand this disease otherwise (and she had plenty of examples from those failed attempts). Another thing that is important is that they have all resolved, be it through adoption, IVF, surrogacy, donor gamete or even choosing to live child-free. A final component is that they have additional training to deal specifically with infertility, be it Mind/Body (one I met actually trained with Ali Domer) or some sort of cognitive therapy.

Enter Dee. I met her in November 2011 just as I was start Lupron and finishing BCPs for IVF#1. During our couple of phone conversations it became very clear to both of us that I needed to be seen ASAP as I was processing why too much shit and not very well. Dee specializes in EMDR, a form of therapy that is specialized with trauma-related disorders. Dee's thought (and I agree with her) is that infertility is a form of trauma. Add in the fact that I'm a survivor of an emotionally abusive parent and it became clear I'm a textbook patient.

Dee helped me during IVF #1 with processing my fear. A lot of our sessions where spent with her letting me talk, allowing her to gain the necessary information to start tailoring therapy. Following my first miscarriage, I took a break from therapy, thinking that I needed to focus on healing and preparing for FET #1. With news of my second miscarriage, I knew I wasn't doing well and immediately contacted Dee for an appointment.

This past Wednesday, Grey and I met with Dee to talk about how we were processing this recent loss. It was a hard appointment, where it became clear that we both needed to talk. But what we came away with was a plan for moving forward. Starting in a couple of weeks, I will begin EMDR. Dee has all the information she needs and wants to begin working through all the trauma I've experienced, both recently as well as past. In addition, she wants to have sessions where Grey and I met with her together. Dee was quick to point out how common it is for infertility to drive couples apart, leading to separations and even affairs. Though Grey and I are not at that point, she feels that the check-ins will help prevent further destruction caused by this horrible disease if not help strength our relationship. In fact, Dee firmly believes that most couples will emerge from this experience with stronger marriages/partnerships that fair better than the average couple.

There's a lot of work to be done. I recognize now that infertility isn't the sole cause of a lot of my unhappiness and that resolving is no longer just about bringing home a baby. But as Grey and I have talked more, we've both realized that the one gift infertility has given us is the push to finally address all the dysfunction and rot that exists in our lives. Though initially it was easier to pretend it didn't exist, we now are so emotionally fragile that we have to address it. Who knew that some aspects of infertility could actually be a blessing.