Fears

Yesterday was suppose to be our 6 week ultrasound appointment. When it was originally made, I happily dreamed of walking into the room with Grey and holding his hand as they located the sac for our growing baby. It was suppose to be a happy day.

Instead, we had our WTF appointment with Dr. Optimism. Not an appointment anyone dreams of being part of, be they the patient or the medical provider.

It was hard seeing Dr. Optimism. She could not hide the sadness from her eyes as she started to talk about what may have happened. I know she cares and that having to be in that room with us was hard. Add in the fact that I'm not my most stable and most of the appointment was spent consoling me.

Dr. Optimism thinks this is another case of "bad luck." That it's not a genetic issue or something with me. The problem is that the literature agrees with her. That there is probably no rhythm or reason for why we aren't able to conceive.

I don't do well with "bad luck." After years of dealing with failed experiments, I've learned to stop and revisit them following a period of rest. Usually it's a matter of starting over with new reagents, changing back to an original vendor and even recognizing that it's operator error. Hence, bad luck is a one time thing for me. And in my mind, we have a pattern. Two failed pregnancies that have become problematic at the 5 week mark means something is off.

I told Dr. Optimism that I feared living through another miscarriage. That I worried about going crazy.

What I didn't tell her is that I have an additional fear. That, even with progressing forward, that I would never bring home a baby. That we would burn through all our embryos only to be told that it was just a matter of trying again. That after 2 years on this journey, we would come up empty handed.

And so, sitting on the on the exam table, I cried. Big fat tears and all. I cried for my lost children, I cried for the failure of two years, I cried for fear of an uncertain future, and I cried because of the reality that I might never be pregnant.  And because of all of this, I cried because I was crying.

It was a hard scene.

So, here's where we stand: I'm taking the next two weeks off to not think about infertility and pregnancy. I'll follow all of you, but I'm not making any decisions. In 2 weeks time, Dr. Optimism will contact Grey and me and we will have another phone conference. At this point, her advice is to repeat the Saline Sonogram to exam my uterine cavity and to proceed with another FET. If we want, though, she will also order karyotyping for both Grey and me as well as a APA test.

Honestly, I don't know what we're going to do. But I really can't think about it.

In the meantime, I plan on being hard on my body. After 2 years on this journey, my weight is 20 lbs higher than it originally was. I was never model thin, but being at my previous weight allowed me to move and be a part of the world. My current weight has hurt this. In addition, for the first time ever, my blood pressure is high. All TTC logic about being restful and loving to your body is going out the window.