Monday, May 28, 2012

Anatomy of a hater

Haters. Our society is filled with them. No matter where you go, you're bound to encounter a hater. They wear their hate like a badge of honor, prepared to argue with anyone who disagrees and quick to pass criticism. Haters are quick to anger, scoffing at ideas they announce are naive. But one thing is clear with all haters: they all are deeply afraid of what they hate. 

Since being diagnosed with infertility, Grey and I have encountered our fair share of ART haters. Both of us have been lectured about how immoral and selfish our actions are, how we are overpopulating the world, how our infertility is G_d's way of telling us we are unfit to parent, etc. Over time, we've both become hardened to this hate. The hate from those who are clearly ignorant about infertility and the pain of miscarriage. But we've also learned that there is more behind this hatred than presented; the need of the individual passing judgement to feel superior, the inability of the hater to empathize with our pain, the lack of love this person may be experiencing in life. 

Being at the crossroads have introduced us to a new breed of haters, the ones few expect to encounter: the adoption haters. These haters are ones that I've been well aware of for some time. Being from the midwest, I'm aware of the white-trash value that "no loving parent would ever give away their child," but for Grey this hatred is new. His family's embrace of adoption and the assumption that love can conquer all has shielded him from these people. So initially he poo-pooed me, assuming my observations were simply a by-product of an abusive past. And then he began finding websites. He began reading the lies these cowards spread; the fear that they try to instill in others. And like most, Grey responded to the haters in a way most of us do. He responded with anger and rage, condemning them for their bitterness. If he would have been allowed to persist, the haters would have won.

So how does one counter hate like this? Honestly, it's something I've been struggling with since I first began becoming the focus hate and being the subject of attack. With the ART haters, I found it easier to confront them when necessary, but mainly I've been quiet. Partly because I've been tired from battling everything else in life in the pursuit of children. Partly because it's been easier to be quiet, since ART haters are some of the most misinformed individuals out there. But with the adoption haters, it's become evident that I can no longer be silent. Because it's no longer just about me; these people will attack my children. So, even though I'm not holding them in my arms, it's now my job to counter this hate, to defend my family. 

In order to understand how to counter hate, one needs to understand the anatomy of a hater. And in order to illustrate this best, I need to share the topic of my recent therapy sessions with Dee. I need to share the truth about something that has been haunting me; something very dark. 

It's no secret that this recent miscarriage broke me, causing more damage than anyone could have predicted. The salt in the wound was the pregnancy announcements following the miscarriage. I found myself able to be at peace with the announcement from Grey's close friend. He had no idea our struggles nor of the previous loss. The announcement from BIL has been harder. BIL knew about our struggles. BIL knew about our pain. Yet when news came in April that we had lost our children, he didn't call for two weeks. And when he did, it was to share the news that they were expecting again. Meaning they decided to trying during the same time we were actively in treatment.  And though I believe that no one should put family planning on hold because of others, this was a huge blow. Because now I will have a niece/nephew who will be a reminder of what could have been.

So how does this example relate to someone filled with hate? Well, hate is breed from pain and fear. Most anti-adoption advocates have had something happen related to adoption to be so bitter with the process. Some may have been forced by family and religious officials to give up their children and during the process, they may not have been able to properly say good-bye nor process the emotions surrounding this decision. Others may see themselves as victims for losing custody of their children, refusing to analyze why the state decided to terminate their parental rights and pull the children. And then there's the adopted children who may not have been able to attach with their adoptive parents, resulting in them romanticizing their birthparents. You get the picture. The point is, there is pain and fear from loss. 

The truth is, like these haters, I now have the elements to hate my BIL and his wife. If I chose, I could easily develop arguments painting them as selfish and conniving beings. But what stops me is this hate will isn't productive and is actually very destructive. What is to be gained from villainizing this couple or those that can conceive easily? This hatred will not bring my children back. In fact, going this route turns me into a person my children would be ashamed of. 

And that's where I struggle to be different from someone who hates. A hater has been wounded, but they never find peace. They refuse to forgive, assuming that forgiveness absolves the offending party of the pain they afflicted. And, as time goes on, they expand their hate. They blame everyone who questions them for their fear and pain. Because it's easier. It's so much easier than confronting yourself and making the decision to move beyond the pain. It's easier to hide than to chose to live.

What this journey towards our children has taught me is that easier is not always better. Thank the universe for Dee. We've already spent three sessions with my anger over this news mixed in with my grief of losing both these pregnancies. And we likely will spend many more sessions. Honestly, healing will take time and the pain will probably never go away completely. But I work daily towards peace and forgiveness. 

So, knowing this, how do you counter hate? Some argue that love is the best solution. This can work, but wrapping people who are hardened with hate in love usually isn't enough. What I've been trying is love and information. To apologize to those who are so angry for being wronged and then to counter with examples of why they are incorrect. Honestly, the best responses I've gotten has been silence and/or the hater turning tail. Not once have I witnessed them resolving their pain or being willing to admit that maybe they are wrong. Still, I have to try. It's all I can do to resist the urge of slapping some sense into them.

In the end, I'm still learning. I'm learning to deal with haters, learning how to counter their poison. I'm also learning to forgive those who cause me great pain. But, for me, understanding the anatomy of a hater has made it easier to confront haters as well as to find peace. It reveals that these monsters are human. Scared, hurt humans who have allowed their hearts to be poisoned. It doesn't mean they are any less dangerous, but it does mean that if one choses they can be cured.  

12 comments:

  1. Cristy I can say in my own experience that I have changed since struggling with IF. After going through this, I now sit back and try to understand people more and their choices instead of instantly being judgmental. It really makes me angry and hurts so deeply that some individuals have such mean spirited remarks and beliefs when it comes to the different ways one chooses to create a family. I know this probably isn't the right approach but I truly distance myself from those people. I don't have time in my life to all the hatred and ignorance. With that being said, some of us don't have that choice because of it being family members etc.

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    1. For the most part, I ignore and distance myself from the ART haters too. When I can't (say because I'm in a situation where it's hard to not respond), I've found the RESOLVE site helpful. http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/talking-about-infertility/

      But understand where the hate comes from helps me move past these encounters. Kinda like walking a mile in someone's shoes.

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  2. Exactly. I have been dealing with haters mostly by just not getting involved. If it's something that I just can't ignore, then I deal with it calmly and rationally, at least on my end. I also have been working on this with my psyc. Learning how to deal with all sorts of situations calmly and rationally and it has helped my sanity so much. Great post.

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  3. I have yet to encounter this (although I'm sure I will eventually). I'm sorry you and Grey have had to deal with other people's fear, ignorance, anger, and lack of empathy. It would be so easy to spew hate right back at them, but it sounds like you've found a better way. Thanks for sharing your take on this--unfortunately, I'll probably need this advice one day.

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  4. So true.... and so brave of you to take the path you're taking of coming to understand the hate, rather than let it eat you. You are an inspirational woman... Love to you always xoxo

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  5. Although I wouldn't have categorized myself as a hater, I will admit that I was pretty ignorant before IF. I used to be one of those "but you can always adopt instead" people. As hard as IF has been, I do think it's helped me to become a better person.

    I think you're taking the best approach to dealing with the haters.

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    1. For me, there's a big difference between those who are ignorant regarding IF and those who actively attack. I've always encountered those in the former category. They don't know what it's like to live with this disease and, hence, I really can't blame them for voicing the "just relax" or "just adopt." It annoys me, but usually the person offering the advice is clueless to how hurtful saying these things are. Hence, I usually respond with information. Since starting IVF, though, I've actually become encounter people who will get centimeters from my face and accuse me of being a baby-killer and will tell me I'm going to hell. These people are venomous and it's very easy to pick up on their anger. Very different beast.

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  6. Yes I too had to deal with the hate of people I loved when they found out I was using ART to try to conceive a baby. Eventually they got over their anger when I lost both of those pregnancies. Sad that it took a loss for them to realize they shouldn't have been hating our measures to expand the family.

    I have hate within me at times too. Sometimes its so hard to stay in the wise mind when I'm feeling pain. Other times not so much and I can feel joy for others achieving in life that which still alludes me.

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  7. Wow! You have had some hard experiences with haters. I was so afraid about opening up about of IF because of stories like this, however I eventually just had to. Thankfully I have not encountered any haters yet. However, when I encounter haters in general in life I tend to be passive and keep quiet unless a response is demanded by the holy spirit. I can't believe some of the stuff people have said to you face! I know you must be a strong person to have endured that. Bravo for taking the hard road and confronting your issues! I can't wait to hear about the day you become a mom!

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  8. Oh boy. I have come across these people for sure. The people that think, if you were meant to have a baby, you would have one. They don't understand anything. I usually will say something, but only if I feel comfortable taking the time to educate that person. I think there is enough judgement in the world...and I don't always know where their's comes from, so I try not to get angry at the ignorance.

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  9. Its 'funny' that people feel they can 'offer' their opinion wherever/whenever they feel like it. I know I struggled immensely with the whole notion of "if I can't get pregnant on my own, then maybe it is a sign I shouldn't be a mother". I now know how silly that is - however, critiquing/giving unsolicited (hateful) advise really strikes home as you have probably thought/questioned those same things. We need more people to be supportive and understanding. I'm glad you are able to think about where it is all coming from and piece together the puzzle from there.

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  10. I love this post so much that I've read through it 3 times. You put everything so perfectly that I don't really feel that I have much to add. But I have been trying to do something similar with my miscarriage. People don't talk about it so it seems shameful or something to be afraid of but by talking about it and giving information maybe we can change it.

    As for the haters, don't let them get you down. You are handling everything perfectly. You are the bigger and stronger person and I am so proud of you. Good things will come to you Cristy.

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