Wednesday, May 2, 2012


I remember the first time I really injured myself. I was 10 yrs old and riding my bike down a steep hill. Somehow, I managed to gain too much speed and was not skilled at being able to handle the incline. I ended up crashing, sliding along the asphalt. The pain was blinding. I managed to make it to my location, and as I began to clean myself up realized how much pain I was actually in. Panicked, I called my dad who came to calm me down and help clean my wounds.

In the years since, I've managed to injure myself in more interesting and memorable ways. There was the climbing accident that almost took my life, the large metal door that slammed down on my arm, the car accident that even the paramedics marveled about me walking away from and, finally, the skiing accident that left me with a black eye on Valentine's Day. You get the idea. One thing I've learned over time with injury is that there's a pattern: the initial shock from being wounded, followed by the pain setting in and me realizing how severe the situation is. Then comes the healing; the aches and pains of my body trying to regain normalcy. Sometime with healing it's just a matter of ice, a bath and some TLC. Other times more aggressive measures need to be taken.

Following the happy news last week that left me convinced the universe was out to get me, I realized that I needed aggressive measures to begin recovery from this recent miscarriage. What I had done up to this point as simply to bandage the wound and hope that healing wound come quickly. What I failed to do was remove the cause of this injury, causing the wound to deepen and begin to fester. So, with Grey's initiation, I agreed to meet up with one of his coworker Tina, her husband and 11 month old daughter E for brunch.

Grey has known Tina for many years and has always been on friendly terms with her. A few months ago, though, he learned that she too was infertile and had recently resolved. They began talking, Tina sharing her story and Grey filling her in on our treatments. The more I learned about E, the more I hoped that we could have a similar outcome of having such a happy ending. Then January happened. And then March. With this past news, Tina offered to meet up for coffee to talk. And until Sunday, I was reluctant.

You see, E is adopted. And though I've been open to adoption, it wasn't until Sunday that I was ready to hear her story.

Meeting E gave me hope. To see this little girl who came from a less-than-ideal situation be so happy, energetic and vibrant. And to see her parents completely in love and filled with joy. Tina looked at me at one point and with tears in her eyes said something that left me choking back tears. "There was a period where I had this hole in me. This child-shaped blackhole. Now I feel filled."

Following brunch, Grey and I began to talk about how we would do this. Meeting E made me realize that I want to go the open adoption route. I want to meet the birth mother of my child, forming some sort of relationship so that one day I can tell him/her about how they came into the world. But most importantly, I felt like we may have found our calling, our path.

Today I had my meeting with Dee. Like all of you, she sympathized about the news from last week, telling me "it must feel like the universe has shit on you." How true. Yet telling her about E and my feelings had her smiling softly. I think she sees how this fits too.

Our session was spend attacking the image of my broken body, helping me remove the IF/loss shaped knife from my heart and cleaning the wound. She helped stitch my broken heart back together, wrapping it lovingly with fresh bandages and helping me find my new mantra.

It will be okay. Some way, some how.

Tonight I feel the dull ache from this most recent wound, but for the first time in a long time I no longer feel despair. Mind you, I'm not brimming with optimism and hope that this next FET will work and we'll bring home a biological child. But I do have hope that there will be a child. My faith is restored in wrapping my arms around them and I find myself day-dreaming of that moment, that day.

CD4. Five more days till the SIS. Tami-scrambled at Submerged sent me the BEST socks to wear that that appointment. May they work their magic.
Thank you Tami!!!


  1. Wow Cristy, that was a really deep post, but you were so well able to capture all of your complicated thoughts. I think it was really brave to take the step and meet with your husband's coworker and I can totally see how it could help make adoption seem real. I wish the very best for you, whichever way things go!

  2. I'm so glad today is a little bit brighter. I hope things keep getting better. You're right. You will be okay, some way, some how. I hope that day comes soon.

    1. I awarded you the One Lovely Blog award, because you have a lovely blog. Thank you for sharing your journey and for all the support you give other bloggers. You are appreciated.

  3. Oh hon. I am so glad you are finding your way to healing. I really hope this FET works for you, but if it doesn't...I know you will find a way to become a mom. You will be great parents to that future child. I have such hope for you.

  4. I'm glad you are listening to yourself during all of this. Pushing yourself into what you *think* you should be doing versus what *feels* right can result in very different outcomes. It's nice to hear you sound a little brighter today.

    I'm glad you like the socks. I know you weren't technically my sock buddy, but I needed to send you something. And if it made you smile- well all the better.

  5. 1. Love the socks. 2. Totally with you on the adoption piece, though A isn't quite where Grey is on it yet. 3. I'm with Dee. Some how, some way, IT WILL BE OKAY!

  6. What a beautifully inspirational story to hear... you were brave to meet but sounds so rewarding and hopeful. Thinking of you as you heal and move onto the next step in your journey xoxo

  7. It will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.

    Lots to look forward to Christy, despite life's recent massive diarrhea explosion. You are do strong for looking forward and moving ahead with all of your alternatives. Very brave and honestly, inspirational.

    Good luck with the upcoming SIS. :)

  8. How awesome that you found E and her parents. Stories like this remind me that being open about IF can bring people closer together, not just the negative.

    And I am totally coveting those socks.

  9. Cristy, this post has me in tears. I am so glad you found inspiration and are able to look forward with a hint of optimism. It seems this family came into your lives at just the right time. I'm sending you lots of good thoughts for your FET and holy smokes if those socks are not the best ever!

  10. I really love reading your post's Cristy. You always seems to find the postive and inspire me to work on that in my life more often.
    Btw I absolutely love the socks! I hope and pray that this is your FET and you truly get what you deserve to have, happiness.

  11. I love those socks! They rock!

    Such a beautifully written post. Tears and smiles from this. There is a tinge of sadness for what was not to come, but there is so much more hope and brightness for what may still come.

  12. OMG best. Socks. EVER!

    I'm glad you're seeing a ray of light in all of this.
    I know that knowing we can resolve whether I give birth or not has been a huge comfort to us.
    Much love!

  13. I completely understand this pattern and I fully believe each phase has to be experienced before healing can begin. Sending you lots of love and and strength as you move forward and find your happy ending. :)

  14. Those socks are awesome! Beautiful post hon. I am so happy you are starting to heal. So nice to find someone to talk to.

  15. Oh, Cristy. Your ability to express your feelings so well really touches me. I might have missed it--hope your SIS went ok. I'm so glad you had a good appt with Dee, and really glad you are feeling more hopeful after your lunch with Tina.


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