Time. It's always amazing to me how fast it can pass and yet how slowly too. How so much can change and yet not. Time can wear on a person, turning wounds into scars. The realization that days can easily turn into months; months into years. Time can be both a blessing and a curse.
This morning I woke up with the realization that Grey and I have been pursuing fertility treatments for almost a year. One whole solid year, and yet we are still childless. I remember how confident Grey was that all of this would work right away and how quickly all of that was dashed. I remember thinking it was simply a matter of relaxing and letting modern medicine work its magic. I remember my jeans fitting.
I'm not doing well. Today is day 12 of BCPs, which I'm now calling "Bitch Creating Pills," and the familiar symptoms of depression caused by the medication have hit me full force. I'm angry with our situation and hurting from all the loss and failure. I know that the BCPs are playing a big role in all of this, turning me into a raging bitch, but I also know that it's not the sole cause.
Earlier this week, Grey and I had a heated conversation where I revealed to him that the only reason I was doing this FET was for him. When he asked me point blank if I would do this cycle if his opinion didn't matter, I told him I wouldn't. I wouldn't because I really do believe that I will miscarry once again. That the only reason I was willing to subject myself to all of this was so he could final have some closure.
You see, I really do believe that this is not our route. I think I've been feeling this way for awhile, but the pregnancy announcements last month following this most recent miscarriage has really driven this point home. Because it shouldn't be this hard. Building a family shouldn't be such a source of pain. Add in the fact that I've lost family this past year, not gained, and it's become a very bitter pill to swallow.
I'm tried of mourning, tried of hurting. Tired of holding onto hope for something that no longer seems obtainable. Tired of feeling cursed.
And yet, I also know that I need to try. I need to try one more time, despite the reality that nothing may happen. I need to try for the 4 frozen embryos Grey and I have, to give them a chance at life. Because this last few steps on this path are no longer about me or him. They are about these embryos: the ones that remain in cryopreservation as well as the ones that we lost.
I need to be the mother these potential children deserve. I need to be the mother that I never had.
10 more days of the Bitch Creating Pills. Seeing Dee today as well as a new acupuncturist in hopes of finding some emotional relief and balance.
Cristy, my heart is reaching out to you. There are so many things that come up in this post, but mostly I just want you to know that we're here for you. All of this is hard, and the drugs make it worse, they really do.
ReplyDeleteI have a lot of hope for you. Your miscarriage was early, and may not have been because there is something wrong with your body. You've had so much loss, though, it's hard to not prepare yourself for the worst. I know.
You are strong. You can do this. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and we'll cross each bridge as it comes.
I can absolutely understand your frustration. I know that I had a few heated conversations with Al during all of the treatment. All I can say is, I am hoping and praying that you and Grey will have the chace to be wonderful, loving parents to one/two of your frozen embies.
ReplyDeleteI love your socks! Ive been making fertility bracelets, and would be interested in trading? What do you think?
ReplyDeleteI was linked to your blog via another poster, Daryl. Id love to be able to follow your journey.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Knoll Maria and I am a graduate student at Bar-Ilan University Information Science Department in Israel. For my final project, I am examining anonymity and self-disclosure in infertility blogs. The target population of the study are women bloggers who were or are going through infertility treatments and also blog about their experience. I am kindly inviting you to participate in this research study by completing the attached survey.
The following questionnaire will require approximately 5 minutes to complete. Your response is very important to me. Your informed consent to participate in this survey is assumed by completing the survey and by submitting it. Participation is strictly voluntary and you may refuse to participate at any time. A copy of the results will be sent to you, if you choose so.
Thank you for taking the time to assist me in my educational endeavors. If you require additional information or have questions, please contact by email.
Click here to fill out the survey: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dHY0SC1wT0lHeEFqOGdZN3pXT3p3aHc6MQ
Hi,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Knoll Maria and I am a graduate student at Bar-Ilan University Information Science Department in Israel. For my final project, I am examining anonymity and self-disclosure in infertility blogs. The target population of the study are women bloggers who were or are going through infertility treatments and also blog about their experience. I am kindly inviting you to participate in this research study by completing the attached survey.
The following questionnaire will require approximately 5 minutes to complete. Your response is very important to me. Your informed consent to participate in this survey is assumed by completing the survey and by submitting it. Participation is strictly voluntary and you may refuse to participate at any time. A copy of the results will be sent to you, if you choose so.
Thank you for taking the time to assist me in my educational endeavors. If you require additional information or have questions, please contact by email.
Click here to fill out the survey: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dHY0SC1wT0lHeEFqOGdZN3pXT3p3aHc6MQ
Good luck with everything sweetie. I hope those remaining embryos surprise you and give you your baby(s), but whatever happens, I hope you find a path to motherhood that helps you to heal.
ReplyDeleteEven if this FET does not work out for you I think you have come to a point where you will be able to accept the outcome and move on. I believe deep down in my heart that you will be a mother and I really loved this statement:
ReplyDelete"You see, I really do believe that this is not our route. I think I've been feeling this way for awhile, but the pregnancy announcements last month following this most recent miscarriage has really driven this point home. Because it shouldn't be this hard. Building a family shouldn't be such a source of pain"
Because you have hit a point that I want to hit honestly. I wish I could accept my fate the way you have. You are going to be a great mother, no matter how the baby comes to you.
Cristy I really hope that this FET proves you to be wrong and that you do get a healthy baby out of it but I know what can and will go wrong at times all too well. BCP are hell!
ReplyDeleteI agree that building a family shouldn't be a source of pain.
Cristy - this post made me cry. You are so clear in your thinking that it really touched me. This whole process is so painful and so hard. No way around that. But I think you are right- you'll see it through and if the FET doesn't work, you'll have your answer. In some way, you'll be a mother. It just may not be the way you expected.
ReplyDeleteThe song sent me over the edge too.
Love you girl. You are such an incredible friend and support. xoxo
You are an amazing person. Even through all of your pain and grief, you put your embryos first. You are already a wonderful mother.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love and strength...
It must be so difficult to continue when your heart's not in it, but I appreciate your willingness to give it another shot. Who knows? Maybe this FET will surprise you. But even if it goes the way you think it will, I hope you'll be at peace with it and that you and Grey can find a clear path forward from there. Sending you hugs!
ReplyDeleteOh Cristy, I am so sorry. I had a shitty day too and am feeling the effects of sadness seep in... sadness over how long we've been at this, sadness that I can't be happy for others, sadness that I can't see the beauty in my current life without a baby... so so so crappy. I wish I had comforting words for you - all I know is that it will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.
ReplyDeleteAs badly as I want to know what my future holds, I would gladly give up that crystal-ball chance for you. Trying to make these life decisions without any real information is impossible. All you can do is exactly what you are doing, the best you can.
ReplyDeleteCristy, so sorry for the pain you are in. Sending you virtual hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh hon, hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI've been on the rollercoaster for two years, I know how you feel. And I think it's amazing that you are strong enough to know your own limits. Just chug through, a day at a time. You will be ok.
Sending you a huge hug!
It must be so difficult. Like you said, keep thinking of those little embryos. Hugz!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you friend. I know how hard this all is and feeling like you already know the outcome. It's so scary. But like you said, it's just more time. Sooner than later it will be over and you will know where your future will lead you. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to read about your losses. It's hard, and even harder to have the belief it will work again. I truly hope this cycle will prove you wrong.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm right with you, one year of tests and treatment, with nothing to show for it. It's painful.