Thursday, May 24, 2012


Where to even begin. How about the facts

Grey and I have started hunting for adoption agencies, looking into various meetings and filling out applications. To date, three different agencies, each with their own statistics and demographics. Each with their own set of questions.

Let's move on to feelings triggered by recent events: anger, fear, sadness, worry. Worry about getting all the information together, making it clear and non-crazy sounding. Anger about having to talk about my upbringing, having to relive some of the abuse. Sadness of knowing that the chapter on fertility treatments, the hope for pregnancy is coming to a close. And fear. Fear of living a life I never wanted to live.

Yesterday I woke up to find Grey in the middle of a panic attack. One of the agencies we were looking into is from his hometown. Initially, it seemed like a good match, as we would be able to pitch a connection. But then we began to dig more, with Grey uncovering red flags. And with those red flags came the fear that I would bring in outside elements that would tear us apart. What started as a panic about this agency lead to my sweet husband curled up into a ball, sobbing uncontrollably over this past miscarriage. Grieving openly for our lost children; grieving for the baby with mommy's eyes and daddy's nose. It was hard. Very hard. I wished for a way to take the pain away from him, to erase the memory of the past 2.5 yrs. Instead, I cried with him.

Today wasn't much better. Though Grey is healing, I spent the day getting hit with reminders on how I was failing at my career, all due to the fact that I have trouble concentrating on anything not fertility related. I feel old, worn out, lack luster. And my heart hurts from knowing that we are still no closer to bringing home baby.

The truth is, we need a vacation. Yet I worry about dropping money to get away because we will need it as we begin the adoption process. At the same time, I feel so alone. I miss being around friends and family, yet Grey's family is currently a source of pain and mine is completely out of the picture. Friends are distant too. After all, what fun is an infertile?

I'm in a funk. I feel we've painted ourselves into quite a corner. And I don't see a way out. Originally the plan was to move within a year and there was excitement to finally have change to look forward to. Now with this adoption, I fear that's on hold too. And because of that potential hold, I feel even more cursed.

I'm sorry to be a downer. I really wish I wasn't. But the path forward is no longer clear. Grey and I are meeting with Dee tomorrow to help figure out if there's a way to reset. And Grey has become more hopeful since finding this last agency. We even reserved our spot in the pre-adoption meeting today.

But there's a sinking feeling I can't shake. A feeling of being cursed with the role of the outsider looking in. That the wounds are too deep to ever heal from them, turning me into some deformed creature. Currently, I'm too flooded with emotion to think clearly about this. To know what I really want.

Tonight, I'm praying for a sign. A marker in the wilderness to direct me to a path. I'm tried of hacking my way through uncharted territory, walking along trails that few are even aware of. I want to find that lone shack in the wilderness, the one occupied by someone who will offer me a place to rest, allowing me to tend my wounds close to the fire. Instead, I feel like I'm left in the cold.


  1. Oh hun... I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling at the moment. Know that you're not alone here and that we're all sending you thoughts and love. The pain of uncertainty is unbearable sometimes and I hope with all my heart that your sign comes soon and your heart leads you in the direction of peace. A vacation sounds like a lovely idea.. even a w/end away might help to ease the pain. Love to you always xoxo

  2. I know this feeling. BG and I have been here, although not over IF. Not yet.

    You're right. You need to get away. During our most difficult time we were also poor...actually we were about twice the poverty threshold, but that really doesn't leave you with much after your monthly expenses. So to get away, we'd drive up north and stay at a public campground about a mile from the beach.

    It always helped. There is something so special about stepping away from work, computers, phones, and other people for a few days. It's not about doing anything in particular. We just walked on the beach, sat by the campfire, read, talked and slept.

    I hope you too can find a way to get away for a little while.

    And, try to forgive yourself for not making progress on your job. Yes, you'll have some catching up to do, but it's almost summer. You can do it. Beating yourself up about the past few months isn't fair to you.

    Be gentle my dear. I'm thinking of you.

  3. This made me tear up. It is so heartbreaking to see your partner hurting and not be able to do anything about it. I know that you want to save all the extra money you have for adoption or any other expense for baby, but maybe it is time for a little Christy and Grey time. Something for both of you to refresh, regroup and be as prepared as possible to move forward.

    Thinking of you..............

  4. Oh, Cristy. My heart aches for you. Grey's middle-of-the-night panic attack sounds so painful for both of you. I know you know this, but grieving and fear are normal. And I can't imagine how all of this wouldn't affect your job--you'd have to be an automaton for it not to.

    Thinking of you, friend.

  5. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

    I think a holiday, even a little one, would be very good for both of you. You both sound so tired and overwhelmed. You need a break. It's impossible to heal when the wounds are constantly reopened.

    I hope Dee is able to help you find a way forward.

  6. Hopefully Dee will be able to help you guys. I'm so sorry things have to be so rough for you.

  7. I understand what you are saying. I called it wandering in a desert though and likened it to circling in the air in an airplane. I just wanted to land, somewhere, anywhere. How long would we be forced to wander/circle? I know these are mixed metaphors, but it was how I felt for a year. Praying you find your shack in the woods and some sort of direction and peace!

  8. I am getting misty-eyed my friend. I wish I could do something for you both. If you need to visit or decompress, we are here. I know you are putting everything into this adoption and I think you are so brave...but remember you still have frostie-babies! There is still a chance at a biological child, even if you feel it is small. Whatever happens, I know you guys are string enough to get through it. Head up hon, you CAN do this and you will be parents.

  9. I've been thinking of you this weekend. I am sorry you are feeling so lost and I'm here any time you want to talk. xoxo

  10. I hope grieving together has helped you find some peace and continue to. I think you need to get away and take some time for yourselves, clear your heads. If a full vacation is out why not a couple day trips or just overnight? Continue taking good care of each other. Hugz!

  11. This is just so heartbreaking to read. Some time away is often a good idea, the pain of it won't go away but it does help to change scenery for a few days and just be together.

  12. Oh Cristy, I'm so sorry you and Grey are going through this. I'm sending you guys lots of love.

  13. So sorry Cristy. This process is so not fair. It doesn't make sense. But it's not the end - it's the beginning of something beautiful. You guys are so deserving. It will get better - the crappiest part is behind you. So many hugs to you.


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