Saturday, May 12, 2012


Today Grey and I went to an informational meeting about adoption. The purpose behind this meeting was fairly simple: gather information regarding Plan B. I'd been looking forward to this meeting for weeks, hoping it would give me something to hold onto as we proceeded with this final round of treatment. Instead, I walked out of the agency on the verge of tears.

A little bit of background: the agency that we chose to start researching this process is call Amara. Grey and I learned about this agency about a year ago while we were active with our support group, with many members talking about it's success rates. Amara is unique, as it services residents of Washington State and make their services affordable to all families. But there's a catch: they require participates to enroll in their foster-to-adopt program. Private adoptions are done, but participants are warned this will happen only if they are also enrolled in their foster-to-adopt program and that more of the costs will be out of pocket.

First, I did appreciate how honest this organization was regarding their process and how active they are with finding permanent and stable homes for children. The staff at this agency is very committed to this goal, working extensively to ensure that the entire process is to the benefit of the child.

Second, I'm okay with foster to adopt. I feel there are many children in the foster system who just need a loving home. But it's also a harder road. Most of these kids have been pulled from their birth parents and come from chaotic environments. Though the rewards are great, there is a lot of work that needs to be done with these children. And rarely do people actually talk about how stressful this is for the adoptive parents. That as much as they love their children, this road takes a very special type of parent.

Cue feeling anxious.

Still, I figured this could be done. Naively I thought "I've survived fertility treatments and loss, showing that I'm more than willing to do what it takes to expand my family." Yes I know that adoption is not an easy process, one involving opening yourself to more invasion in privacy, anxious waiting and tests of sanity than most people can begin to imagine.

But I want to be a mother.

I can do this!

Then we were presented with the timeline for this entire process.
-Assembling the material/completing training: 4-6 months
-Matching children with potential parents: 10-18 months
-Finalization of the process: 4-24 months

Total time for the average adoption: 2 years.

Cue shaking.

Confession time: I had it in my mind that this whole process would not take more than a year. That with all the hoops, there was still a chance that this would be my last Mother's Day in limbo. Because at least we would know where our child was coming from. That at least there would be a chance to end this madness. Instead, I was hit with the reality that we very well could be spending even more time waiting. A LOT more time, if we narrowed our options. Add in the possibility of relocating out of state for work, and the process is extended. In fact, the agency encourages couples to wait if they know this will be happening until they are more settled.

Fuck. Double fuck.

I've spent most of the afternoon curled up in bed, taking my frustration out on Grey. The poor guy is trying, but we had a moment last night where he mistakenly brought up BIL's wife and how difficult her last pregnancy was. Yes, fertile women who have no trouble conceiving get the world feeling sympathetic for their aches and pains; infertile women are shunned and are classified as potential child-stealers.

I am officially a crazy lady, even more pissed than I could ever imagine. All right before Mother's Day, when I get to be reminded for yet another year that I still do not have a child in my arms. And at this rate, it feels like it will never happen.


  1. I'm so sorry you didn't find the hope you were looking for today. I feel your pain so sharply right now. It's unbelievable how often our hope is yanked away.

    Try it one day at a time. One step at a time. The first step is to make it through tomorrow. With the knowledge that you are loved.

  2. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I would be shaken too. Two years sounds like forever away, I know. But, I'm proud of you for going and getting information! That's a great first step. Maybe it's the right path for you and Grey, maybe it's not. You would never know unless you went and started to accumulate info.

    I just wanted to mention... I have two friends who did the foster-to-adopt route. With one family, the adoption has recently been finalized (probably after a year or more). The other couple, they are still in the process. But during the process of adopting, the child is living with them. And she has been for a year. So even though the actual adoption time frame may seem long, you WILL be spending much of that time as a mother, and mothering your little one(s)! At least that's how it happened with both of my friends (who are in different states, btw).

    I hope that gives you a little comfort. And if not, I'm sending you a huge ass internet hug. <3

  3. I am so sorry about your disappointment and feelings of being overwhelmed. Adoption can be just as labor intensive and drawn out as infertility treatments. It all sucks, I know!!!

    I would highly suggest looking into other adoption agencies and join some online adoption forums. They can be a great wealth of information and support.

    Hattie is right, take it all one day at a time.


  4. Oh Cristy, I am truly sorry. This isn't fair - not the infertility, not the hurdles along the way, not any of it. I wish you lots of strength and luck.

    This road is not easy. You are right to be angry, but I know that you'll find your happy ending. And when you do, these scars will begin to heal. I will be here hoping with all I have that this time comes very soon for you.

  5. I'm not sure anything could be more perfectly said than what came from Hattie. Your pain is sharp and the dashed hope devastating. I'm sure today will not be a good day (I know it's not for me) but you just have make it to tomorrow. Even if you hide under the blankets all day.

  6. I'm sorry the informational meeting didn't go the way you'd hoped. That initial break between our expectations and reality can be a shock. I'm glad you're opening yourself up to all posibilities, though. It's difficult to veer from our original path, the way we think things are supposed to go. Getting through today is the important thing. And then see what tomorrow brings. Sending you hugs.

  7. I'm so sorry the timeframe was so shockingly long. :( I felt hugely overwhelmed when I started looking adoption about a year ago. The early steps seem very hard, but we're here for you to vent/cry/rage/whatever.

    I haven't been a great commenter lately but your posts keep striking me as being so, so close to what I'm feeling these days. If we didn't live on opposite coasts we would have to hang out and commiserate.

    Sending you a hug today!

  8. Awww Cristy, that sucks. Really bad.

    Before we started hard core with fertility treatments, I called our local adoption agency too to get a sense of what the whole process would entail and what the wait time was like. Basically the social worker boiled it down to taking approximately 3 years for the average couple... not sure what the program is like where you are, but here in Edmonton, the mother would have to select us to be the parents. And the reality of THAT is that we may never get selected.

    This phone call also left me in a major state of anxiety and depression. It was the first time that I realized that being a parent is not a given and that no matter what, there are no guarantees with anything.

    It is so depressing. I feel your pain so much.

    With the foster to adopt idea, I find that interesting - and a bit hurtful. As a couple who is unable to conceive, why are we forced to take on the toughest parenting situation of all? And in the end, the children that we would foster may / will be taken from us and put back into a situation that is clearly less than ideal? How is this fair to US?

    There is NOTHING easy about this process. Nothing at all.

    You are so strong. And brave. And not alone. We are walking here right beside you.

  9. My heart goes out to you... you've been through so much. This should be so much easier... and I'm swearing for you too. Know that I'm thinking of you from afar and hope that you get a break soon... love to you always xoxo

  10. oh dang it. I'm sorry hon. This is just so unfair. Try to keep your head up when you can, I am sure you will be a mommy. I can't promise you when and 2 years isn't a great time line, but I know you will. In the meantime, we are here for you. Anytime.

  11. Hi again Cristy - I found a post from another mama in waiting that made me think of you -

    Thinking of you! :)


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