Since the beginning of history, the shame of
infertility/loss have been tightly linked with the blessings and joys of fertility and
child-rearing. The Bible is filled with stories about infertility, such as Rachel and Leah,
Hannah, Rebekkah and Elizabeth. In ancient Greece, Hera and Artemis were regularly prayed to by women seeking resolution. Even fairy tales are filled with examples of
infertility, with classic tales such as Snow White, Thumbelina and Rapunzel. In all cases, the stories are the same: the heartbreak of
longing for a child mixed with feelings of shame and unworthiness.
The 20th century was an era of vast technological
change. With the industrial era came the invention of motorized vehicles, space
travel, modernization of medicine and advances in agriculture. It also brought
with it advancements in fertility treatments. In the age of molecular biology,
scientists were able to devise a method to join sperm with egg outside a
woman’s body. Following the birth of Louise Brown, fertility treatments
continued to be improved upon, with the introduction of new drugs,
modifications to optimize protocols and invention of techniques such as
intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) and preimplantation genetic screening (PGS). By July
2012, more than 5 million babies had been born through assisted reproductive
technologies, allowing for people who would previously have been unable to
achieve pregnancy and bring home biological children.
Despite the leaps and bounds made by technology, though,
infertility, loss and adoption remain very taboo topics. In many cultures,
couples facing a diagnosis of infertility or repeat pregnancy loss are often
shamed into remaining quiet or are met with platitudes such as “relax,” “go on vacation,” or “God’s will.” Too
often, infertiles/RPLers find themselves isolated during a time of intense trauma and
grief. Nevermind talking openly about all the grief and the pain caused by this disease as the
discomfort of others far outweighs any solace an infertile/RPLer would hope to
find.
The problem with this model, though, is that by not talking
about infertility and loss, the myth of deserved shame and grief is
perpetuated. By remaining silent we encourage the 7.3 million people in the US alone (1 in 8 individuals) who are facing this
trauma to live in the shadows.
Like many ALIers, following my diagnosis with unexplained
infertility I chose to remain silent. A lot of my decision had to do with
preserving my pride, as I didn’t want to be viewed as a whiner. The few who I
did confide in were quick to reassure me that my inability to become pregnant
was simply due to me being stressed. Yet as time went on I knew we were
missing something. After all, Grey and I were doing everything we were
suppose to without success while others we knew continued to find themselves
accidently pregnant following misuse of birth control or under the assumption that it couldn't happen that easily. It was following my sister’s tearful announcement that she
too had an “oops” that I knew it was time for a change as remaining silent
about our situation was not only hindering my ability to process the trauma
that is infertility, but was actually exacerbating my grief.
Since coming out of the infertility closet I’ve found a
community filled with men and women from all walks of life who not only
understand, but who have been able to support Grey and me during moments when
others were unable. Through writing about all the failed treatments, our
miscarriages, the uncertainty and the myriad of emotions, Grey and I both have
been able to not only heal, but also find the strength to continue on our quest
to expand our family.
Most rewarding has been learning how sharing our story has
impacted others. Discussions with others about our journey has always resulted
in someone pulling me aside to tell me that they’ve been on this road too, resulting in extended conversations about their path and all they’ve been
through. In addition, we’ve found that those who might otherwise be blissfully
clueless about the ALI world have become more sensitive to those around them,
modifying their behavior under the realization that seemingly benign questions
about family planning are truly not.
The movement to bring awareness about infertility and loss
is not a new one, with the early pioneers blazing the trail and choosing to talk not only
about their journeys but the need for support and understanding. It was because
of these pioneers that the advances in medical treatment exist, that RESOLVE
exists and that the ALI community exists. Without these pioneers, we’d still
very much be in the dark-ages.
Still, there is work to be done. Despite treatment options, few still have the
means to access this care. Equally so, many suffer silently assuming that they
are alone in facing the trauma that is infertility/loss. By joining the movement, even in the simplest ways,
we are changing the conversation. Instead of hiding the scars of
infertility/loss, having the courage to show them and talk candidly about how
they’ve made us stronger promotes this change. Joining the movement doesn’t mean one is required to
tell their full story to strangers. Even today, I find myself assessing the
situation before I launch into my TTC timeline.
But what it does mean raising awareness, such as posting about NIAW on
Facebook (and maybe even using some of Keiko Zoll’s headers fabulous headers), it
means refusing to allow the myths to continue by correcting someone gently, and
it meanreaching out to someone who’s struggling. Even the acknowledgment that infertility is a disease affecting 1 in 8 individuals in the US (1 in 4 globally) reaches this goal. No act is too small for this
cause. No action is without meaning.
This year I encourage to find your voice. Join the movement.
To learn more about infertility and loss, check out these resources from RESOLVE:
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic
understanding of the disease of infertility.)
What a wonderful post. Thanks for writing so articulately about such important issues. I never considered that infertility was part of those fairytales but I guess it is! Interesting!
ReplyDeleteLove this. May just share on FB!
ReplyDeleteThis is so wonderful, Cristy. I hope you don't mind that I share this on FB. Just today I "came out" of my infertility closet on there, and this says everything that I feel so eloquently. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThis is inspiring. I'm planning on coming out on FB, but strangely the Canadian infertility awareness week is different than the US one, and I gotta stick with my home and native land. I'll be doing it in May.
ReplyDeleteSuch power in reading stories, and in telling our stories and finding our voices. It makes me remember why and how I got started reading, sharing, voicing.
ReplyDeleteAnd making friends who are soooo well-spoken :-)
Thanks for your sweet comments the last few days on my blog. I have not been a very good blog commenter lately. I am unexplained too and I get the "You're probably too stressed," bit all the time. Thank you for putting this out there and providing that information and advocacy. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Cristy. I'm so glad you and Grey decided to share your story.
ReplyDeleteGREAT POST, Cristy!!! You are a gifted writer! Your ability to articulate the need for IF awareness is amazing! Thank you for your post!
ReplyDelete