This space has been quiet for the past few weeks. Far quieter than I ever intended. Part of it has to do with work stress and lack on energy on my end. But the other part has been me dealing with issues that are usually not ALI-friendly. Issues that usually result in hateful comments or rants.
Before I go any further, I need to state very VERY clearly that I am in no way ungrateful for this pregnancy. After 3 yrs of TTC hell, which has included multiple rounds of IVF, isolation from family and friends who have been less than supportive, being lapped, enduring thoughtless questions and comments from the general public and pretty much giving up on the idea of biological children, not a day goes by where I don't stop and thank the Beats for deciding to stick around. This past week those moments have become all the more frequent, as I can finally feel distinct pops and flutters indicating movement from both of them. Believe me, the tears always following these reminders because I know how lucky we are to even be here.
Despite all of this, though, the past week has been one filled with panic attacks and feelings of isolation. In my own little world, I know Grey and I are managing things the best we can. But then I step outside and immediately begin feeling overwhelmed.
First off, there's the reality that I will officially be unemployed come July. Try as I might, there's really no way around this fact and as much as I know that the time at home will be beneficial for the Beats, I'm still freaking out. To date, I have not been without work for more than 3 weeks in over 18 years. I'm use to being self-sufficient and providing for my family. In addition there's the fact that I enjoy what I do and how dynamic the environment is. So dynamic that being out of it for any length of time can make it difficult to re-enter. Hence the additional level of fear about becoming irrelevant and outdated. The long and the short of it are that I'm working actively to put mechanisms in place so that I can prevent all of this. Still, it's scary to know that so much is up in the air and try as I might there's really nothing I foresee the outcome of all of it.
Then there's the logistics of being a pregnant infertile. Of straddling between being on the road of resolution while still having one foot in the trenches.
On Saturday, Grey and I met with Tina, her husband and E for breakfast. Grey and I first met E last year, during a much needed period following our second miscarriage and when we were making decisions about our journey to parenthood. It's amazing how much this little girl has grown and I spent most of our breakfast unable to take my eyes off this beautiful child. One thing that equally amazed me was that Tina had been so insistent on seeing me. I assumed wrongly that this pregnancy would be hard for her, as she was never able to have this experience, and didn't want to subject her to yet another bump. Yet she was filled with warmth and advice as we watched E color and charm all the waitstaff, talking about milestones, daycare and local resources for new parents.
Though the breakfast on Saturday was a fun one, it still resulted in Grey and I reflecting about past decisions later on that evening. Seeing E brought so much joy to our hearts and spurred us both to begin preparations for the Beats. But it also left my heart heavy. This feeling that something was still missing.
Prior to infertility/loss, adoption was something Grey and I had talked about, but in the manner most couples do. "Oh sure, we'll adopt one day" we chimed when asked about family building plans, but the reality was that we had about as much knowledge of the process as your average person on the street. We didn't know about the hurdles, the false-assumptions, the heartache and the stress. Nor did we understand the unique opportunity this process provides to build family, the joy and the love that can grow.
Seeing E brought all of this back to both Grey and I, reminding us how much we wanted to adopt. And with this realization came the fear that we may never be able to. That with all the logistics of caring for the Beats, of recovering from the financial drain caused by fertility treatments, that by moving forward with our careers, we will always be viewed as undesirable as candidates by any adoption agency. And that by not being able to move forward with this option, our family will never truly be complete.
All of this has come with the knowledge that we are far from being out of the woods with this pregnancy. The Beats are healthy and my body is behaving at the moment. But the fear of losing them still persists, knowing that my body has failed before. So on top of all of this, during a period when I know I should be over the moon and preparing for their arrival, I'm finding myself wrapped in guilt. That I'm neglecting our miracle twins and jinxing everything.
At this point, I'm at a loss for what to do. The moments of panic have slowly been subsiding now that I know I can talk with Grey about all of this, but the truth is that I feel very much alone at the moment. I feel crazy for feeling this way, for not being able to fully embrace what I have. Maybe it's just a sign that I need to be smacked.
Addiction to Prediction
11 hours ago
Pregnancy is difficult and scary and filled with hormones. You've been wanting this forever, but that doesn't magically make it easy! Just take it one day at a time because when they are here, everything will change...you'll be thrilled and even more scared shitless all at the same time! But you'll be ok. Your feelings on adoption may change drastically after the babies are born and if they don't, you can reevaluate then...
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about you so much lately. I wouldn't question you being grateful for one second about this pregnancy. I think you have very legitimate concerns and fears. I do know that your babies are going to have the sweetest loving mom and dad :)
ReplyDeleteTime to find a hobby that will keep your mind off the pregnancy and being unemployed. If you are crafty you could always open an Etsy shop.
ReplyDeleteI think this is one of those things that is so challenging about pregnancy after infertility. It is so hard to really believe things are happening and get past the fear that so much of us have about losing our children. I really thought before I got pregnant that all the sadness and fears would go away once I could see a BFP. But, then I was worried and scared about the heartbeat, and then terrified that they wouldn't grow enough at the next ultrasound. Being able to relax has been such a difficult thing and even today before our 27 week ultrasound I had fears that one of the babies was going to be dead or that they wouldn't be measuring where they should be. I also feel guilty for feeling this way. You are totally not alone in this. I am sending so many thoughts your way lady!! All your feelings are normal and valid!
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. I was full of fear for my entire pregnancy. Also, my entire department was laid off while I was on maternity leave, and seven years later I am just now startling to get a toe hold back in. These are totally legitimate concerns. The first year raising twins is exhausting as it is rewarding. I'm not going to sugar coat anything for you :)
ReplyDeleteI just hope that there is a day when an infertile pregnant person can vent w/o having to say "I'm totally grateful for this pregnancy...so on and so on." Of COURSE you are. Complaining is totally natural.
First: jinxing does not exist. We all know this. If jinxing did exist no infertile would ever get her take home baby. We'd jinx it with an early pee stick, with an impulsive onsie purchase, with an early name debate, with a joyful announcement, with assembling the crib, etc. So put that out of your mind :)
ReplyDeleteSecond: Nothing about your thoughts are irrational or ungrateful. The career issue is a HUGE STRESS. I feel you there, too. I'll be leaving my field come July to move with the Prof. and don't have another job prospect in sight. The longer I'm away, the harder it will be to return. I have also never gone more than several weeks without working since I was 16. No joke. It's really freaking scary and a HUGE life change on-top of an already huge life change - parenthood. I like to believe that we need these months of gestation to mull over these changes and slowly come to term with them so when your Beats and my Chicken make their debut we are comfortable with where we are. Write freely about your fears here and delete the douche noodles who say otherwise. Writing about it will help you process and move forward in time.
I'm done lecturing now :) So happy you are feeling the Beats move on a regular basis! And enjoy the small pokes... soon they will be jabbing you in places you did not realize their appendages could reach!
I totally get it. When I feel down, I feel so bad about it. When I feel tired, I feel like I should be grateful for this exhaustion. When I can't calm J and feel overwhelmed, I feel like I should be happy that I have a screaming baby.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is that although I am grateful for the blessings we've been bestowed, I get sad, scared, overwhelmed, upset, mad and frustrated too. But I have a hard time letting myself feel this way. Although I know it's unrealistic for me to be happy all the time, whenever I feel an inkling of some sort of "negative" emotion, I beat myself up about it. It's terrible, I know. But I have a hard time stopping the cycle. I really think this infertility rearing its ugly head.
In regard to your friends Tina and her husband - it's interesting that you write about this experience and how you were afraid of making her feel bad for what you have and she does not, and then you write about how she has something that you will not and that there is a concern about not feeling like your family will be complete. Yes, adoption is a beautiful way to build a family, but that's really all it is - one way to build a family. I think that once your children are here you WILL feel complete. I commend you and Grey for exploring all options and think this speaks to your underlying desire of really wanting to be parents. But by losing out on adoption, you have gained something equally amazing. Just like Tina, once your babes are here, you will stare at them in amazement (between the inevitable ups and downs of exhaustion) and you will know that this was meant to be. You won't look back and it will all make sense.
I wish things weren't so up in the air with your job - I can't imagine how stressful that must be. The financial stress and the turmoil associated with professional stalling would be very difficult for me to swallow. Yes, it will be good to have time off to mother the babies, but having some certainty would also be nice. Don't feel bad about expressing your stress - we can totally relate.
Anyway, hang in there Cristy and take care. We're rooting for you!
If you need to be smacked, then so do I. (Though I really don't think you do.) Granted, I haven't had the career worries that you're facing right now (and it's perfectly acceptable to be freaking out about that!), but I can definitely relate to the other emotions. The fear of losing of my baby is with me every day, even though so far everything has gone smoothly and I'm nearing full term. It just Never. Goes. Away. I even dream about it at night.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I've also mourned (and am still mourning, if I'm completely honest) that I won't be able to adopt. Adoption was actually my Plan A, but the more I researched it, the more I realized it was out of my grasp. And even though I'm thrilled to be pregnant, there's still that part of me that aches for that other child out there that I won't get to raise. Grieving the loss of your family building dream doesn't make you ungrateful for what you have now.
I feel your pain on the uncertainty of the job/career all that jazz. My spouse found out in November that this one contract was it and it decidedly made the rest of the pregnancy extra stressful and continues to be stressful. Careers are so strange and hard to nurture properly, just like children. I hope that things turn out smoother than expected for you.
ReplyDeleteFirst, never say never with respect to the adoption route. You don't know what will happen in the future, and so much in life is changeable, that I don't think you should be ruling yourself out and adding extra stress to an already stressful situation. As for the career, I echo some of the comments above...is there a way you can find to translate your time at home to one that is both good for your health (and that of the Beats) while working on something a little outside the box? You're such a great writer...perhaps there's some freelancing to be done that could get you some extra cash and help your anxiety? Don't worry about sounding ungrateful...first of all, you don't, and second of all, you have a lot going on right now! We're all rooting for you and know you'll figure it out.
ReplyDeleteUgh. The dreaded jinx. Why are we so afraid of it? I can relate to so many of those feelings. Try to forget about what you should feel and work through what you do feel. Maybe eventually you will feel what you want to feel?
ReplyDeleteI wish you weren't feeling so alone lady, but I think it makes sense too... A feeling that I am sure a lot of pregnant infertiles go through. I know it is easier said than done, but for now.... try not to be too hard on yourself about the future. I can tell you from experience, the adoption piece can certainly come together in ways you never expected. It shouldn't be something you are worrying about now though. You have time for that. Right now... just try to focus on you and the beats. I'm thinking of you lady...
ReplyDeleteThe loss of your job is a huge upheaval in your life so I can only imagine how it is putting you under tons of stress. I hope that in the next few months you can secure new employment so that some of that stress goes away.
ReplyDeleteSorry about your job situation. Things sound really overwhelming right now. I can't say I can relate, but I can completely understand some of those emotions. I hope you can find something fun to put your energy into while you are off work.
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't sound ungrateful to me at all. Adoption is something that is close to your heart, and could be a way to complete your family in the future. Just like any other infertile couple wants a second or third child, it can be a natural longing.
ReplyDeleteHi, I so get this fear. Pregnancy after infertility is beyond hard as we understand and have been changed by our earlier losses. Those around us don't understand this unless they've been through similar. On top of this you have job fears, so that whatever future you had allowed yourself to think about has now suddenly changed. I hope the steps that you are taking to address this work out. cc
ReplyDeleteso completely understandable to be worried about/freaking out about all this stuff. I've gone through much of the same - really fixating on how this is all going to affect my career and progress post- post-doc for a lot of the last few months. Even though I'm obviously super grateful to be pregnant with my twins it's taken a huge toll on the energy and focus I need to get to the next career stage - at a time when it's pretty crucial to be hard at it (as you know!). So crazy stressful to be balancing everything at the same time. All I can say is that probably beating yourself up about the stress isn't all that helpful, though it's sort of false advice as I've been there so many times myself.
ReplyDeleteso completely understandable to be worried about/freaking out about all this stuff. I've gone through much of the same - really fixating on how this is all going to affect my career and progress post- post-doc for a lot of the last few months. Even though I'm obviously super grateful to be pregnant with my twins it's taken a huge toll on the energy and focus I need to get to the next career stage - at a time when it's pretty crucial to be hard at it (as you know!). So crazy stressful to be balancing everything at the same time. All I can say is that probably beating yourself up about the stress isn't all that helpful, though it's sort of false advice as I've been there so many times myself.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness I think this is all so understandable given your experiences and current situation, and you don't sound in the slightest ungrateful. I'm not even pregnant yet, and I have some of the same worries in advance of the situation! I totally get that adoption is close to your heart (my husband and I feel similarly), and that there is a kind of grieving process that goes with letting that dream go...Those of us in the ALI world have to work hard to imagine any kind of future, to feel positive about building our families in whatever way that happens, and like all of us you've clearly invested a lot in that. And I also think it makes perfect sense that, as you say, you feel *on the road* to resolution without actually being out of the trenches yet. Personally, I cannot relate at all when people get a BFP and refer to themselves as beyond that struggle. Having experienced second tri loss, I'm not sure if I'll ever feel that way, even if I do manage a pregnancy again...
ReplyDeleteAnd the work stuff (spoken as a fellow unemployed academic who will probably not resurrect her career) is no small thing. It's sounds like you're on the ball with trying to keep one foot in the door, but that requires no small amount of energy in itself, is often thankless and unpaid, and all when you've already got so much on your plate.
Sorry I don't have more articulate, encouraging words. I just wanted to say that I get it, and that I really, really hope there are calmer, brighter days ahead for you guys.
I've been thinking about you a lot. This job situation is very stressful, no doubt about it. It's stressful for any person, and look at how much more you're dealing with. So please don't feel guilty about being stressed out or being labeled ungrateful. You have so much on your plate. As for adoption, it's so wonderful that it's still on your mind, but please take it one step at a time. You will complete your family when you have less on your plate. As always, much love and hugs for you.
ReplyDeleteSome of the feelings you express here make me wonder if you're experiencing something similar to PTSD.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that I'm here and I hear you. XOXO
I totally get all of this...every single little piece of it. The part that really resonates with me right now at this stage in my journey is the adoption part. My husband and I are trying for #2 and every once in a while (okay, every day pretty much), I wish that we would have started adoption a long time ago rather than doing fertility treatments for #2. But the thing is, there's no way we could have afforded it! We literally just picked the least expensive route. I get so worried sometimes that we'll never be able to adopt because it's something we feel so passionately about. I hope that all of these comments from other bloggers helped to normalize your experience. You are certainly not alone. I'm glad you felt safe enough to speak up about these concerns.
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