One step forward, two steps back

On Tuesday, Grey and I attended our second adoption informational meeting. Unlike our first meeting, this meeting felt much more relaxed and inclusive. One of the staff sat us in a circle and outlined their program, the process and their philosophy. Both Grey and I really liked the agency and the work they are doing. There's just a couple of problems: 1) their wait time has been extended and 2) if we went through them, we would need to complete a whole new homestudy.

After the meeting, we went out to dinner to talk about what we had learned and we both came to the same conclusion: though we really (REALLY) liked this agency, if we move, this is not going to work.  It would be one thing if we could start the process and update our homestudy, but it sounds like they are unwilling to accept previous homestudies or ones that do not meet their criteria. In addition, their wait time is much longer than most agencies because they are pro-choice. Out of ~250 women they counseled last year, only 15% decided to pursue adoption. These are sobering statistics for anyone considering this process.

Where this leaves us is waiting on another agency and determining where to go from here. The application we submitted on Sunday is currently under review (with one of the most unflattering pictures of us as a couple), but Grey is struggling with trusting a group that he may never meet in person.

All of this came to a head yesterday morning with Grey suffering yet another migraine. The despair and sense of loss was so evident in his voice that I couldn't help but cry when he called me at work. This has been harder on him than either of us anticipated and he's struggling to find meaning and hope in all of this. Struggling because he's been hurt in so many aspects of life because of this.

I'm going to be honest: I'm lost at what to do. I lot of this has to do with the fact that I'm more trusting of people and want to believe that only good things can come from this. The other part comes down to the fact that I'm tired of trying to control everything. We did it with treatment and look at where it got us. We've also done so in our everyday lives. But I also understand where Grey is coming from. We threw caution to the wind in 2006 and purchased our condo. That decision is still punishing us to this day with the end of all this nowhere in sight. In addition, we need to proceed cautiously in this process as it's all too easy to be scammed.

I'm frustrated. And edgy. And wishing that there was finally some clear answer to all of this. Why oh why can't expanding one's family be as easy as everyone says it is?