Thursday, July 12, 2012

One step forward, two steps back

On Tuesday, Grey and I attended our second adoption informational meeting. Unlike our first meeting, this meeting felt much more relaxed and inclusive. One of the staff sat us in a circle and outlined their program, the process and their philosophy. Both Grey and I really liked the agency and the work they are doing. There's just a couple of problems: 1) their wait time has been extended and 2) if we went through them, we would need to complete a whole new homestudy.

After the meeting, we went out to dinner to talk about what we had learned and we both came to the same conclusion: though we really (REALLY) liked this agency, if we move, this is not going to work.  It would be one thing if we could start the process and update our homestudy, but it sounds like they are unwilling to accept previous homestudies or ones that do not meet their criteria. In addition, their wait time is much longer than most agencies because they are pro-choice. Out of ~250 women they counseled last year, only 15% decided to pursue adoption. These are sobering statistics for anyone considering this process.

Where this leaves us is waiting on another agency and determining where to go from here. The application we submitted on Sunday is currently under review (with one of the most unflattering pictures of us as a couple), but Grey is struggling with trusting a group that he may never meet in person.

All of this came to a head yesterday morning with Grey suffering yet another migraine. The despair and sense of loss was so evident in his voice that I couldn't help but cry when he called me at work. This has been harder on him than either of us anticipated and he's struggling to find meaning and hope in all of this. Struggling because he's been hurt in so many aspects of life because of this.

I'm going to be honest: I'm lost at what to do. I lot of this has to do with the fact that I'm more trusting of people and want to believe that only good things can come from this. The other part comes down to the fact that I'm tired of trying to control everything. We did it with treatment and look at where it got us. We've also done so in our everyday lives. But I also understand where Grey is coming from. We threw caution to the wind in 2006 and purchased our condo. That decision is still punishing us to this day with the end of all this nowhere in sight. In addition, we need to proceed cautiously in this process as it's all too easy to be scammed.

I'm frustrated. And edgy. And wishing that there was finally some clear answer to all of this. Why oh why can't expanding one's family be as easy as everyone says it is?


  1. What a shitty deal. You're right, you are a lot like bob and I'm a lot like Grey when it comes to this. So hard to trust that everything is going to be ok and that there is some meant to be happy ending. I wish it wasn't such a crappy situation.

    Something to note - statistics are just that. Statistics. You and Grey are a perfect match for any hopeful birthmom. You're right that the process can be long... But it may be short too.

    On another note, any movement on private adoption???

    1. Application is currently in review. We should hear soon (hopefully). We're also meeting with Abigail and Patience (A &P) in the middle of August, so that's something to look forward to.

      Thanks Alicia. It's good to know I'm not alone.

    2. You are so not alone. I'm so glad to be walking this path with you. Grey has forgotten about fate and meant to be love... It's hard to bring yourself back there after years of disappointment. He met you, right? This will soon be proof enough that you guys are totally gonna make it through. Be strong. The best is yet to come.

  2. I wish I had a magic answer for you, but all I can think to say is that I'm thinking about you.

  3. Adoption is a hard road, it really is. People always say "oh, you can *just* adopt", but it's not like that at all. My heart goes out to you and Grey. I hope you find the answers you want soon!

  4. I wish this was easier for you guys. Just have to keep at it 1 day at a time. I wish there was something I could do but you're in my thoughts always. Hang in there. This is some hard stuff. Here for you anytime.

  5. My heart goes out to you both... you've bee through so much. I wish that your lucky break would come. Love and hugs to you from afar xoxo

  6. Well, that's one I hadn't heard--having to complete a separate homestudy. I thought a homestudy was a homestudy and didn't know there were different requirements. This is so confusing. I feel completely at a loss, too.

  7. Thinking of you and wishing for things to become easier. All I can say is that in the time we've been thinking about and pursuing adoption, my husband and I were frequently in very different places about it. There were times when I was the one pushing it ahead, and times that I can't deal with yet another round of paperwork and he's the one who is optimistic. I think it's only recently that we are in a phase where we are pretty in sync. Over all, we've filled in for each other at important times it seems.

  8. Always thinking of you and wishing I could help. Adoption is no walk in the park and it drives me insane when people offhandedly tell you to 'just adopt', like it's simple. None of this is easy my friend. But you will get through it. Stay strong.

  9. I have read that the pain that hits us women so quickly when it comes to IF and loss takes men a good year or 2 more to hit them and really sink in. I am waiting for that day with my Hubby and not looking forward to it. Praying Grey finds some peace.


Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved