Monday, July 16, 2012


This past weekend was one for the records. Grey and I have had our fair-share of bad weekends since starting this TTC journey, but not one this bad in a while.

It started on a sour note. Friday at 4 pm we learned that one of the agencies we had applied to had rejected our application. The reason stated "we simply cannot accept everyone into our program based on sheer numbers." It doesn't take a genius to read between the lines and figure out that the real reason is religious views. Still, it wasn't what we wanted to hear, but both of us were quick to pick up the pieces and make plans on moving forward. We even had a good time watching a performance of "The Winter's Tale" in the park with friends. 

On Saturday, everything fell apart. The trigger was me bringing home some TCM herbs from my acupuncturist. Following the stories of relatives of friends hurting themselves due to improper treatment, he's become incredibly cautious about TCM. Based on this, the issue snowballed into a full-fledged argument where it became clear that TCM was simply the catalyst. None of it was pretty.

The truth of the matter is there's been too many people in my life telling me what I should do and feel for far too long. Though I trust my REs, the drugs I put into my body have wreaked havoc on my system resulting in weight-gain and me feeling very disconnected with it. Grey and I are continually being bombarded with other's opinions on our situation, ranging from those urging us to not give up hope and to try again to others going so far to say that adoption could result in me becoming pregnant. Even this stupid argument about taking the herbs has come down to control over what I do and me trying to regain some control over my body. All of it overwhelming, all of it feeling like I'm being disregarded. 

In short, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that I can't become pregnant like most of the general populous (prenatals and timed intercourse is such a luxury), I'm frustrated that with each attempt at adoption our road becomes blocked, I'm frustrated that the pain we're both living with is STILL minimized by our loved ones (apparently BIL's fever is more of a concern) and I'm frustrated that I'm getting resistance for trying to get my body back to a state that I don't loathe.  

On Wednesday I have an appointment with my PCP. And I fully intent on unloading all of this on her. Because something has to change. The nightmare of living in this limbo has got to stop because it's killing me. 


  1. Cristy - I don't have any words of wisdom, but wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have felt unsure of who to listen to, what to trust, what the right next steps will be - and frustrated by all of it. Mostly I crawl inside myself or obsessively ask the internet for answers (it provides none).

    I am sorry that this is so difficult. I wish I could make it easier for you.

  2. Oh Cristy I am so sorry you are in such a dark place right now. I do know that you are such a strong and determined woman and you will figure this stuff out. I just wish you didnt have to go through all of this crap!

    I am thinking of you and sending you a huge hug today.

  3. (((HUGS))) I hope venting helps this week!!! I'm sorry that u have had such a rough weekend and I really do hope it gets better!!!!!!!

  4. Cristy, I'm so sorry to hear the bad news from the agency and about your argument with Grey.

    I understand the frustration and anger you feel over people telling you what to do and how to feel. I'm finding myself in that same place and I'm surprised at how much rage it's bringing up in me. (I'm not normally a rage-y type of person.) For what it's worth, I fully support you in doing whatever YOU feel you need to do for your own health.

    Good luck with the appointment on Wednesday. Hopefully she can help in some way. *hugs*

  5. Oh Cristy, this gives me chills. I know there is absolutely nothing I can say to make this better, and that makes me so upset. You are such tremendous support to other women in this community, myself included. All I want to do is take at least a bit of your pain away and I know I can't.

    What I can say is that it absolutely sucks that your family does not provide the support you need. It is royally shitty what IF treatments do to our bodies. It is unbelievably frustrating when your communication with a spouse breaks down due to all of the above.

    I am a strong advocate for TCM, but am often met with skepticism and strong opinions that I am just "throwing my money away." Ultimately, no opinion other than my own really matters, though. The nay-sayers and the praisers don't know what I feel physically or mentally like from day to day and they don't know how a TCM remedy might help. While it is hard to tell friends, family and spouses to "bugger off - this is my body", it is ultimately what I have ended up doing. While I'm far from "fixed" or "perfect" I feel I am making steps towards healing and that is really all that matters. xoxo

  6. Oh hon, I'm just so sorry things keep spiraling down fo you. What you are feeling seems very rational to me...but I've been through some of it. I would love to tell you that getting the people in your life to understand and support you can be done, but it's not that easy.
    I understand about your body loathing. I feel that all the time when I think about the weight I've put on in the last three years, the way my body can't seem to concieve naturally, and the way it failed my twins. It's a constant battle to believe in myself.
    Let me know if there is anything I can do. If you need to talk or vent, I am only a phone call away.

  7. Oh yes. I feel you. I'm angry with my family, too, for not accepting that I'm trying to clawing myself out of this hole by changing strategies. It makes you want to share less of your journey with them, doesn't it? Like, "Look here. You don't get a vote in this! I'm in control here! I'm mostly telling you as a courtesy!"

    I'm really sorry that the agency turned you down. :(

  8. Just wanted to say that I'm here and thinking of you too. I completely understand what you said about just wanting to get back control of you, and your body. IF strips away so much of that control and it is so easy to become disconnected. I honestly don't know what to say, except that everything comes in seasons and this season will pass. I think you can try, and try to gain control again, but it will always seem like work until there is some emotional peace (how and when that comes, I don' t know!). For me, having a miscarriage and taking the time to grieve after it brought back a bit of that sense of me again. But man, is this a frustrating journey or what?!?!

  9. Its such a hard road to have to take. I do mean have to because we weren't given a choice of the road. I truly envy women that conceive without even thinking about it. Met a gal over the weekend that was heavily pregnant with twins. It was a family gathering I was at. She had no clue what a beta was. She didn't know about NICU. She had one of those natural twin pregnancies that we all dream of.

  10. I'm sorry this weekend was so difficult. I hope you find a way to regain some control, even over something small. I hate that feeling of being so powerless to change your situation--and so much of infertility and adoption is out of our hands. I'll be thinking of you and sending hugs.

  11. Brutal. Living in limbo and land of rejection (by your body, adoption agencies, etc) is just awful. It's soul sucking. I have heard so many people say that I'll get pregnant now that we're adopting. The logic is crazy!!! I mean, come on people, I have rotten old eggs and a very tired and banged up uterus. The last thing I need is people telling me that adopting a baby is going to magically make me pregnant, like the last 8 or more years was all made up.

    This process is so nasty and I really wish that you were not going through the awful side of things right now. The pain you feel now will serve as a measuring stick for the joy you will feel when you have YOUR little baby. One step at a time, you are one day closer to your little one.

  12. "soul-sucking"... that's the perfect descriptor, isn't it? I'm so sorry every piece of this is so damn difficult.

  13. Oh Cristy, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is just so unfair. You and Grey have gotten slammed enough. Sending you hugs.

  14. I'm so sorry you got a rejection from an adoption agency. It sucks that you are not getting the support you need from your family. I know it doesn't make up for it, but I hope your little online family gives you at least some of the support you need because we love you and want you to be happy and healthy. Hugz!


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