Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Thin


It's been a tough couple of weeks here in the Cristy/Grey household. After riding the high from our trip as well as from the summer sunshine, we were not prepared for drama that was lurking. Within a matter of days, though, that all changed. I really can't get into specifics here, but I will say this: it sucks beyond compare to feel unsafe in your own home.

Compounding this was the arrival of mail from my family. Almost a year ago I made the decision to severe contact with all of them. Still this announcement was a blow, dredging up all the pain and feelings of worthlessness caused by their betrayal and abuse. Needless to say, I haven't been coping well.

On Friday to overcome some of the panic associated with all the stress, I did something I haven't done in years; I went to the local driving range and rented 100 golf balls. The goal was simple: envision problems as golf balls and then smack said problems with a 3 iron. Though it worked for calming me down, it didn't offer any solutions.



Needless to say, it's been difficult to reach out to people as of late. Difficult to feel happy for others when I feel like a cornered animal. It bothers me that my home is compromised on so many levels and to know that there really is nothing I can do to prevent anything from happening other than to prepare myself to the worst and hope for the best. Add in the fact that others I know and love are finally doing well, moving on and it stings all the more. 

The truth is, I feel thin. Very thin. With adoption on hold, the question about leftover embryos and a general sense of chaos, I'm feeling overly tried and edgy. I haven't wanted to talk to anybody about this either simply because there are no simple answers and yet I still get well-meant but useless advice on what to do or not to do. 

What I really want is real answers. Honest to good answers. I want a way to resolve this cold war with my family; to get them to either leave me alone or make an honest attempt to rectify our relationship instead of playing the insane cat-and-mouse game. I want some of the crazies that are threatening my home and family to disappear. And I want someone to come forward with a clear answer to our fertility problems. To allow us to finally move on from all of this as well as to show us the road ahead. 

Instead, I stuck hating the universe and all that it's taken from us. I'm stuck wondering how much longer this cold war can be maintained before the next big blowup happens. And I'm stuck wondering if there's a way to overcome this latest round of disturbances calmly and logically instead of being pushed into a fight that no one will win. 

17 comments:

  1. Oh Cristy -- so much going on in your life right now. Please take good care of yourself during these difficult times. And know we are here when you need to talk...Sending lots and lots of loving thoughts your way!

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  2. My heart is with you Christy. On all of it. The general suck of the universe right now is overwhelming. And it's not just one thing, it's several. Big things. It's hard not to hate the world when it shits on you. I hope that this chaos breaks for you soon.

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  3. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Betrayal by family is the worst. You can't help, no matter how messed up they are, that they will eventually do the right thing. It brings everything back when they don't, because for a few seconds (at least for me) you had hope and bam... The cycle continues. I'm at a similiar place with my family... Either get it together or get lost.

    I think the universe needs to quit picking on good people and start knocking out the crackheads! I'm hoping you and your husband get some peace and answers! Hang in there.

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  4. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Betrayal by family is the worst. You can't help, no matter how messed up they are, that they will eventually do the right thing. It brings everything back when they don't, because for a few seconds (at least for me) you had hope and bam... The cycle continues. I'm at a similiar place with my family... Either get it together or get lost.

    I think the universe needs to quit picking on good people and start knocking out the crackheads! I'm hoping you and your husband get some peace and answers! Hang in there.

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  5. I'm sorry Cristy. It is hard sometimes to return to life after something so exciting...especially when life throws a bunch of shit your way. I hope your home problems are resolved soon, and I hope that you find peace with however you decide to respond to the news from your family. Hang in there. Time will pass, answers will come, and you can start the next phase of your journey soon.

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  6. Thinking about you and knowing that you will make it through this trying time. So many decisions and it sounds like you might have a family like mine. That always caused so much stress and panic. Love the idea of hitting some balls for stress relief.

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  7. Hi from ICLW...sometimes you need to take out your aggression...I was reading your journey and was wondering if you had looked at auto immune issues...most RE's dont "believe" in them...I had and IVF failure and I am cycling for a FET soon...if that fails I am going to look into it

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  8. I'm so sorry you've been going through a rough time, and feel awful that I didn't know about it. You know you can reach out any time!

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  9. I wish I had the answers for you. I wish life wasn't so unrelentingly cruel right now. I wish I knew what to say, but everything seems inadequate. Just know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

    *hugs*

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  10. Hoping that things will soon get better and "fatter" for you.

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  11. Ugh, so sorry cristy that you seem to be getting more than your share or crap thrown at you right now, just keep reminding yourself how strong you are and that this can't go on forever...hope whatever is going with your home gets taken care of ASAP...nothing like not feeling safe in your own home...thinking of you

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  12. I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. Feeling unsafe is just the absolute worst. Compounded with everything else and that's just too much. Please know you both are always in my thoughts and if there is anything I can do from here you can always ask. Anything. *hugs*

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  13. Oh honey I'm so sorry you are going through so much. It is horrible not feeling safe in your own house and feel like you are always being attacked. I am here if you need to talk about anything. Email me any time. I'm a good listener/reader and I always keep everything to myself. Huge hugz!

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  14. I'm just so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I wish there were something I could do...
    Just know that this too shall pass...at some point and you are doing the best you can right now. Keep fighting the good fight and know that there are people behind you even when your family isn't. It's no consolation, but it's something. Thinking of you always my friend.

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  15. I'm so sorry, Cristy. I wish you could get a break from the constant stream of shit that seems to be flowing your way. I hate that you don't have any answers, but I think the only way to get them is to keep asking questions--to anyone and everyone who will listen. Really hoping you two catch a break soon.

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  16. Really sorry to hear it's been so rough. I'm thinking of you.

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