Thursday, November 15, 2012

Grey skies, clear goals

Hi All,

This is Grey again, glad to be back with you. Thank you all for your very warm reception following my last post. It was very validating and you are helping me understand community on a deeper level. I hope I can give you what you gave me.

Our transfer is coming up and Cristy and I are filled with anxiety. For a fleeting moment awhile back, I felt like I could forget, escape. I even thought, hey, this isn't so bad. Who needs kids? But I know at my very core it isn't true. I need kids. No material, no personal freedom can fill a kid-shaped hole in my heart. We have to resolve. We have to do this. No waiting, no running. I can sprint, but have always been a terrible distance runner. She has started meds. I've been working on the logistics of getting our embies transferred to the new facility. More meds on the way. This is going to happen.

Not again I hope. This year started with our slightly late 2011 Christmas miracle destroyed on New Year's like a Christmas tree burned down by its own lights with the presents and innocence underneath. A nasty picture, but a profound minimization of our miscarriage. I wish our tree had burned down and not our pregnancy. I think you all know what I would have given to stop it because you probably would too. I don't want this again. But I can't fix it, I can't control it. I can only proceed into the dark. I grind my teeth and swallow. I take comfort knowing this is what the best of men do for their families, suffer fear and doubt.

I want a child. I want to grow my family with Cristy. This want is a need actually, natural and just. But there is the memory of hurt. Of loss. Doing this again is an exercise in will, not of any curiosity anymore. Last year, there was hope and curiosity. Before that, naivety. What a child I was, so haughty and confident. Now, there is willpower forced into a hope-shaped vessel. I fear that there is also a growing callousness spawned by the abuse of infertility. I want her to be happy. I want to be happy. Therefore, the callousness must not be. I cannot raise a child of any kind in bitterness. It negates the purpose. My soul must remain fertile if my body is not.

Adoption is still possible, still real, ever so personal, but seems far away. I want to do this if we can birth children or not, but it would take months after our theoretical move just to get started. More desert. Just one more dune to go. You said that 6 dunes ago.

There are times I feel better. Usually, these correspond to some time I'm feeling valuable at work or exercising or Cristy is happy. I try to soak these up. Try to keep them going.

Cristy and I are trying, trying to do this, trying to support each other. We fail sometimes. Then, we get back up and try again. Nothing particularly elegant, just grit derived from love and the clarity of what we want.


13 comments:

  1. Such a beautiful, wonderfully eloquent and deeply moving post. You express yourself so clearly and poetically. I love to get a glimpse into the men quietly standing behind my brave, inspiring bloggy friends.

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  2. I admire y'all for being so open with your struggles and your journey. Your metaphor for miscarriage is so horrible and true. Hoping that all of this ends with joy. Thanks for sharing your side :)

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  3. OMG This post is amazing! I love that ur able to share ur feelings as a husband here!!! I will be reading this to my hubby he needs to hear that others out there feel like this and its ok 2 share those feelings instead of keeping them all bottled up just because u want to appear strong!!! U guys will make amazing parents and we r all rooting for ur cycle!!!!! All of us!!!!!

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  4. Hi Grey! You're very right -- all you can do in this situation is just keep pushing through, dune after dune, and trying not to let all the sand and grit pull you down. Personally, I have high hopes for 2013. Frankly, 2012 can suck it. And I know a lot of people in this community are gearing up for IVF or FETs come January, so who knows, maybe we'll all be part of some crazy new year pregnancy wave. :) Hope you keep blogging and saying hello as you guys both go through this process... it's not easy.

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  5. Wow! What a beautiful post! I so wish my husband could express himself so openly on this journey. Thank you for sharing and giving a perspective we're not always privy to. I hope and pray this is the cycle for you both. But all you can do is to keep on keepin' on....

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  6. We are all here rooting you guys on 100%!

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  7. I love the partner perspective. My DH seemed blase about the whole process until we had our first miscarriage...and then I witnessed him crumble. He was in such a tough spot. I was physically having to deal with it, I was an emotional wreck and his Man-gene told him he had to be the supportive strong one....but seriously...he lost just as much as I did that day. It is so sad how the poor father get's minimized in this whole process. Thank you so much for your perspective. You are an awesome hubby to be so supportive and open with Cristy and I really think you will be a great dad. I will be rooting you along in this cycle. Have faith.
    Kd

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  8. Wishing you both the best of luck.

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  9. One of the nurses at my RE's clinic confessed to me during my last D&C that they often forget about the husbands in all of this. Which, I understand in some respects because they develop a connection to us women on a more intimate and constant level. But the husbands/partners should never be forgotten. It just propagates the (incorrect) idea that pregnancy is all about us women.

    What comes through loud and clear in this post are your words of togetherness. How your desires and vulnerabilities are meshed with Cristy's. It's not all about you or all about her, rather it's about doing this together. There is nothing stronger than that. Nothing. I take such insight from you and your perspective on this journey, Grey. I'm so glad that you confident enough, brave enough, and open enough to post along side your wife. Thank you.

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  10. Wishing you all the very very best of luck. Maybe, the new diagnosis and the new treatment for APA's will make all the difference. It was only after my clotting disorder diagnosis and the additional meds that we had success.... I am holding everything crossed for you!

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  11. Hello! I've just started reading Christy's blog recently and also live in the Seattle area! I just wanted to write and encourage you both to not give up. I know how tough this journey is, trust me. I've had three miscarriages, 5 failed cycles with clomid/femara, 3 failed IUIs, and 1 failed IVF cycle. I'm now finally pregnant with our 2nd IVF cycle, albeit it's still early (almost 11 weeks).

    Needless to say, it was NOT easy on our marriage. My husband actually wanted to give up after our first failed IVF cycle. According to him, "Don't you see it's not going to happen for us?!" That was very painful to hear. However, I wasn't ready to give up hope. My husband is very sensitive, so it was hard for him to say yes to all the heartaches that come with another cycle. I am so grateful he did though, otherwise, we wouldn't have our little firecracker. Of course at any point it could go south, but for now, I am just happy to have him or her with us.

    Christy is lucky to have you. You are lucky to have her. No matter what happens, you will still have each other. Don't let infertility rob you of that. Someway, somehow you will have your little family someday. :-) Sending good thoughts your way and hoping this is the cycle!

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  12. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this upcoming FET in light of all you've already been through. We are all here for you two, hoping for a happy and healthy baby at the end of this long, hard road.

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  13. Your words seem to echo my own husband's. He is happy when I am happy. So often we are both sad, feeling partially empty. Kid-sized holes in our heart - exactly.

    Hang in there - having faith that this is going to work for you guys once and for all!

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