Confronting anger

Well, it’s been a month. A month without writing; a month away from this community. A month to focus instead on real life and all the chaos that comes with it. In truth, there have been some good things about taking time away; a step back. But there has been a downside of not writing and processing all that passes through my head. Someone once told me that time heals all wounds. In truth, this method does work. For some cases, it only exacerbates the situation.

The past month, has been a trying one, with both Grey and I surrounded by people who have either caused us harm or tried to take advantage of us. I've dealt with selfish beasts who have not only damaged my car when they were suppose to be repairing it but then drug their feet in fixing the issue. They then proceeded to become pissed when insurance had to be brought in once again to remedy the issue, claiming that the necessary body work was over-priced and unfounded. Thankfully, the issue was resolved, but not without me having to pull a trump card I swore I would never pull and accusing one of them of trying to harm my unborn children.

We also directly confronted mouth-breathers who had previously patronized Grey and me, assuring us they knew how to do various forms on construction. These all-knowing individuals are now responsible for a roof leaking that has caused damage through 2 floors of our condo building and has resulted in so much structural damage that the association now has grounds to pursue legal action in order to pay the bills. These same individuals have passed around blame, maintaing their innocence and accusing Grey and me of being bullies as we've asked for repairs to be completed. To date, we've been forced to vacate over half our home and we came close to spending a few nights in a motel (which we would have had to pay for) because of chemical treatments that needed to be applied to eradicate mold. 

And then there have been the “professional” idiots who are also OB/GYNs, who clearly are overwhelmed by an IVF twin pregnancy with a mother who has been diagnosed with APA syndrome, but who continue to insist that they completely have this situation under control. These same doctors have told me during a phone consultation where I was concerned about 3 days of cramping that there was a 50% chance I was miscarrying and then proceeded to become offended when I pointed out following an ultrasound that they had scared me needlessly. Thank the Universe for Mo for talking me out of my hysteria.

To top all of this off came the news that I may be unemployed starting in July. Due to the sequester, granting agencies have been forced to scale back on the amount of funding that is being awarded to young investigators and towards fellowships for aspiring scientists. To date, of the 5 agencies I've applied to for funding, one has said "no" because I was too far out from graduation and the other simply because of the proposal. Sure, there's still three opportunities that we're waiting on, but the rejections have made it all the more clear that I may be SOL. Add in the fact that my current institution informed me that I'm not on the teaching schedule for the upcoming 2013-2014 academic year because they assumed that I would be in Boston regardless, and I find myself potentially jobless for the first time since I was 14 yrs. old.

Needless to say, Saturday was a hard day. During a moment where I felt completely encroached upon by one of the contractors who doesn't respect boundaries, I succumb to tears and the panic that followed. It was not a pretty sight.

The truth is, despite finally finding myself pregnant and the babies being healthy, I'm terrified of the future. Grey and I are currently getting zero help with any of these situations and we're finding it hard to find balance when it seems like so many are trying to take advantage of us. In addition, we're learning that asking for help is more often than not met with a shrug or a blank stare. And I'm learning once again that what does get people moving is to put the pleading aside and to order people into action, a response that is frustrating to execute on so many levels.

All of this has had me reflecting back on the events from a month ago. How everything got so hot so fast and out of control. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I'm not revisiting my fuck-up. I own that one and the harm I caused in a moment of panic and fear. But I do feel that I need to say my piece about the nastiness that went around. The hatred and evil comments that were directed at well-respected bloggers who have done nothing but reached out to others and offer support.

Mo's last post on Saturday caught me by surprise. I knew she had been feeling disconnected for awhile and was hurting from all the negative backlash. But to see it in writing that she was closing up shop and exiting the community during a time that would crush any human being made me question the human condition. As children, we hear about following the "Golden rule" and about how important it is to love one another. Thankfully, with those I follow, I see that more times then not. But when I don't, it always makes me wonder about why these people live. What's the point of living when your life is about living to attack?

I know with this post, I'm opening myself up to so much criticism and potential pity. None of which I want or feel I deserve. The truth is, though, as a 12 week pregnant woman who is carrying twins, I know there are many that see me as no longer being relevant. That somehow being lucky enough to have the right combination of medications, oversight and knowledgable doctors as well as just having the stars align and now being in this state, I've somehow had the past 3 years of grief, failure and blood that it took to get here magically disappear. That somehow I now longer get it, that my ALI membership card is now revoked and I am the enemy. 

But here's another truth I've also learned: anyone can be more than their infertility/losses. It may mean confronting a number of ugly truths that exist about our species and confronting the fact that we will ultimately be the source of our own destruction, but it also means that one must confront their anger and frustration and put their faith in those who will work towards a better tomorrow.

So, that's what I'm doing. I'm not turning a blind eye to the hatred and betrayal I've witnessed first hand. But I am also working hard to confront my anger with all of this and make conscious decisions to work towards something better. Part of this will still require me to humble myself in certain moments, but I also will no longer make apologies to people who actively abuse and bully me or anyone I love. At the minimum, I owe that much to my children.