Monday, March 11, 2013

Confronting anger

Well, it’s been a month. A month without writing; a month away from this community. A month to focus instead on real life and all the chaos that comes with it. In truth, there have been some good things about taking time away; a step back. But there has been a downside of not writing and processing all that passes through my head. Someone once told me that time heals all wounds. In truth, this method does work. For some cases, it only exacerbates the situation.

The past month, has been a trying one, with both Grey and I surrounded by people who have either caused us harm or tried to take advantage of us. I've dealt with selfish beasts who have not only damaged my car when they were suppose to be repairing it but then drug their feet in fixing the issue. They then proceeded to become pissed when insurance had to be brought in once again to remedy the issue, claiming that the necessary body work was over-priced and unfounded. Thankfully, the issue was resolved, but not without me having to pull a trump card I swore I would never pull and accusing one of them of trying to harm my unborn children.

We also directly confronted mouth-breathers who had previously patronized Grey and me, assuring us they knew how to do various forms on construction. These all-knowing individuals are now responsible for a roof leaking that has caused damage through 2 floors of our condo building and has resulted in so much structural damage that the association now has grounds to pursue legal action in order to pay the bills. These same individuals have passed around blame, maintaing their innocence and accusing Grey and me of being bullies as we've asked for repairs to be completed. To date, we've been forced to vacate over half our home and we came close to spending a few nights in a motel (which we would have had to pay for) because of chemical treatments that needed to be applied to eradicate mold. 

And then there have been the “professional” idiots who are also OB/GYNs, who clearly are overwhelmed by an IVF twin pregnancy with a mother who has been diagnosed with APA syndrome, but who continue to insist that they completely have this situation under control. These same doctors have told me during a phone consultation where I was concerned about 3 days of cramping that there was a 50% chance I was miscarrying and then proceeded to become offended when I pointed out following an ultrasound that they had scared me needlessly. Thank the Universe for Mo for talking me out of my hysteria.

To top all of this off came the news that I may be unemployed starting in July. Due to the sequester, granting agencies have been forced to scale back on the amount of funding that is being awarded to young investigators and towards fellowships for aspiring scientists. To date, of the 5 agencies I've applied to for funding, one has said "no" because I was too far out from graduation and the other simply because of the proposal. Sure, there's still three opportunities that we're waiting on, but the rejections have made it all the more clear that I may be SOL. Add in the fact that my current institution informed me that I'm not on the teaching schedule for the upcoming 2013-2014 academic year because they assumed that I would be in Boston regardless, and I find myself potentially jobless for the first time since I was 14 yrs. old.

Needless to say, Saturday was a hard day. During a moment where I felt completely encroached upon by one of the contractors who doesn't respect boundaries, I succumb to tears and the panic that followed. It was not a pretty sight.

The truth is, despite finally finding myself pregnant and the babies being healthy, I'm terrified of the future. Grey and I are currently getting zero help with any of these situations and we're finding it hard to find balance when it seems like so many are trying to take advantage of us. In addition, we're learning that asking for help is more often than not met with a shrug or a blank stare. And I'm learning once again that what does get people moving is to put the pleading aside and to order people into action, a response that is frustrating to execute on so many levels.

All of this has had me reflecting back on the events from a month ago. How everything got so hot so fast and out of control. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I'm not revisiting my fuck-up. I own that one and the harm I caused in a moment of panic and fear. But I do feel that I need to say my piece about the nastiness that went around. The hatred and evil comments that were directed at well-respected bloggers who have done nothing but reached out to others and offer support.

Mo's last post on Saturday caught me by surprise. I knew she had been feeling disconnected for awhile and was hurting from all the negative backlash. But to see it in writing that she was closing up shop and exiting the community during a time that would crush any human being made me question the human condition. As children, we hear about following the "Golden rule" and about how important it is to love one another. Thankfully, with those I follow, I see that more times then not. But when I don't, it always makes me wonder about why these people live. What's the point of living when your life is about living to attack?

I know with this post, I'm opening myself up to so much criticism and potential pity. None of which I want or feel I deserve. The truth is, though, as a 12 week pregnant woman who is carrying twins, I know there are many that see me as no longer being relevant. That somehow being lucky enough to have the right combination of medications, oversight and knowledgable doctors as well as just having the stars align and now being in this state, I've somehow had the past 3 years of grief, failure and blood that it took to get here magically disappear. That somehow I now longer get it, that my ALI membership card is now revoked and I am the enemy. 

But here's another truth I've also learned: anyone can be more than their infertility/losses. It may mean confronting a number of ugly truths that exist about our species and confronting the fact that we will ultimately be the source of our own destruction, but it also means that one must confront their anger and frustration and put their faith in those who will work towards a better tomorrow.

So, that's what I'm doing. I'm not turning a blind eye to the hatred and betrayal I've witnessed first hand. But I am also working hard to confront my anger with all of this and make conscious decisions to work towards something better. Part of this will still require me to humble myself in certain moments, but I also will no longer make apologies to people who actively abuse and bully me or anyone I love. At the minimum, I owe that much to my children.


  1. Amen sister. You are such an inspiration and I know those little ones will have such an amazing household to be brought up into. I was so happy to see you and Grey the other day - even for a short while. It's so wonderful to have someone to talk to in person who truly gets it all. You are a great friend and deserve to be at peace with this pregnancy and in this community. Please don't let the few negative trolls and bloggers mess with all you have accomplished and continue to work for.

  2. A very powerful post. Just sending a hug while you breathe in and out.

  3. "...but I also will no longer make apologies to people who actively abuse and bully me or anyone I love."

    Hear, hear!

    It's good to see you back. Don't let any of the bastards get you down.

  4. I just wanted to say - TWINS?! OMG! THAT IS AWESOME! AS for the rest of the post - you can only do what's right for YOU and your babies! The infertility blogging world LOVES you (at least I know I do and I can only speak for myself...) but I wish you love and peace within yourself and for your babies as well!

  5. I was just about to send you an email and see how things have been. You've had quite the month! I hope that you are able to let go of some of your anger, because sometimes, even when others are in the wrong, it's just too much energy to spend. You need to take care of yourself and your family first.

    I'll keep my fingers crossed that one of your funding applications is granted soon. That must be so stressful!

    Hang in there. (And, yes, you ARE still relevant.)

  6. I'm still fairly new to this community (well, to the blogging aspect of it anyway), so although I don't know what went down, I think you have every reason to focus on you and those sweet babes of yours now if you need to. I for one will be following whenever you feel ready to update us. Wishing you peace and thinking of you.

  7. Amen! And I for one could never stand the 'babydustrainbowbaby' crap. ;) I'm a grown woman, I have sex not baby dancing, and I've never had an 'Aunt Flo'.

    Getting pregnant is hard. Being pregnant after being infertile is even harder. And being a parent is harder still. What a lot of people in the ALI community don't understand YET is that trying to get pregnant is just the beginning. It isn't right that people in this community keep turning on their own. I wish that Mo hadn't closed her doors, I hope that no one gives you a load of flak. You are relevant :)

    1. LOL to the Baby dancing and Aunt Flo. When I first started trying to create my family I was not getting these abbreviations of BD and it has become burned into my brain as the polite way to say I'm getting sex and have my period. Sheesh what we do to fit in.

  8. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you are suppose to, putting your health and babies #1. I love this post though, as I always love your honesty and inspiration. I know that you have gotten me through some pretty dark days with your kind words.

  9. Welcome back. It makes me sad to hear that you and other devoted members of the IF community are being made to feel this way. Pregnancy is supposed to be the goal that we are all trying (or were trying) to reach. Once we get there, that should be celebrated and looked to for inspiration, not pushed aside and made to feel irrelevant. I imagine many people would say that since I have two healthy children and have "only" suffered one (early) loss, I'm not truly infertile, or not "infertile-enough" to consider myself a part of this world, but I disagree. I fought infertility for 19 months with my second. You have struggled for a long time and been through so much, you shouldn't be made to feel this way.

    I hope you stay. And I hope that people can either be supportive or be quiet.

  10. Oh, I'm so happy you're sticking around! Less happy to hear about all this horrible crap you've been dealing with, but hope things start turning around for you and Grey in the near future. It's kind of crazy for me to hear about all the negativity that's swirling around -- I believe it's there (because it's there in EVERY online community), but I haven't encountered it so far. There are SO MANY amazing women in the ALI world I'm more often than not blown away by the support that comes my way from women who don't even know me. Anyway, there will always be trolls and crazy people, but I vote for just deleting that crap and moving on. :)

  11. I'm so sorry to hear that there's been such crap thrown at you lately - virtually and in real life. I hate that these negative commenters would take up so much of everyone's mental energy and take away from what is otherwise such a supportive and lovely community. I'm wishing you guys such good things and hope that everything starts to settle down for you on the home, car, job, blog front. So much to be dealing with at once... and all during a twin pregnancy which I can say from experience is no joke! take care of yourself.

  12. I can't figure out most folks. Do they have nothing better to do than to tear into a person that is having a good day finally in a string of years of bad days? Makes me angry, blood boil, fume if you will to know that someone is causing trouble just because they are unhappy with their own life. A twin pregnancy by itself is difficult but you are facing more than a normal pregnancy and should be given special treatment.

  13. Glad to have you back too! I want to keep hearing from you. Despite what "they" say, you are still relevant. I am sorry it has been such a season of crap (mixed with the blessings). I really, really hope things turn a corner and you can enter into the rest of your pregnancy with excitement!

  14. Glad to have you back! I'm sorry that this month has been so hard- have you thought about finding another OB/GYN?

    Yes you are pregnant, but you are still very relevant. Please know that there are a large number of us that look forward to your posts, whatever you have to say. I'm in the mindset that if an IF blogger gets pregnant, that's a win for the whole community because that gives me hope that I too will have that outcome some day.

    Sorry to hear about the's going to affect a whole lot of people and almost everyone in the country is ignoring it. Ridonkulous.

  15. You are still relevant, very much so. I'm so sorry for all the struggles going on around you at the moment, that is a lot to deal with at once. You need to take care of yourself, Grey and the babies as best as you can. To be pregnant after IF and loss must be such a challenge emotionally. I hope you can feel the support and love from so many of us still. And write when you feel like it, there's no pressure of regular updates either, just saying.

  16. I think it is only natural for those still in the trenches (at the height of that bitterness that eventually hits us all in dealing with infertility) to hit a point where they have to disconnect themselves from bloggers who get the happy ending. We have all been there, and done that, and it makes sense to me. What DOESN'T make sense to me, is using that bitterness as an excuse to lash out at and try to hurt those who have been there, simply because they have achieved the goal you too are fighting for.

    The conclusion I have come to, is that there are nasty and pathetic people in every walk of life - including within this community. But do not ever let any of them ever make you feel as though you are not relevant. You are. You matter. You have fought and cried and ached and tried. You have failed and failed and failed, only now to finally succeed. That success does not wipe out the battle you had to wage in getting here.

    You are relevant. You matter. And your voice is so very needed within this community.

  17. I am late to the party, but I am glad to see you back blogging again. I agree with SIF, your voice is important & much needed in this community. And sometimes it just feels good to vent.

    Glad the Sugar Beats are hanging in there too. :)


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