Humour

No poem or quote for this one. Nothing seemed quite right.

Jaxson and Daisy have been part of our family for almost 13 yrs. Jaxson was adopted first when he was 3 months old. The lone kitten that no other family wanted at the adopt-a-thon  as he spent most of it lying in his crate and who was slated to be transferred to a different foster home as all his siblings had been adopted out. We learned quickly how much he loathes being crated and how special he truly is. Cross the persona of your average football player with Barney combined with a dark sense of humor. Grey claims the mold was thoroughly smashed into a gazillion pieces the day he came into the world. After all the years of shenanigans, back stories, close-calls and crazy moments, it's hard not to agree. Daisy came a year later, immediately upon our return from our honeymoon. She solidified her place in our family after spending a week kicking the shit out of Jaxson, landing herself on valium to overcome the PSTD she had experienced based on her time at the animal shelter. Jaxson laid on her while she was on valium, too zoned out to do much else than accept that he was there. And they've been inseparable ever since.

The love I have for both these animals goes deeper than I have for many humans. I remember once someone lecturing me for using the term "furbaby" as they were quite convinced that no animal could ever be on the same level for love as a human, especially a child. And yet, after all we've gone through, all the heartache, pain and journey that lead to the Beats, I can still attest that my love for them is not less than that I feel for any other member of this family. They've been my rocks in some dark hours, loving me in ways so many failed to do.

The weekend was a warm and sunny one. In addition to running the Beats, I've been spending some time with Jaxson and Daisy on the deck. Allowing them to time to be outside, to sun and be part of nature. It was nice to see them both so happy.

So with that happiness in mind, what I discovered this morning absolutely rocked me. Jaxson's been putting on more weight recently. A sign that something is off. Today while on his cat tree, I noticed he was drooling more than usual, so I decided to check his teeth.

In 2008, Jaxson had both his front canine teeth extracted. The vets discovered the roots were completely rotted out, meaning he had been living in pain. The only clue that something was off was that his weight was high (he peaked at 23 lbs). Two weeks after the extraction, he dropped down to 20 lbs and 4 months later he was a slim 14 lb cat. The vet was absolutely blown away by the change. So teeth have been on my mind.

What I found was a large plaque of tartar on one of Jaxson's back teeth, with very inflamed gums. Something that developed within the last 6 months (his teeth were okay when the vet checked him in Seattle prior to the move). Pulling away as I opened his lips, I knew he wasn't feeling well.

It's humorous, really. Just as one crisis ends, another one hits our family. I need to call around tomorrow to find a vet that will also do dentistry. But Grey and I also had a long talk about how far we were willing to go with this. That we can't have him living in pain solely for our benefit or to hold-off with saying goodbye.

Tonight I've been loving Jaxson. Petting my sweet boy and promising him we'll make sure he's okay somehow. Here's hoping it involves nothing more than a cleaning.

Wish and Birth

A Prayer in Spring ~ Robert Frost
Oh, give us pleasure in the flowers to-day;
And give us not to think so far away.
As the uncertain harvest, keep us here.
All simply things in the springing of the year.

Oh give us pleasure in the orchard white,
Like nothing else by day, like ghost by night;
And makes us happy in the happy bees,

The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.

And make us happy in the darting bird
That suddenly above the bees is heard,
That meteor that thrust in with needle bill,
And off a blossom in mid air stands still.

For this is love and nothing else is love,

That which is reserved for God above
To the sanctity to what far ends He will,
But which only needs what we fulfill.

Spring is coming. The warm weather is intoxicating and everyone is making a point to be outside. Today the Grey and I took the Beats to the park to run around, watch the turtles sun themselves and greet the ducks. As we ran them, we stopped to point out the flowers and buds that were emerging. Seeing their excitement was a definite highlight.

The world seems to be undergoing a period of rebirth.

Years ago, I dreamed of having a garden of my own. One with a variety of plants. The problem is that even though I have a love of plants, my terrible impatience makes me terrible with maintaining a garden that I would dream of.

A few years ago I modified my dream, wishing also for someone who had this patience and planning to create something beautiful.

The first day we moved into our currently apartment, I saw Martha's garden. Even in its winter sleep it's beautiful. And I'm hoping that as the weather warms, I can beg a little bit of space to start a small vegetable garden for the Beats. If not, we'll plan for a container garden to compliment Martha's.

Maybe my wish will come true.

Glow

"I wish I were a glow worm,
a glow worm's never glum.
'Cuz how can you be grumpy,
when the sun shines out your bum?"

~Author unknown

It always amazes me that bad days are allowed to fall on sunny days. Yesterday was a beautiful day, but it felt like the world melting emotionally around me. So it seems fitting that the bad day was followed by a rainy day.

There's been lots of moments where light glowed through the rain. Seeing the freshmen run around campus following selection of housing arrangements for next year (and me almost getting run over by one of them dressed as a moose that resulted in me laughing hysterically). Watching our lab undergrads finish their senior theses and celebrating this milestone.

And then there's the turkey.

The final glow came tonight while putting down the Beats, turning on a Turtle light I acquired years ago that they've claimed as their nightlight. A glow that cuts through the darkness of this rainy night.

We live in a strange, crazy world. And yet, it's that craziness and uniqueness that glows like a beacon during those dark moments. Following the day I had yesterday, I'm grateful for that reminder.

Shadows and Light

"My soul is full of whispered song;

My blindness is my sight;

The shadows that I feared so long

are all alive with light."

~ Alice Cary

It's been a rough day. Lab meeting followed by setting up another big experiment combined with me accidentally flooding the growth chamber (and now having to fight to remove clogs from the drains in the floor). Add in the fact the Beats were up at 4:30 am playing together in bed instead of sleeping (and we push transitioning to toddler beds because???) and the heartbreaking news from our old neighborhood today (our hearts are with those business owners who we love so dear and the firefighters injured) and I'm done.

To help stave off some of the anxiety from this week, yesterday I took a detour through the museum. For a long time, I've forgotten why I loved science and decided to pursue a career. My first time in the museum helped it all come back, with the wonder of life all on display. Now, in those moments when things seem unclear, I wander through the displays taking in the exhibits that have become familiar.

Intention

"Live with intention. Walk to the edge. 

Listen Hard. Practice wellness. 

Play with abandon. Laugh. 

Choose with no regret. 

Lead or follow a leader. 

Continue to learn. Appreciate your friends. 

Do what you love.

Live as if this is all there is."

~ Mary Anne Radmacher

At the end of January, I took the plunge and enrolled in a self-paced computer science course. Scary territory for someone who shuns video games and considers herself a non-rapid adopter. 

I expected to hate it. A course filled with jargon and involving hours of staring at a complier to typing in words and characters with abstract meaning.

Instead I was shocked (and Grey has been all so delighted as this has validated any past and future video game playing) to find myself enjoying the puzzles and logical thinking. The problems and ways of viewing the world.

Or at least I'm enjoying it when I'm not completely lost as to how to complete the lesson and banging my head against the wall.

I'm at the stage of head-banging. I've just finished watching the week's lectures and am about to dive into another problem set. Feeling completely stupid and overwhelmed by new terminology (int main (char argc argv[]); anyone?). I know I need to still do the reading, go through the walk-throughs/short and write out pseudo-code. I also need to lurk on the discussion boards to find suggestions and potential help. Still, I hate this stage of doubt even though I know it's during this period that I'm learning the most.

So I'm practicing mindfulness today combined with some self-compassion. All wrapped up with firm intentions of completing this next lesson.  

#MicroblogMondays: Sunrise

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

This past weekend was one filled with anticipation. Grey starts his new position today, leaving him filled with excitement and anxiety for all the good that can come. The Beats are back at their daycare today, though we've found another good daycare for them within 5 mins of Grey's work. I submitted the application last night and we are excited to start within a month. In addition, Martha is leaving today for a trip to Antarctica to photograph Humpback whales. She's been preparing for this trip over the last few months, so we wishing her bon voyage today, complete with some Humpback Whale Bingo boards for capturing various images. 

Our house has been abuzz with adventure and newness.

Despite this, I've been down. The stress of the past few months has finally caught up with me, making me realize that there is still much healing to do. In addition, I heard from a very good friend who is also an infertility survivor that she and her husband have separated. My heart is heavy from this news as divorce is traumatic enough, but following a trauma like infertility just makes it all the worse. She doesn't deserve any of this.

On Saturday, while reflecting on all of this, I decided to start a photo project to help with healing and processing. A lead up to Easter and, hence, as different take on Lent (I'm a recovering Catholic), with the focus being on reflection and meditation. For anyone interested, here's my list:

Sunrise

Intention

Shadows + Light

Glow

Wish

Music

Birth

Humour

Dream

Willingness

Patience

Risk

Forgiveness/Humility

Sacred

Heal

Self

Reflection

Sunset

"Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." ~ Buddha

A new beginning

Last July, after months of job searching and angst, Grey called me to tell me he had been offered a position at the company that laid him off recently. He's wasn't terribly enthused about this option, but given we were on a time crunch and he was struggling to get companies to even consider him as we lived on the opposite coast, it seemed like the best we could do. I remember thinking that we just needed to get him there and everything would be okay. That he would adjust.

What followed was 5 terrible months where he slowly sank into a deep depression. The job was more than a bad fit. It was toxic.

Within the last couple of weeks, this company has been laying off other employees. Despite continual speeches about how amazing their management team is, it's clear they are actually the opposite. And with which new layoff comes a connection with Grey, them reaching out to commiserate and to support one another.

In addition to this, Grey has been transforming back into his normal self. Slowly healing from all the damage done by this toxic environment cultivated by a select few. And as his confidence has returned, so has his excitement about science and getting back to the bench. He's been enthusiastically reaching out to various companies and digging into them to find potential opportunities. The response has been positive and encouraging. It's been good so see him excited again.

Last Friday, 2 weeks after being laid off, Grey had a formal interview. This company is smaller and not as prestigious, but they are doing some cool things and developing great technology. Most importantly, the environment is what Grey has been looking for. Following the interview, they told him they would be in touch, sending him benefits information to look over. Though not what he would consider his dream job, there's so much potential in this position with the opportunity for him to collaborate and build to said dream job.

Yesterday afternoon, Grey was offered the position. The last 12 hrs have involved me taking a massive step back and emphasizing that this decision needs to be one where he is considering his happiness and ability to fit. Because despite all my anxiety about him being out of work, I can't go through another period like the last one. So he weighed his options and put together a plan of attack.

Today, exactly 2 weeks and 6 days since getting the news he was being let go, Grey accepted a new job. He's happier than I've seen him in a long time. The divorce with the other company is finalized too. He's officially free and a new chapter begins.

The trick now is moving beyond what happened. To continue supporting him as he begins this new adventure. To embrace the positive that has come while also learning from the negative. I'm beyond grateful to everyone who supported us during this period, offering advice, connections and help. But there's still some residual anger toward this ex-employer and all they put us through. The lies they told and the games they played. I know that the best revenge is to live and live well, so that's what we're choosing to do. Still, part of me also hopes that the behavior and greed of this stellar management team will be their own undoing.

For today, though, things are once again right in the world.