Stupid

A few nights ago, following a day of teaching, I sat down and watched "Becoming." Like many, I devoured Michelle Obama's memoir and wished I had had access to her wisdom and insight while in Boston. What stood out for me, though, was a moment where Michelle talked about going to Princeton and being thrown into the "elite" world. Particularly the point she makes about how they aren't actually any smarter than the rest of us.

I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few years during my time and then exit from the Ivy League university I worked at. I remember a particular class where the topic was on the genetics of intelligence, with all the students completely engaged as the professor spent the lecture period walking through all the research trying to determine if there's a heritable link. The answer, which disappointed them all was "it's unclear, but likely no." It's far to complex, with environment and access playing far more of a role, which is something everyone there was visibly uncomfortable with. And yet its a truth I can attest to both after working with students from all walks of life. And the pandemic has shined a glaring spotlight on it.

Grey and I are both products of the U.S. public education system, starting from kindergarten and ending with PhDs. Additionally, since undergrad, we've both lived in city environments, usually sharing walls with people who live on the poverty line. There's a lot of good that comes from public education, giving access to those who would otherwise not have it. But there's also a clear divide in quality when private options are readily available. A little over a year ago, our environment changed when I started my current position and we moved out to the suburbs to be close to work. A consequence of this move was we ended up in one of the better school districts in California, with active PTAs that make sure the schools have access to funding so that the kids can thrive. Similar to what Grey and I grew up in, private schooling isn't a readily available option here,  which results in the benefit of everyone having to swim in the same waters and, hence, people either invest or move due to the pressure for not investing.

Since the shelter-in-place orders, this advantage has become glaring, especially as we talk with Moon and Lucus about what their experiences are with distance learning on their region of the Bay Area and how much more structure Maddy and Teddy are getting. Within a week of lockdown, the district provided both kids with laptops, the teachers have been mastering Google Classroom (and giving me ideas as I set up my own form of virtual learning), with a weekly updated schedule and daily assignments that have allowed both kids to continue their schooling without burning them out on from video conference. But most impressive has been how the community has rallied around the teachers and staff, making it clear that all their hard work is beyond appreciated and supported. Teacher Appreciation Week has always been mandated in this district, but students and parents were actively encouraged to go all out, fueling the engine that is getting us through this period. I've been blown away by all of this because I know that if we were still living in our previous environments this wouldn't be happening. That the teachers would be figuring all of this out without support from the community and many parents wouldn't be able to be as invested in distance learning. It's been so shocking to see how the gaps, though there, are being minimized. It's that minimization that I want others to see so we can mandate it globally.

There's still a myth that persists in our culture that being "smart" is a fixed trait; you're either born that way or you aren't. With this assumption comes the idea that those who are "smart" should be the ones we invest in. That poverty is something people living in it deserve and those in power are superior because they have the brains. But the reality is intelligence is very malleable and what is holding most people back is access and opportunity. And the gatekeepers have very fixed ideas about who is worthy to that access, aiding to maintaining this myth. One "blessing" of this pandemic is the glaring light we have on how utterly stupid most of those in power are. Yes, we have hard, messy problems that aren't going to be resolved overnight, but one thing we can no longer ignore is that. Another blessing is those that normally can afford support and resources giving their children access are suddenly tasting lives without those safety nets. The ability to work remotely during this pandemic is a privilege, allowing many to be able to continue supporting their families that those at the poverty line don't have, but the lack of childcare and help is something most in positions of privilege don't consider. Frankly, the only ones who aren't struggling with this are completely disconnected with the 99% and it shows.

Like Michelle Obama, I've finally found the courage to start speaking out about the myth of deserving and those in positions of power being inherently "smarter." It's a myth that needs to be shattered and my hope is that this pandemic is thoroughly doing that. This now means that we have a moral obligation to do better and make sure everyone has access, not just those who can throw money at the gatekeepers. If we want to preserve the future, we need to fund it. If we want to see the end of the poverty cycle, we need to build support systems so people can permanently exit. If we want smart leadership, we need to stop promoting those who can buy access. We need reform throughout.

It's not going to be easy. Frankly, anything worth doing rarely is. And so many will resist because they have spent a lifetime in the previous mindset. But looking at the world around me, seeing the quiet and safe neighborhood that just over a year ago seemed inaccessible, I'm driven to see this change for so many.

It's stupid not to.

Rabbit hole

About 2 months ago, just before shelter-in-place orders were issued across the Bay Area, my manager went on maternity leave. Prior to her leaving, she constructed a plan for me, with goals that she wanted me to reach while she was out and some opportunities for career growth. Looking back on that plan, I can honestly say I wasn't excited about it. I had been pushing for opportunities to gain experience with virtual learning but didn't feel supported to explore this avenue. It was clear it wasn't a priority for her to have me focus on this, which I struggled with.

As of today, I have about a month-and-a-half before my manager returns from maternity leave. Over most of that time she's been out, the world has been turned on its head and all the priority items that were on my to-do list have either been canceled or tossed out the window. In place of that, I'm currently living and breathing the virtual learning space, developing or converting content, structuring asynchronous learning with synchronous and training across the globe.

I'm exhausted from the hours of work, thriving in developing this new path, and making all sorts of new connections with others in my company who have the same goals towards helping us adapt and excel in the post-COVID world.

And I'm terrified of my manager returning to witness what I've been doing.

I don't talk much about the impact not having my contracts renewed at 2 different positions had on me. Logically I can see how dysfunctional both those positions were, given the poverty-level pay, the insane hours, and the lack of opportunity to grow. Yet I struggle with being let go and how poorly my supervisors treated me in hopes that I would outright quit. It's because of these experiences that I've found myself falling back into a pattern of pleasing to a fault. It's something I've been doing with my current manager, even though her reviews have been positive and it's clear I've been meeting the goals set for me.

These next few weeks I have a number of deliverables, with so many watching to see: four separate courses across multiple time zones, developing new content, and most recently a new collaboration with the goal of broadening training to benefit the whole company. It's honestly insanely exciting to be a part of this and it's what I've been looking for many years. Yet in the quiet hours, I'm worried that I'll be facing unemployment again when my manager returns. That she'll see what's been happening and become insanely angry/threatened even though what I'm doing now was asked of me.
A weird rabbit hole of fear based on the trauma of failure inflicted by abusive past managers.

Today, I'm trying to focus on what I need to do to get through the next few weeks and meet my deadlines. Because the rabbit hole of fear is one I need to avoid both for my sanity and in order to grow.

Emerge

Two weeks ago, Grey and I had a telehealth visit with the Developmental Medicine practitioner to formally Maddy's and Teddy's ADHD diagnosis. There are many out there who have been critical of me pushing for evaluations and intervention, assuming that I'm solely looking for an excuse to medicate them (I'm not) or that I'm being a helicopter parent. But without any hesitation, the diagnoses were applied, allowing me to communicate with Maddy's and Teddy's teachers to solidify plans to help both give both these kids the tools they need to be successful and happy in life. Something that's been on my mind a lot lately as I reflect on my own life.

Last summer, after months of searching, I received a diagnosis of ADHD and began a treatment plan of my own. The process to get to this point was years in the making, with me assuming for so long that my inability to focus for long periods was a character flaw. Being in academia for close to two decades only intensified these feelings as I watched others around me excel and be elevated with me assuming again that it was due to me being unworthy. The damage to my self-worth is something I've only begun to repair, with me still being prone to pleasing others to a fault.

What changed my mindset and forced me to seek help was watching Maddy and Teddy struggle and hearing the same rhetoric being applied to them. For the first time, though, I began to critically evaluate who was casting this judgment and see how broken the strongest critics were. Suddenly, as I was challenging these criticisms, I found myself questioning my own critics. And having a shift in mindset about how we thinking about learning disabilities.

Why I speak about this now is that I was told today that my ADHD has been a benefit as I've been adapting training to the online world. While others struggle to keep people's attention, I've been crafting videos that are short, succinct, and outline clear goals from the beginning. Where all of this comes from is my own understanding of what keeps my attention and focusing on what needs to be communicated. Apparently, an understanding that isn't common, making my ADHD a superpower in this post-COVID-19 world. A thought I've been hearing more and more with virtual learning.

Since the meeting, Grey and I have started to see how the new tools we've been given have been helping Maddy and Teddy. With the support of their teachers, both kids have been doing well academically and socially, providing another layer to the foundation we've been working on. But another outcome of that meeting has been me tearing down out of my rotten foundation and embracing this aspect of myself that once I found shameful. Because this new world is teaching me that those who previously silenced are at a loss for how to build a road forward. And though that reality is glaringly scary, it also presents an opportunity for those who were silenced and shamed to emerge for the better.

#MicroblogMondays: After

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Yesterday snuck up on me. Most years, I spend Mother's Day in a quiet funk due to remembering my miscarriages and the fact that I'm estranged from my mother. Instead, due to being extremely busy, I started my Sunday the way I normally do before Maddy ordered me back to bed so she and Teddy could bring me coffee. The rest of the day spent quietly, but not with the usual melancholy.

Give this odd change in my outlook, combined with observing that Grey's older sister was having a very hard day due to a pending divorce and thinking about all that has been happening in our world, I've been thinking a lot about afters. There's so much out there about the pain caused by this current pandemic and how much people are struggling.

But what isn't being talked about is the growth coming from all this change. The emergence of urgency to no longer ignore some problems and the push-back that is happening with those that are attempting to return to the previous normal. All combined with the shifts so many are making in their daily lives.

Pain is an amazing teacher. My years of infertility and loss taught me how motivating it can be. But equally important is recognizing that pain has to be moderated, as too much can stifle growth. The issue is determining how much is too much vs. what is actually required. Something that is tricky to figure out at the moment and usually only assessed best in the after.

The Great Pause

About a month ago, Grey's older sister sent me a piece from Medium about preparing for the post-COVID-19 world. Titled "Prepare for the Ultimate Gaslighting," her attraction to it stemmed from how people try to push for a return to normal after traumatic events, even though doing so means pretending that the trauma never happened. It's a good piece, and I recommend it as well as Part 2, as it offers good insight into how those in power push to remain there.

But what stuck with me was the evidence of change the author focused on due to this pandemic.
"What the trauma has shown us, though, cannot be unseen. A carless Los Angeles has clear blue skies as pollution has simply stopped. In a quiet New York, you can hear the birds chirp in the middle of Madison Avenue. Coyotes have been spotted on the Golden Gate Bridge. These are the postcard images of what the world might be like if we could find a way to have a less deadly daily effect on the planet. What’s not fit for a postcard are the other scenes we have witnessed: a health care system that cannot provide basic protective equipment for its frontline; small businesses — and very large ones — that do not have enough cash to pay their rent or workers, sending over 16 million people to seek unemployment benefits; a government that has so severely damaged the credibility of our media that 300 million people don’t know who to listen to for basic facts that can save their lives."

For the past 2 months, I've been submerged in the science of this pandemic. When not focusing on homeschooling Maddy and Teddy, I've been absorbing all the scientific community has been communicating about COVID-19 and learning how sick we are as a global community. As of now, based on limited testing, we know of ~3.9 million confirmed cases globally with well over 250,000 confirmed fatalities (the Financial Times has a good tool). The mortality rate is around 0.5-1%, but we still don't know of those who are infected are most at risk. Sadly, we also now know that there's a strong correlation between being put on a ventilator and dying. What is emerging though is a link between a compromised immune system and mortality, as those who are dying aren't mounting an appropriate immune response, but the mechanism for how and targets for treatment is still something we're working on understanding.

In the brief moments that I'm able to surface above all of this, I've been marveling at what's happening around me. There's no doubt that social distancing has been hard on people, as I see so many struggling with the drastic change to this new normal. But what I also see is the good that is coming out of this crisis. I see parents seeing their children in a whole new light, having to experience what it actually means to be a teacher. I see families connecting in ways they haven't before, with our own participating in regular Zoom calls. I hear about the animal shelters that are empty, something I never would have imagined, and find that my local bike shop is sold out of all their bicycles. I also see people being more patient with one another as they try to navigate shopping and social distracting. Yes, there's the few that aren't handling things well and adding to the trauma, but the truth is the majority are trying.

And then there are the incredible stories of wildlife taking over the cities. The biologist in me is screaming for joy.

With all this good, my big fear is that people will forget it in the face of trying to race back to the previous normal when in truth the world we knew a few months ago is forever gone. The push coming most from those who benefited from that previous normal, even though we can clearly see now how detrimental it was to the majority.

2020 has been an interesting year for me. Grey's older sister is navigating an incredibly hard divorce and I learned last week that a beloved family member has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Shelter-in-place also completely threw all my professional deliverables out the window while reorganizing how I do my job overnight. But with the hard has come some good with this great pause in the world. Both Maddy and Teddy have been diagnosed with ADHD, a health visit that Grey was able to attend due to telehealth visits. Distance learning with their schools has given me a direct window in what both kids are learning, allowing me to work much more intimately with their teachers in order to support these two (and has strengthened those relationships). Weekly family Zoom meetings have resulted in reconnecting with Grey's sister, allowing all of us to better support her as she navigates the additional trauma of a pending divorce. And I've finally been able to forge ahead with a side project that has suddenly become a company priority. Something that is requiring a lot of additional hours, but is being embraced and I'm enjoying doing. So many things that I don't want to lose with the shelter-in-place restrictions lifted.

In my eyes, the curse of the pandemic has brought blessings with the Great Pause. While others call them silver linings, what I think is being missed is the benefits that are emerging. Our healthcare system is extremely broken, with medical workers at the mercy of the insurance industry (which is set up to make a few extremely wealthy). Too many are living without any safety net, illustrating a sick mindset from corporate culture. Our education system is taxed beyond repair, meaning we need a massive reset in how we educate as that foundation is important for ensuring a better future. And our leadership is in need of a complete overhaul. Allowing someone to suggest injecting oneself with bleach as a "cure" would never have become a headline.

I don't know what lies ahead. All the numbers I see suggest we haven't seen the peak of this pandemic and without universal testing, we have no way to contain this virus. I also am waiting to see what the damage will be economically as we are seeing a financial crisis that mirrors the Great Depression. Opening up the states does not mean we are anywhere near the end of all of this. But my hope is that despite the attempts at gaslighting, people will not be able to easily forget what has come from this period. That in addition to making right all the wrongs, they remember the good that came out of this. And that combined, it makes us a better species.

From the front lines

It's been 3 weeks since the world I knew changed. 3 weeks since schools were closed and the shelter-in-place orders came for the Bay Area. For many, this period has been something of a shock, leaving them filled with anxiety about the unknown.

In all of this, Grey and I have been hard at work. Being a part of the biotech industry, our company has been open and working to supply those on the front lines of the infectious disease community with the tools they need to characterize this virus. We've watched the number, seen the statistics, had access to all the data that is being shared across the globe as so many researchers work tirelessly to find answers to SARS-CoV-2.

And in this, we've also heard the stories of those on the front lines in the hospitals. The lack of PPE and the scariness of knowing that the majority of those who walk into a hospital will likely not walk out again.

Here's what we know about SARS-CoV-2: though it's not rapidly mutating, it's still highly infectious. We know that most diagnoses are coming 2-3 weeks after infection. We know that we don't have an accurate understanding of infection rates as we're not broadly testing. But most scary of all, it's not the virus that is killing people but their immune system. That for most, the infection will result in a predictable immune response, but where it gets deadly is when the immune system becomes hyperactive, attacking not only the virus but also the individual. That people are dying because the cellular system meant to protect them against getting sick is actively attacking them. And that we still don't have an answer for why. Meaning that we can't determine who will survive infection vs. not.

Given this, there's so many reasons to lose hope in this period. All the assumptions about safety and givens are gone, leaving many lost. And the truth is, even when we come out the other side of this, there's likely going to be more hardship with a pending recession and many without employment.

But oddly enough, despite all the bad, I've also been witnessing so much good. During meetings and conversations, I hear about what my colleagues in my company, as well as other researchers around the world, are doing and discovering. They are freely sharing their research with a singular goal of finding a cure and vaccine. So many biotechs have started partnering, making sure that tools, materials, and people needed to advance the research are provided, often through donations.

Then there's what I've been seeing in my community: the neighbors who leave each other meals and notes, practicing social distancing but making sure no one is isolated. Being at home with Maddy and Teddy, learning first hand about how remote learning is being delivered and being a part of an effort that though messy is working to continue education. Witnessing first-hand the kindness at grocery stores where people are thanking the service workers for their bravery so that grocery stores, gas stations, medical clinics, and other essential businesses can remain open.

All of it a constant reminder that even when things seem dark, the light has a way of shining through.

It goes without saying that one day we'll all be looking back on this. So the question is, how do all of you want this part of history to be remembered? Will this be what you consider one of the darkest periods in your life? Or do you want to be part of the light I see shining from so many?

If the latter, but you don't know where to start, I have a shortlist of how to contribute (and I welcome other suggestions).

• People need face coverings. Did you know you can sew your own? Did you know these can be donated to the medical community?
• Speaking of donations, donate blood. The need right now is great.
• Outside of the hospitals, people are struggling with isolation. Find creative ways to connect, whether it be digital (video conferencing, email, texting, etc) or through more classical methods of notes, letters, or simply knocking on doors and having loud conversations at a good distance.
• Smile at someone. 
• If you can afford it, pay your babysitter, housekeeper, lawn service, etc. 
• If you know someone who is currently unemployed, offer to help with all things that come with it. Resume writing is a drag and LinkedIn can be intimidating. Help make the process less painful.
• Three words: virtual happy hours/coffee breaks. The one rule is to talk about anything other than COVID-19. I recommend silly hats too.
• Have you heard about the Monterey Bay Aquarium's Morning MediOceans? I just found these and am already a huge fan. 
• Plant something. Climate change is real people and plants are key to our survival. Plus getting your hands dirty can be insanely therapeutic.
• Volunteer. 
• Want to learn more about COVID-19? Despite the misinformation, there's a ton of good information too. This presentation by Dr. Michael Lin is really good. GenomeWeb is a good resource for learning about what industry is up to. And then there are all the publications, which I've been working my way through. Learn something useful and spread that information broadly.
• Support local by buying gift cards.

And finally, as hard as all of this is, please keep distancing. Resist the urge to be around others. It's hard, I know. I know because I feel it too. But the things in life worth doing are often hard and the data is starting to come in (remember I mentioned a 2-3 week delay) showing that we're flattening that curve. So keep it up. Because for each day that passes, the chances for this virus spreading like wildfire decreases, allowing our medical system to manage while reducing mortality rates. Flattening the curve matters.

In the meantime, Grey and I can both promise you we'll continue to work hard. Though we aren't directly on the front lines, so many we know and care about are. And that alone is enough reason to continue the push to get to the other side. Help us by doing your part to push too.

Tasting privileges

Two years ago, I had my very first night away from Maddy and Teddy. The trip is for an interview in the Bay Area with a small biotech company, which meant I had to fly solo with two 4-year-olds across the country before continuing on to my final destination. Flying first to Seattle, I spent the day helping Maddy and Teddy settle in with my aunt and uncle before packing a small carry on and disappearing at nap time. Upon arriving in the Bay Area, I would navigate the airport and then the city with my small bag before checking into my hotel and nose-diving into a King size bed. The whole time, I marveled at how amazingly wonderful it was to not only be on my own but doing so with the peace-of-mind that both kids were in excellent hands being safe, sound and well cared for. A luxury Grey and I don't normally have.

Since Maddy and Teddy arrived, I haven't spent more than 48 hours away from them. Part of this has been due to my different positions for work not requiring extensive travel, but another end is that up until very recently traveling without the kids hasn't been something we could do. Unlike others, we didn't have access to family who was close-by or anyone we trusted to leave Maddy and Teddy with. All of this has lead to an interesting "otherness" when around those who talk having family close-by or can afford live-in child care.

All of this has been on my brain this week as I both prepare to leave for a week-long meeting in Southern California and have been in negotiations with Moon about her and Lucas taking Maddy and Teddy for a few days. It wasn't that long ago that neither of these things were options, which leaves me in strange territory of juggling my anxiety over leaving my kids while also being acutely aware of what a privilege it is that this is suddenly an option.

Privilege is an odd thing, given that many are unaware of until their situation changes. Coming from the camp of the have-nots, it's always been interesting to transition into the world of having something and learning how to navigate it. Grey and I still get odd looks when I talk about our weekly "dates" to the grocery store or doing some errand sans Maddy and Teddy, yet these are times I still look forward to both to spend time with my partner but also to do so without having to wrangle two energetic children.

But what is also fascinating is hearing the arguments for those who try to justify their privileges. While in Boston, arguments for deserving were common, particularly when faced by others who had lost these same privileges. My former landlord was a great resource for this as she would bemoan the toils of having inherited 3 properties, all of which were requiring maintenance due to decades of neglect. But there were other examples too, all of which were cringe-inducing to the average observer, with arguments ranging from superior intelligence to superior lineage.

One hard reality I've faced starting in 2010 was that life is far from fair. There are those who can never seem to get out of their situation, forever doomed by misfortune, and there are others who have an infinite amount of safety nets. Living the reality that class and social ranking is very much alive today can be depressing, especially when it doesn't take much to level the playing field.

But equally interesting is a new realization I've been experiencing, which is that privilege can also be a toxic thing if in excessive amounts. In order to develop resilience, one must encounter hardship or challenge. Privilege in excess can stifle growth, leaving someone in a mentally and emotionally immature state.

And where it's particularly a shock is when that access changes. When someone who assumed something that was limited as normal and suddenly has to face the reality of the safety nets are retracted. I cannot begin to tell you the stories I have from students who weren't prepared, the mistakes they made that were ultimately more costly to them because of their lack of resilience and how painful it was to watch as they grappled with these challenges without the required toolkit.

As I prepare for my first solo work trip, there are so many things I'm grateful for. I'm grateful for having the babysitter we have, who can help Grey with kid and cat care. I'm grateful that family is in driving distance. I'm grateful that we finally have the structure in place to do this. And I'm realizing that I need to start trusting the structure; learning to ask for help instead of assuming it doesn't exist.

But I'm also sad that what I get isn't something that's more universal. Everyone has their share of hardships and burdens and I'm not naive at assuming the grass is greener on the other side, but it's the knowledge the positive impact so many would have simple from more equal access to many things in our world that are limited (childcare, healthcare, educational opportunities for advancement to name a few) is something that's hard to live with. That the privilege I've been tasting, though sweet, isn't something that should be restricted.