Thursday, February 23, 2012


A belated welcome to all those visiting from ICLW!  A bit of background on me: Grey and I've been TTCing for a little over 2 years, with a formal diagnosis of "Unexplained Infertility" in January 2011. This past December, we took the leap and underwent IVF. The cycle was successful (8 beautiful embryos and a positive pregnancy test). Unfortunately, 4 days after the first beta, we learned that something was wrong. This resulting in a week on the beta roller coaster followed by a diagnosis with a blighted ovum. I had a D&C on January 11th. I've spent the past month healing, reflecting and preparing myself for a FET in March. 

This past week has been a rough one. News of Mo's loss hit me harder than I ever imagined. This was followed with news that a friend on an online forum suffered a chemical pregnancy, which probably could have been prevented if her RE had checked her day 21 progesterone levels, realized that it was low, and prescribed her supplemental progesterone. I've been filled with anger and sorrow over both of these losses because both of these women have been through so much and deserve to be holding their babies, not trying to remember them.

But I'm also scared. Scared shitless. This news has triggered memories of that awful day in January. The day when Grey and I learned that we would lose our pregnancy. That the brief moments of happiness and peace we had experienced were over. All that was to follow was pain. I never want to live through that again. And I'm worried that I'm setting myself up for the same thing.

Today I am officially CD1. After threatening for a few days, my period finally arrived. With that came the instructions to reduce the Lupron and start Estrace. I've heard time and time again how much easier it is to go through a FET than IVF, and so far on the physical end they've been right. But this week has reminded me that though physically I can take it, emotionally I'm still weak.

Miscarriage and infant loss is one of the biggest taboos in our society (next to infertility). All too often, people respond with suggestions like "it's for the best," "it wasn't meant to be" or (my personal favorite) "it's all in God's hands." In a lot of cases, parents are lucky to even get these responses, as people become incredibly uncomfortable about the subject and just assume that not saying anything is for the best. But the worst of all of this is that as time goes on, people assume you'll have 'gotten over it.' That because there was never a baby for them to see, it never existed. That this child was just an idea.

The problem is, like any trauma, the wounds may heal, but scars will remain. Sometimes the scars are tiny, only noticeable to those who look for them. But other times those scars are not so tiny. In fact, they are damn ugly. We try to hide conceal them, covering them with veneer to make them appear less ugly, but we know what they are.

For the past few weeks, I've been looking at the scars I've accumulated during this journey, particularly the most recent one. I've convinced myself that I'm okay with them, as they are part of me and I'm not ashamed of what I've done during this time. But this week reminded me that I'm not okay. I'm not okay with having to undergo fertility treatments, I'm not okay with having to hide my tears following a pregnancy announcement, I'm not okay with people I know and love suffering miscarriages and loving their children.

I'm not okay with the loss of my one and only pregnancy.

And yet, starting today, though I'm scared out of my mind that in a month all of that sorrow will repeat itself, I will move forward. With my husband by my side, we will try again. I will pop the pills, stick myself with needles and forgo caffeine. I will steal myself, meditate to relief my nerves and try to remember that there's a chance that all of this works out.

All because I know that if I don't, I will forever be stuck in this limbo of wondering if I had tried, would it have worked. And that limbo scares me more.

Wish me luck.


  1. You don't need to ask! Good luck! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that your FET is not only successful, but easy and uneventful.

    This is a very trying process, and sometimes people don't find the right words of comfort, or any words really. It's hard. We understand.

  2. Good luck!! I'm excited to follow you along on your FET, and hope that I'm not far behind you!

  3. Good luck! I really hope this FET works for you. Oh and thanks for mentioning the progesterone. I totally forgot about that. Our RE here doesn't request that blood work either. I wonder why. Think I'll be calling on my day 21 to ask about it. I have plenty of endometrin on hand too.

  4. Hi,

    I'm finding you for the first time through ICLW. I hope that the FET works out for you- very best wishes to you and your husband.

    With warmest wishes,


  5. Best of luck with your upcoming FET.

    Jumping in again after a loss is a terrifying experience. Just try to think about all the wonderful things that could go RIGHT :) I is easier said than done. I've got everything crossed for you.

  6. I'll be sending you lots of good thoughts for your FET!

  7. "I am not okay with the loss of my one and only pregnancy." I loved that line. I think it's even harder when that pregnancy is so hard-won -- and so damn expensive. IVF is worth it....when it works. When it doesn't, or when it ends in loss, that loss is compounded by the financial hardships and the sacrifices it took to get there.

    I get it, and I'm so sorry that you do, too.


  8. I'll be close behind you on your FET schedule for my fresh cycle. I agree with everything you posted, except reducing caffeine :) In all seriousness, you don't need to be ok with your loss. You just have to keep moving, which you are. xo

  9. Hey Cristy, hang in there girlie. I wish there was a pill that we could take so all those thoughts could just go away. I will be praying, crossing fingers and sending you good thoughts on your upcoming FET.

  10. I understand where you're coming from. It is so hard to wrap your mind around all of this and figure out the best way to move forward especially once you've experienced a loss.

    I love the beauty and hope that is IVF but along with that comes fear. Sometimes it's fear of the unknown, other times it's fear of what we do know. What we've already experienced.

    While I don't necessarily have any wonderful advice on how to get to a good emotional state, I think you are on the right track. The fear of doing nothing outweighs the fear of doing something. The babies we lost will forever be a part of our lives and we will never forget them. At the same time, we try to figure out a way to keep moving forward. We're here for you girl. xoxo

  11. Sweetie, you are so right. The scars are there and even though they are ugly and ache, sometimes refusing to move forward is worse. I am so hopeful that this will work for you, but I know all too well how scary it can be.

    I'll be starting my FET cycle most likely near the end of March. So even though you have a few weeks on me, we can be scared together.

    1. What day do you expect CD1? Mine should me the 23 or 24 of March.

  12. Even though I haven't ever been pregnant, so I haven't experienced a loss, I'm still really scared. Like ADSchill, I'm also starting at the end of March, but on a fresh cycle, my first.

    ICLW #6

  13. You are right...everything about it is terrifying. Stay strong..I wish you nothing but the best and only good news from here on out.
    Katie - visiting from ICLW

  14. Great post. Yes, the limbo is way scarier than plunging forward. It's so, so scary. I'm glad to hear that this has been physically easier than IVF and so glad CD1 finally arrived, as scary as it is to be starting this process again. Sending you the best of luck for this cycle.

  15. hoping this FET really works out for u, ive also heard tht it is more succesful than a fresh cycle...lets just wait and see!

  16. I hate the things people say about loss. It's ridiculous. I wish people understood it better and just offered their deepest sympathy and left it at that.

    I really hope that you get your THB from your upcoming FET!

    ICLW #97

  17. Hi Christy, thanks for stopping by my blog! Yeah, Infertility is a a topic nobody on the outside can relate to, and it sucks. My mom is an amazing, kind, wonderful person and though she listened to me talk about the babies I had lost, after a while she just wished I could move on, mentally. Because we never leave anything unsaid between us, I explained how wrong that was, and she agreed and felt intensely guilty--but she can't help it. The only way to gain true empathy, is to go through this hell yourself.

    Best of luck with this cycle! I agree with all of those who think that a FET gives you a better chance than a fresh transfer. Your uterus has be utterly shell shocked after the hormonal barrage it goes through in an IVF, so its logical. Hoe you get your take home baby soon!

    Jay ICLW #21

  18. I so understand everything you're feeling and it is so understandable that you feel this way. I'm wishing you the best with this cycle and hope that a few weeks from now we will celebrate the beginning of a very happy 10 month journey for you!


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