Sunday, April 1, 2012

The untelling

How does one find the strength to go on in the midst of so much pain? When life is so hard?

HcG levels dropped from 8225 on Friday to 1293. Diagnosis is complete miscarriage. My body has killed my babies.

We're both in shock from the destruction from this storm. But the numbness will wear off soon and we will once again be left with our grief.

For now, all I want is sleep.
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67 comments:

  1. ChickenpigApril 1, 2012 at 11:20 AM

    Oh no, I'm so sorry. I can't believe this happened. I'm assuming by your diagnosis that something terrible and final happened over the weekend. I'm thinking of you. I wish there was something more I could do or say except that I know what you're going through, and I'm here.

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  2. sass @ (In)fertility UnexplainedApril 1, 2012 at 11:23 AM

    Oh no. Oh no. Oh no! I really thought/hoped/prayed that everything would be okay. I am so so so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make it better. (If you can think of something, let me know.)

    Please do go sleep, and take care of yourself. *hugs*

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  3. unaffectedApril 1, 2012 at 11:28 AM

    I am so, so sorry, Cristy. You will be in my thoughts.

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  4. ADSchillApril 1, 2012 at 11:33 AM

    I'm glad we spoke and I got to be there for you as much as I'm able. I am just so sorry my friend. So so sorry. I'm here if you just want to cry or yell or talk. Take care of your hubby and we'll be sending all the love we can to you and your babies.

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  5. JJApril 1, 2012 at 11:38 AM

    I am so very sorry!

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  6. JMApril 1, 2012 at 11:48 AM

    There are no words to adequately describe how sorry I am for ehat you are going through. Sending you all our love.

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  7. DeniseApril 1, 2012 at 12:03 PM

    I am so very sorry Cristy. I wish I could give you a big hug. I hate that you/we have to go through pain like this. Sleep for as long as you need. *hugs*

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  8. AnonymousApril 1, 2012 at 12:21 PM

    I can't believe this is happening. I am so so sorry and only wish there was something I could do for you. I know we only know each other "virtually" but seriously... let me know if you need/want to get together and talk. Or get a drink. Or go for a run. I find all to be helpful in this situation. Really, the offer stands. Just send me an email.

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  9. FieryApril 1, 2012 at 1:06 PM

    Oh, Cristy. My heart is breaking for you. I cannot believe you're having to go through this again. It's so unfair. Sleep, cry, watch bad TV, do whatever you need to do to get through this time. I wish I could take some of your pain away...just so sad for you.

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  10. A.April 1, 2012 at 1:07 PM

    So so sorry for your loss:( hoping and praying you'll have much brighter days ahead.

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  11. HattieApril 1, 2012 at 1:08 PM

    Devastated for you. I'm so so sorry that you have to go through this. I wish I could take any of the pain away.

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  12. LifeApril 1, 2012 at 1:20 PM

    I am so so sorry. My heart broke when I read about what happened....
    I wish I could say something to make you feel better.
    hugs

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  13. @EndoJourneyApril 1, 2012 at 1:23 PM

    No no no! I am so crushed for you. I am so so sorry for all of this. I wish there was something I could say or do. Please know you and Grey are in my thought and I'm sending you all my love.

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  14. LolaApril 1, 2012 at 1:33 PM

    Oh Cristy I'm so sorry for your loss. This is heartbreaking. Nothing I say will make you feel better. I know because I've been there. I'm here for you. Sending you my love to you and your family.

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  15. LoraApril 1, 2012 at 1:53 PM

    Cristy my heart sank as I read the first few words of this post. I am so, so very sorry! Words cannot describe the pain in my heart for you but I know it is only a fraction of what you and Grey are experiencing.

    I'm here if you need or want to talk. I'm just so sorry, my heart is broken.

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  16. LApril 1, 2012 at 1:56 PM

    I just read this post and cried for you. I cannot believe it and although there are no words that will make any of this better for you, please no how much I am thinking of you. It just isn't fair. Sending tons of love your way...

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  17. Momma BeeApril 1, 2012 at 2:04 PM

    I have chills reading this post!
    Not what I was expecting to reading.
    I'm so heartbroken for you.
    We are ALL here if you need any of us!
    I am so very sorry!
    Sending all our love and hugs from Canada!!!

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  18. Just TApril 1, 2012 at 2:04 PM

    Cristy I just logged on and saw your blog. There are no words I have to state how very sorry I am that you lost the babies. You have been such a wonderful friend to me throughout everything and I wish I could give you hug and tell you how much sorrow I feel for you right now.

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  19. Amy L.April 1, 2012 at 2:04 PM

    Cristy, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm here by way of Alissa, a fellow twin loss mama to me. Sending you much love, peace and strength as you mourn your losses... :(

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  20. LeslieGailApril 1, 2012 at 2:08 PM

    I am so sorry sweet girl. I hope you do get some sleep so you can escape the pain for awhile. Hugs!

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  21. RebeccaApril 1, 2012 at 2:16 PM

    J and I are so very sorry that this happened. I often share your blog with him. If there is something I can do for you let me know.

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  22. AmeliaApril 1, 2012 at 2:17 PM

    Light and love to you and your family. I'm so so sorry for your loss.

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  23. DarylApril 1, 2012 at 2:19 PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

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  24. JennyApril 1, 2012 at 2:27 PM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  25. Shelley SenaiApril 1, 2012 at 2:28 PM

    My heart is completely shattered for you both, Cristy. This is unimaginable. Rest now. Support and love each other. We're all here when you're ready, but for now just rest and know we all love you so much. I'm sending up two prayers into the universe today, just in case.

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  26. JennyApril 1, 2012 at 2:31 PM

    I'm very, very sorry, Cristy. I was hoping hard that things would be ok.

    You and Grey are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  27. Her Royal FabulousnessApril 1, 2012 at 2:40 PM

    Cristy, no! Damn! I was so, so hoping this would not be the outcome. I am so, so sorry and am sending you so much love. You have been there for me in dark times and I am here for you 100%. If you want to email, chat online, or talk voice, just let me know. I can also send you copious amounts of wine and chocolate...please be kind to yourself and hug Grey close.

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  28. AnonymousApril 1, 2012 at 2:42 PM

    "How does one find the strength to go on in the midst of so much pain? When life is so hard?"

    I don't know -- but inexplicably, we do. Somewhere, somehow, we find the strength to put one foot in front of the other. But for now, just be sad.

    I'm so very, very sorry. xo

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  29. Lollipop GoldsteinApril 1, 2012 at 2:53 PM

    Oh Christy, I am so so sorry. Holding you in my heart.

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  30. AmandaApril 1, 2012 at 3:07 PM

    Although I have been where you are, I have no words of comfort to give you. I am so, so sorry you are going through this insurmountable pain again. Mourn your loss. Grieve as long as you need to. The second only compounds the first. Know we are here for you. *hugs*

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  31. JennyApril 1, 2012 at 3:38 PM

    I'm so sorry. Sending many thoughts and prayers your way.

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  32. LeslieApril 1, 2012 at 4:12 PM

    I am so sorry! I wish I had words to help make this easier. I am thinking of you & sending tons of virtual (((((hugs))))).

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  33. Sara-LynnApril 1, 2012 at 4:16 PM

    Oh Cristy, I don't have words for you. I am so so so sorry!

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  34. AnonymousApril 1, 2012 at 4:43 PM

    I'm so so sorry. My heart is breaking for you.

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  35. AnonymousApril 1, 2012 at 4:45 PM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  36. AubApril 1, 2012 at 4:50 PM

    So sorry for your loss. There are no words. You, your DH, and your angel babies are in my thoughts.

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  37. Curly SueApril 1, 2012 at 4:53 PM

    MissConception directed me here. I am so very sorry this is happening to you. I will be praying for you and your husband.

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  38. Seriously Not PregnantApril 1, 2012 at 5:22 PM

    I am so sorry. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

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  39. LillyApril 1, 2012 at 6:12 PM

    I wish I knew what to say to take your pain away. I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  40. JoApril 1, 2012 at 6:18 PM

    I am so, so sorry. Really. There is nothing I can say to make this better. I am thinking of you and your hubby today.

    Hugs,
    Jo

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  41. MyTwoLinesApril 1, 2012 at 6:31 PM

    I am really really sorry. I hope that sleep gives you some respite from this pain. No one should have to go through this.

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  42. nicoleApril 1, 2012 at 6:35 PM

    oh cristy. i am so, so sorry. my heart is breaking for you. i know there are no words to make this easier. i am sorry.

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  43. Emily @ablanket2keepApril 1, 2012 at 6:59 PM

    I'm so sorry. Keeping you and your Hubby in my thoughts and prayers and sending you peace.

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  44. KecharaApril 1, 2012 at 8:34 PM

    *HUG* I'm so, so sorry.

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  45. AmandaApril 1, 2012 at 8:34 PM

    I am so, so sorry.

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  46. AnonymousApril 1, 2012 at 10:24 PM

    I am very sad for you. Sleep and grieve and be loved and supported.
    Kirsten

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  47. BWApril 1, 2012 at 10:43 PM

    Your post absolutely broke my heart. I am so very sorry for your loss, Cristy.

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  48. Elizabeth :: Bébé SuisseApril 1, 2012 at 10:58 PM

    I read of your story on MissConception's blog and just wanted to say how sorry I am. Thinking of you ...

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  49. marwilApril 2, 2012 at 1:13 AM

    So much heartbreak, I'm so sorry for your loss. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Somehow we do get through these things, even if it doesn't feel like that at the moment.

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  50. UnknownApril 2, 2012 at 4:31 AM

    I'm so so so sorry!!!! (((hugs)))

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  51. meggolaApril 2, 2012 at 5:33 AM

    I'm so sorry.

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  52. TrishaApril 2, 2012 at 8:13 AM

    Oh Cristy...I am so sorry. So, so sorry. There are no words just sorrow.

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  53. dspenceApril 2, 2012 at 8:34 AM

    I am so, so sorry...

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  54. TuttiApril 2, 2012 at 9:08 AM

    I read your post yesterday and have been gutted ever since. I was hoping some words of comfort would come to me by this morning, but they haven't. I just wish I could take this pain away for you, chop it up into little pieces, and throw it away where it is never able to touch you again.

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  55. AzulApril 2, 2012 at 9:58 AM

    I am really sorry you're going through this...

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  56. SunnyApril 2, 2012 at 10:44 AM

    Cristy, I'm here via MissConception...this news breaks my heart. Wishing you and your husband lots of strength and lots of love at this time.

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  57. GinaApril 2, 2012 at 11:15 AM

    Crist, I am so, so sorry. I am so angry at the universe! Why? My heart is breaking for you and Grey....I hope I can do something to take the pain away from me. Please take care of yourselves and do whatever you need to do to cope and heal. I will be thinking of you and sending love your way.

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  58. marisa sApril 2, 2012 at 11:28 AM

    I am so sad and heartbroken to hear this. I'm so so sorry, Cristy. I'm thinking of you.

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  59. AnonymousApril 2, 2012 at 11:43 AM

    I'm sorry, Cristy. I wish I could take the grief and the heartbreak and the frustration all away for you. You are a warrior for going through all of this.

    I'll be thinking of you.

    Emily (TCOYF)

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  60. KHApril 2, 2012 at 2:49 PM

    I am so, so sorry for your loss Cristy. My heart just breaks for you. Sending so many hugs.

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  61. Living Our Life in CyclesApril 2, 2012 at 2:49 PM

    No no noooo. Oh Cristy, I'm so sorry! Keeping you in my thoughts during this heartbreaking time. <3

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  62. ASApril 2, 2012 at 7:48 PM

    Oh Cristy, I am so very sorry for your loss. I am holding you in my heart and in my prayers.

    -skins (TCOYF)

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  63. AnonymousApril 2, 2012 at 8:17 PM

    Cristy, I am so sorry for your loss. I know this kind of pain is too much to even process. I hate it so much for you. I'm thinking of you often.
    -Adriane (TCOYF)

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  64. DandelionBreezeApril 2, 2012 at 9:32 PM

    My heart goes out to you... I'm so sorry that this is happening for you. Know that I'm thinking of you and sending you love from afar xoxo

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  65. Dead Cow GirlApril 4, 2012 at 11:21 AM

    I'm so very sorry. So very. :-(

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  66. Rae-babeApril 4, 2012 at 5:47 PM

    I am deeply sorry Cristy. There are no words...

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  67. ChanelApril 10, 2012 at 11:14 AM

    Hey hun, I am so sorry. I hate that this happened to you. I hate it. Please know that you are in my thoughts and I am sending you lots of love and hugs. XOXO

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