The past 36 hrs have been hard ones. The beta from today marked the end of a 2.5 yr journey towards pregnancy and biological children. There have been tears and anger. Despair and numbness. We both feel lied to, blaming ourselves and the world for this pain. Yet, in the end, both Grey and I know that this is the end. We've fought a good fight; it's time to let go.
The struggle for us now is grieving and saying goodbye to the children we wanted so desperately. These past few months, the image of them has slowly faded from my mind, but I never allowed myself to truly believe that they would not exist. Afterall, IVF is suppose to work; happy endings are suppose to happen following loss and struggle. Yet here we are at the crossroads, both of us knowing full well that we need to grieve this loss and bury them in order to move forward. That without doing this, our children will never find us.
How does one go about saying goodbye? Keiko Zoll posted about writing a letter to her biological child, while others have talked about doing something to mark the transition, be it with a memorial or some act. Right now my mind is clouded and healing needs to be the main focus, but I do want to do something for them. I'm just at a loss for what.
In 3 days, Grey and I will be celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary. It's bitter-sweet to think about us as a newly-married couple, full of hope for the future and sure of our family. How different we are now and uncertain. Yet how determined.
Tonight I'm holding the images of my sweet someday children tight, kissing them each goodbye. I know very soon that those images will be nothing more than a memory. A sweet dream that was never meant to be.
Thank you all for your sweet words and prayers. I've shown Grey all of your emails and comments, each of which have helped both of us feel less alone in the world during this time.
#Microblog Monday 510: Please Vote
1 day ago
I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. just this week, I came to this same realization, while scheduling our FET of donated embryos. Suddenly, it just hit me, we are closing the book on biological children. I couldnt believe that the time was officially here. It's sad, yet I also knew in my heart, it's time to move on. Im wishing you the best on your next step towards becoming parents.
ReplyDeleteAlso, happy anniversary!
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you and your hubby. You will find a way to move forward and reach your destination. Sending you a big hug.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine how difficult this is, but it sounds like you and Grey are on your way to making peace with this decision. Your someday children are still out there, waiting for you, even if they don't arrive in the way you had imagined. Thinking of you and sending huge hugs.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you during this transition. I hope with the support of your counselor and each other, your path will be as smooth as possible.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry this cycle didn't work Cristy. I am struggling with what would be the right thing to say in this comment but what I am really feeling is... infertility just sucks. Completely. I hate the things we go through, decisions we have to make (or those that are made for us) and the heartache of infertility. Take your time to mourn this chapter. Thinking of you and sending big hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are going through this. I am thinking of you and your DH - wishing you all the best!!!
ReplyDeleteThis post took my breath away. I am so sorry that this part of your journey didn't end the way it should have. But, your babies are out there. They just need to find you. xo
ReplyDeleteCristy, I'm so sad this FET didn't work and you're at the end of this road. I feel so close to being at the same point, so I'm relating to you on a personal level. I'm in denial that you're here, grieving the loss of your biological children. It seems so unreal. Lean on your friends, bloggie and IRL, and Grey and Dee. Better times await you.
ReplyDeleteCristy I am so sorry. I absolutely wont be one of those people who believe this is all part of a bigger plan and blah blah blah. It sucks what you and Grey are going through. Just we that as a community we are all here for you, to listen and show support in any way we can.
ReplyDeleteOh, this must be such a tough crossroad to pass. My heart goes out to you both. Healing is important and I'm so glad you have counseling going and that you seem to be able to talk and grieve together. Thinking of you. xx
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and of Grey this weekend and holding you both in my heart. It's so terribly unfair that things didn't work out the way you both had hoped. I know you will find your way out of this and I know there will be a happy ending out there for you two. I also think this transition time is a very important one to feel and spend some time in, in the hopes of moving on with peace. My thoughts are with you both as you navigate this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteOh Cristy. I am do sad for you. Shedding tears with you today.
ReplyDeleteSuch a difficult end to this season. Praying you find comfort and peace in each other and moving into the next season of your life.
ReplyDeleteHave a Happy Anniversary.
My heart is simply aching reading this. Not only am I sad for you, but because I can relate. I am very glad your meeting with the counselor was successful and has helped you begin the healing process. Best wishes for a Happy Anniversary, and best of luck in your continued journey to parenthood!
ReplyDeleteICLW
I am so so so so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteIf I should find myself in this same place six months from now, I hope that I will be able to face it with as much grace and dignity. Don't get me wrong, I know the pain of loss; the excruciating agony. And I know how ungraceful and undignified it feels. And yet, somehow, we mothers who are not mothers - and really, I think any woman who has longed for and loved a child, whether successfully conceived or not, can call herself a mother - have a place of peace within us; or perhaps we just project a peace we do not truly feel.
Holding you in my heart during this impossible goodbye. Sending good thoughts and peace of heart.
ReplyDeleteThis post broke my heart. Abiding with you and your husband and thinking of you both. (((Sending many, many HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Cristy - I am thinking of you and sending big hugs.
ReplyDeleteWishing for peace for you at this time of transition -- I think the idea of some kind of memorial or ritual to mark the transition is a good one. We didn't do that, so when it came time to tell people we were starting the adoption process they all said "congratulations" which is the right this to say, but... I found myself wishing that there had been a point when the right thing for them to say was to acknowledge the sadness of the previous few years (and then to wish us best of luck in the adoption process). We're still waiting, by the way, so will be waiting with you if you decide to go that route.
ReplyDelete--Teresa
I'm so sorry I haven't been around during such a difficult time for you though you and Grey have been in my thoughts a lot. I wish you so much peace, love and strength as you transition to a new chapter in your lives. I agree with the above poster that doing something to memorialize what you've been through and where you are now might be a wonderful way to honor your children and your journey thus far. I can't begin to imagine how hard this is but please know that I am always here for you and sending both of you so much love.
ReplyDeleteHi from ICLW. I read this post with a heavy heart for you. I can't imagine how hard it must be to arrive at this point and I'm so sorry this is where the journey has taken you. I feel for you. I hope you can be kind and gentle with yourself and each other in this time of grief and that you can find a very special, healing way to honor what could have been. I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh Cristy... I'm so sorry that I'm behind on your news and only just realised. I'm heartbroken for you... and so wish this cycle had ended differently. You are an amazing woman and have been through so much... thinking of you always xoxo
ReplyDeleteCristy...I was just stopping by to catch up with you (since your posts don't appear in my reader for some frustrating reason) and am in tears right now, after reading this post. My heart aches for you and Grey, as I know the pain of letting go and saying goodbye to your biological children. Between your strong (8 year!) marriage, a good therapist, and time, you will heal and move on to the next part of your journey. Once you are in a better place, please don't hesitate to email me if you guys have questions about the adoption process, or just want to hear about anything from the perspective of a birth mother (and fellow infertile). I am more than happy to help if I can. In the meantime, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Every day.
ReplyDeleteCristy. I came by to check in on you (since your posts don't show up in my reader for some frustrating reason) and I'm in tears after reading this post. My heart is aching for you and Grey right now, as I know the pain of this loss and saying goodbye to your biological children. I know there is nothing I can do (except hold you in my heart and pray for healing), but I believe with your strong (8 year!) marriage, a good therapist, and time, you will get through this grief and be able to move on with your next step in this journey. And about that next step...if at any time you guys have any questions about the adoption process or just want to hear about something from the perspective of a birth mother (and fellow infertile), please do not hesitate to email me. I can give you my number and would be happy to talk with you on the phone, if it would be helpful at all. In the meantime, please know that I am thinking of you. Every day.
ReplyDeletei'm so so so very sorry. i, too, am in tears reading your post. my heart breaks for you - none of us dealing with IF/Loss want to read about a fellow IFer moving on. i'm so sorry that it didn't work out the way you hoped. when the time is right, you'll know exactly how to mark this event and i'll be thinking of you as you focus on adoption. it takes amazing strength to go through everything you've been through and it's inspiring that your marriage is so rock solid. good luck and i'll be following along.
ReplyDeleteHere from the roundup. Yes, you need to grieve. I'm so sorry that you have to, though. It's just not fair. :(
ReplyDeleteHugs and love sent to you over the internet.
xoxo
Also here from the round up. Such a beautifully sad post. Grieving is important. Without it, it will be hard to move on to whatever comes next. I wish I could tell you how we did it, but I think it was more time. One day a realization came over me that I was okay and ready to move on. Sending you prayers for peace in whatever comes next.
ReplyDelete