Saturday, June 2, 2012

Time keeps on ticking

It's amazing what can happen in a week. So much movement and yet so little. My mind has been a whirl with all of these events and both Grey and I have been processing a lot.

- Our meeting with Dee was a chaotic one. Initially our intentions of getting some information about moving forward with the adoption process revealed that we are both struggling with being at the crossroads. Dee ordered us to find a marriage counselor to help deal with this. After a couple of fasle-starts, we have some leads and I hope we can proceed very soon.

- Speaking of adoption, we found an agency! Luck would have it that we managed to secure the last available spot for a pre-adoption seminar in August (next seminar would have been November). We currently have a stack of paper work we need to begin working our way through. At least our evenings will be filled.

- You're probably wondering where this leaves us with this upcoming cycle. Grey and I are on track, with our baseline ultrasound coming up on Tuesday. The emotions surrounding Tuesday are mixed for both of us: Grey is feeling very hopeful; I feel numb. At least the despair that was exacerbated by the BCPs is gone, but I don't feel any hope either. In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm just going through the motions, expecting nothing along the way. It a strange place to be.

- Despite feeling numb, I have been taking additional steps to help promote a good outcome. I found an acupuncturist at the beginning of May and have been ending my weeks laying on a table, meditating while having needles stuck in various portions of my body. It's become something I look forward to and I have noticed an improvement in my mood following the sessions. That and I love the acupuncturist. No matter the outcome of all of this, I may have to continue seeing her.

- I've been having dreams about green nail polish. Strange, I know. I think it's time to get my toes painted.

- Grades are submitted and I'm officially focusing on mentoring research students. And I'm wishing a had a quater of their energy. Mine has been terribly low and I have no explanation for why.

- I've begun hunting for postdocs in two different cities. I don't want to reveal too much at this point, but I have a very strong lead in one city while the other has resulted in nothing. Grey and I are flying out for a wedding in July located in the city with the strong lead, so I'm planning on mixing business with family and interviewing the lab then. In the meantime, I need to start working on applications for grants and reading over the papers from this lab. It's been terribly exciting to know that this may all come to fruition.

- On the home front, Grey and I bite the bullet and are replacing our carpets next week. I'll write more about our condo in the Pigeon Palace soon, but the carpets are a project that needed to be done 6 years ago when we first moved in. The idea that we are ridding ourselves of a major source of stress and smell has both Grey and I feeling lighter. We're also making plans to reface the kitchen cabinets (6-9 months). If all goes well, we'll final have the home we always wanted. Just in time to move.

- Grey and I have turned a corner. Grey allowing himself to grieve for this last miscarriage has opened the doors of communication. He's talked openly about how scared he is for the next cycle, about how much it hurts to be on this road. He's also talked about how confused he has been as we've been taking steps to begin the adoption process. We've been having multiple discussions clarifying our intentions and laying out a plan. He's feeling a lot better and more hopeful for the future because of this.

- We booked a cabin for a mini-vacation. We're leaving the weekend after the transfer and plan on doing nothing but sleeping, relaxing and exploring. My hope is the sea air will do us both some good. That and I'm hoping for a chance to see my first Orca pod. After 10 yrs in the Pacific Northwest, I've never seen them. And yet I dream of them. Strange, huh?

You see, a lot and nothing at all.


  1. -Awesome, I think it wouldn't hurt us to see one either. We've been fighting a lot. Nothing major, just snapping at each other.
    -I knew this piece but I'm still happy see things on the adoption front moving along and can't wait to see how they proceed. How will moving effect this?
    -I too am excited for this cycle. I'll be thinking of you on Tuesday and keeping my fingers crossed for good news!
    -Proud of you for this.
    -Can't wait to hear more on this when you can share it. Are any of them on the east coast?!
    -Jealous, I hate our carpet.
    -A needs to turn this same corner. I wish he and Grey could talk.
    -OMG that would be so amazing to see an orca pod! Good for you guys for booking it, I think it will come at the perfect time!
    -Definitely strange. Have you Googled it?

  2. The good thing about having no expectations is that the possibility for surprise is much greater. I know one way or another you and Grey are going to become parents, and wonderful ones at that. I am holding you in my thoughts often. :)

  3. That sounds like a whole lot going on to me! The postdoc possibility, the adoption seminar, and the upcoming transfer are all really big things. Exciting things, but I understand that there's trepidation and fear associated with some of them.

    It's great to hear that you and Grey are communicating better and that he's been more open about his feelings.

    I'll be sending you lots of good thoughts for Tuesday.

  4. Holy smokes! That's a lot! So much exciting, moving forward stuff for you guys. You're great - good luck with everything!

  5. I am so glad you are being proactive in all of this. The cycle and adoption, your home and the vacation. I am also planning a little getaway in the hopes of relaxing to the sound of waves crashing. I am really happy to hear that Grey is actually processing now, much better then during this coming cycle. I wish you the best and I will be here through whatever comes.

  6. That sounds like an awful lot going on. All good, forward-moving things, but still a lot. I wish you nothing but the best for this cycle, and that vacation sounds fabulous!

  7. Seriously, it's no wonder all of this fertility crap is so overwhelming- you guys have a LOT going right now. Anyone would have a hard time sorting through it all with objectivity. You and Gray are doing a great job, and getting it done in a way that works for you two.

    I LOVE my acupuncture sessions. The guy says that there is some chemical trigger in the brain that is hit by the needles that induces a sense of calm. He may be full of it, but I swear, I am definitely in my zen place when I leave :)

  8. Wow you have a ton of stuff going on right now. I am glad you two are talking through things and going over the plan often. I think it helps. I know repeating our plan over and over helps me.
    Home projects are really nice to get done. Jealous of your new carpet. I wish I had carpet. I hate having all wood.
    A mini vacation is a really good idea. I hope you guys have a wonderful relaxing time.

  9. Whales! I hope you do see them. I saw humpbacks up close in Australia and it was absolutely amazing. have TONS going on. The job stuff alone is intense, and add to that adoption paperwork and an upcoming cycle...whoa. I am so happy that you and Grey are working so hard to keep the lines of communication open. It's difficult when the subject matter is so sensitive, there's lots of grieving, etc. I hope you find a good marriage counselor soon.

    So exciting about finding an adoption agency!! That's awesome.

  10. It looks like you have a lot of things on your plate right now. I hope that the energy you need to enjoy all of it soon appears. Good luck on your adventures.

  11. Can't imagine all the feelings you must be having right now!! Your life is going in so many different directions, I hope that lots of them turn out just the way you want. Take care of yourself. Hope you keep posting details about the adoption agency, lots of hugs to you...

  12. I love the idea of your mini-vacation. I grew up in the Pacific Northwest and never saw an Orca pod. I hope you get to see one!

    Have you tried taking some iron for your tiredness? It's helped me in the past.

  13. * It's really wonderful that meeting with Dee continues to be so helpful. * CONGRATS on finding an agency, and securing a place in the next seminar! * I think it's okay to feel numb at this point. Things may feel more real later, or they may not, and either way it will be okay. * It's great that you're still doing things to make sure you're in the best place you can be for this cycle. * I think it's definitely time to get your toes painted :) * Congrats on finishing the semester! * Good luck with your postdoc search. I hope it goes well. * Yay for replacing carpets! New carpets will be wonderful. * Thank you for sharing your journey with Grey. I'm glad things are brighter today. * I hope you have a super fun vacation. It sounds like the perfect way to pass the 2ww.

    Mostly, good luck!

  14. I feel overwhelmed just reading that, so was happy to see the last point was a vacation. It will be a wonderful way to pass the 2WW. And I am so glad you like your acupuncturist! I went back last week after a one month hiatus, and oh how I missed it. This needs to return to my regular weekly schedule. And I have been here since 1991 and have never seen an Orca. I think I need to get out more.

  15. Definitely sounds like you have a lot going on... know what you mean about feeling numb... such a hard 'emotion' to deal with while trying to stay hopeful. Glad you've found an acupuncturist... I've found mine to the greatest support that I've had throughout this whole TTC/IVF journey... she's amazing and always helps to have someone else to talk with and help you relax :) Love to you always xoxo


Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved