Maybe this could work . . .

As December rapidly approaches, I've found myself fluctuating more and more between optimism and pessimism.  I've sufficiently driven myself crazy analyzing IVF success-rate stats from various clinics as well as spent more time than should be spent with Dr. Google.

A major reason fueling this concern about IVF not working is that over the summer, 3 separate couples I know had failed IVF attempts.  The one that hit home the most was the couple that's around the same age as Grey and myself.  The aftermath of the summer was facing the reality that there was a chance that IVF wasn't going to work.  And it's something that I've had in the back of my mind until this week.

I've been spending November being a cheerleader for a former co-worker/ current friend who has been finishing her IVF cycle.  I've watched in awe as she made the decision to transfer only one embryo and last Thursday she received wonderful news that she's pregnant.  My first thought when she emailed me was "finally, some good news."

Then Saturday, I received an email from a friend who had started IVF this summer, but ended up freezing her embryos because of OHSS.  She was given the all-clear to proceed with embryo transfer at the end of October, but I hadn't heard from her in a while.  She had finally wrote to let everyone know that the transfer had worked and she was finally pregnant.  The amazing part of this whole story is that they were suffering from severe male factor and were told initially that they would never get pregnant, so the news was completely amazing.

Then, yesterday, I received a surprise email from the one summer couple that they had secretly done an embryo transfer and that her second beta came back over 1000.  I was floored!  Shocked that she managed to keep this a secret from her entire support network, but equally happy that finally they had received such amazing news.

So, in less than 10 days, I've received a more than enough validation that IVF can work and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Yet, I'm still so very scared.

2011 has been a year where I've finally started reaching out to others who are on this journey, seeking support and comfort.  During that time, most of them have finally been able to become pregnant or resolve their infertility through adoption.  These women have been the strongest and most supportive group that I've encountered during this whole process.  They get it because they've lived it.  And now I've terrified that come December, I will lost them.  That things won't work out and I'll be left behind to deal with the aftermath.  It's such a selfish thought and one that I'm embarrassed to admit I'm having, yet there it sits.  Ugly and everything. I hate that it exists

I'm spending this morning battling the fear, attacking each moment of anxiety with positive thoughts in an effort to restructure my mood.  Strangely enough, there are moments it's working, but there are also moments when distraction works far better.  The seed of hope has been planted, but I'm working very hard to get that seedling to grow and thrive.