No baby on board

Throughout this journey, there are many things that, once not on the radar, immediately become a reminder one's inability to reproduce.  Baby bumps, Cadalac strollers at the park, open debates about breastfeeding during work hours, etc.  All of these, for the most part, I've been able to handle.  My main conclusion has been that none of these things are meant to actively broadcast one's ability to reproduce to the rest of the world.

There is one exception to this, though.  Baby on board stickers. Within the past 12 months, it seems like the stickers themselves are proliferating like rabbits, attaching themselves to vehicles from all walks of life; from Lexus SUVs, Toyotas & Hondas all the way to Ford F150s, they're everywhere. I'll admit, pre-infertility I really wouldn't have given it a second thought, but now I find myself filled with rage simply at the sight of them, feeling as if they are taunting me.

The past couple of months, these sightings have become more and more of a problem.  Only a few months ago, I was your typical pedestrian/bus commuter. I was happy to enjoy my 20 mins walks to and from the bus stop, then spend the next 20 minutes catching up on reading or enjoying the scenery during the ride to work. Most importantly, I was happy to have someone else do the driving.  With the fall, though, that all change when I started my new position.  Suddenly I've found myself driving over 2 hours a day to and from work, putting me in the midst of drivers from all walks of life.  And that was when I became aware of the plethora of these stickers.  Seems I can't even escape reminders of infertility while on the road.

I've been thinking about this more lately, as we start our IVF cycle.  What is it about these stickers that as me seeing red?  My best guess is that the whole purpose, from my point of view, is to advertise to the world why you're so special.  It a look-at-me-I-have-a-baby attitude that makes me think the parents are less concerned with the safety of their child and more interested in special treatment.  Kinda like the "my child is an honor student" stickers.

But because of infertility, it now goes deeper than that for me.  These stickers are a painful reminder that I don't have a baby on board.  That after 2 years of trying, we are no closer to bringing home a child.  And on that end, it sucks.  I can deal with the bumps, the strollers, the unexpected pregnancy announcements and even the questions.  None of it is meant to be malicious.  But to be reminded of that painful reality while in traffic is a bit too much.