Fighting fear

I haven't been sleeping well. The past couple of nights have been filled with strange dreams, none of which have been pleasant. Last night's was being in a room filled with babies and pregnant women. All of them chatting about birthing, diapers, toys and the wonders of motherhood. Drowning would have been far more pleasant.

Because of these dreams, mornings have become a difficult time. Monday, after confessing to Grey that I was struggling, I spent the 45 minute drive to work in tears and silence, as I was afraid the radio would trigger a full meltdown. This morning wasn't much better.

The thing that has helped calm me is looking at past blog posts from my first IVF cycle. I'm seeing patterns, which has been helpful. And usually as the day goes on, I've somehow managed to come to a more rational state (yay rational mind).

But the fear remains. The fear of Friday's results.

Mel had a post recently that helped me reset during Monday morning. She talked about the importance of distinguishing pain from intensity and how that line is very personal. She also brought up an incredibly important point of how powerful breathing is during intense times. After reading her post and meditating on it, I realized that what I'm dealing with is intensity. FET/IVF is intense! But where the pain comes is with the anticipation of failure.

Don't get me wrong, if Friday's results are negative I will be crushed. I will cry, scream, possibly break stuff and most certainly drink. But I also know that I will begin to heal. What's hard right now is the fear of that negative beta. Just as the fear of never holding my children brings me to my knees.

So, I'm fighting fear. Fighting it with all I've got. Some moments are better than others, with me breathing the whole way, but the point is I'm still fighting.

Now I just need a night without dreams of failure.