Choosing to live

My life as of late has been that of reflection. Reflecting on things that have passed, untangling the meaning from past trauma and hurt. I'm discovering a lot about myself as time goes on; the floodgates into my subconscious have been opened and there's no stopping what's coming out. Out of this reflection has been one clear and simple truth.

I don't want to be dead anymore.

One of the cruelest things about infertility is that something begins to die as you go through the process. With each passing month, with each BFN, with each round of treatment, with each and every moment of worry and fear. All of it killing you slowly and leaving you in a corpse-like state. Some call this process the 'deathless death,' reflecting on all the pain and grief that comes from being a victim.

What I'm learning is that one can end this cycle. Learn how to embrace the choses that you do have and to chose to live. To do so means silencing an inner critic; confronting fear directly and reprocessing the way you look at the world. Difficult, but it can be done. 

For too long I've felt hollow, removed from the world. For too long I've felt unworthy of any joy in my life, viewing infertility as just another cross to bear. What I'm beginning to realize is that, though is that as horrible as this journey has been so far, it's not the end of the road. Infertility has left me temporarily childless, but that doesn't mean I will never be a mother. In fact, I'm so determined that I know one day very soon I will be holding my children.

I chose to live. 

Yesterday, as I was driving to work, I was listening to KEXP. In the middle of their usual playlist, featuring local bands and up-and-coming indie groups, I was surprised to recognize the voice of a familiar green frog. Hearing Kermit's voice as he sang 'Rainbow connection' brought on a flood of emotions; emotions that I didn't think I would ever be able to feel again in this context. Yes, there was a brief moment of sadness, but surprisingly there was also peace and, dare I say it, hope. Hope for a future that I know is awaiting Grey and I, filled with laughter and joy. And as the sun streamed through the windows of the car, I found myself slowly swaying to the music, feeling the warmth of the moment. Somehow, after everything, hope lives.  

RAINBOW CONNECTION
Kermit the Frog

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.