Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Choosing to live

My life as of late has been that of reflection. Reflecting on things that have passed, untangling the meaning from past trauma and hurt. I'm discovering a lot about myself as time goes on; the floodgates into my subconscious have been opened and there's no stopping what's coming out. Out of this reflection has been one clear and simple truth.

I don't want to be dead anymore.

One of the cruelest things about infertility is that something begins to die as you go through the process. With each passing month, with each BFN, with each round of treatment, with each and every moment of worry and fear. All of it killing you slowly and leaving you in a corpse-like state. Some call this process the 'deathless death,' reflecting on all the pain and grief that comes from being a victim.

What I'm learning is that one can end this cycle. Learn how to embrace the choses that you do have and to chose to live. To do so means silencing an inner critic; confronting fear directly and reprocessing the way you look at the world. Difficult, but it can be done. 

For too long I've felt hollow, removed from the world. For too long I've felt unworthy of any joy in my life, viewing infertility as just another cross to bear. What I'm beginning to realize is that, though is that as horrible as this journey has been so far, it's not the end of the road. Infertility has left me temporarily childless, but that doesn't mean I will never be a mother. In fact, I'm so determined that I know one day very soon I will be holding my children.

I chose to live. 

Yesterday, as I was driving to work, I was listening to KEXP. In the middle of their usual playlist, featuring local bands and up-and-coming indie groups, I was surprised to recognize the voice of a familiar green frog. Hearing Kermit's voice as he sang 'Rainbow connection' brought on a flood of emotions; emotions that I didn't think I would ever be able to feel again in this context. Yes, there was a brief moment of sadness, but surprisingly there was also peace and, dare I say it, hope. Hope for a future that I know is awaiting Grey and I, filled with laughter and joy. And as the sun streamed through the windows of the car, I found myself slowly swaying to the music, feeling the warmth of the moment. Somehow, after everything, hope lives.  

Kermit the Frog

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me. 


  1. "Deathless death"... it's so true. I feel like I'm dead... wasting my life away... which I'm mostly okay with if in the end, the sacrifice brings me a child to hold in my arms. But we all know there is no promise. Good for you for being able to shift your view and trying to live again.

  2. Oh Kermmie! I've never been able to listen to this song without tearing up. No different today. Warmed me to read your post. I want you to live and heal and love again. The sooner the better.

  3. Hugs. I needed this today. Thanks friend!

  4. Always loved that song. I too believe that one day you'll be holding your children.

  5. Hope does indeed live! This journey is ridiculously hard, but there are absolutely moments of hope and joy. As soon as I get the sense that our journey to get pregnant was going to be difficult, I made the decision to focus on the blessing that I do have instead of the children that I don't have. Somehow, I've managed to maintain my joy and strength through all the mess that infertility brings. I hope and pray you will begin to daily see the beauty of hope and joy each day!

  6. This completely made me tear up. I felt all warm and fuzzy just reading it. I don't even know what to say!!

  7. What a beautiful post? Sometimes we do need to make the choice to live and not to die inside, despite all the hardship infertility brings. Hope is the thing that helps us make that choice. And the will to not let infertility take over - the will to live a full life despite it all

  8. You have a great future ahead of you. I hope the next year flies by and is filled with more joy than sadness.

  9. Oh I so know this feeling. I have a blog post rattling around my brain about it but I haven't written it yet... but the other day I was just driving and I was trying to figure out what I was feeling and then I realized that I was feeling happiness. How scary that I haven't felt it in so long that I was confused by it.

  10. Gosh you really hit the nail on the head with how I am feeling and where I am at in my "journey". I decided after the last miscarriage I needed to choose to live. .

  11. Love this post. I, too, feel like I've been spending so much time in limbo/infertility/where do we go from here/feeling sorry for myself that I kind of forget there is a thing called life right outside my door. Thank you for the reminder!

  12. I love the optimism of this post. Wishing you all the laughter and joy that you already recognize is ahead of you.

  13. The deathless death....yes, that's how if felt.

    Congratulations to you for reclaiming your life.

    Good job, Kermie!


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