Monday, October 15, 2012

An update, remembering and socks

Thank you all for your thought-filled comments yesterday. I read each one of them carefully while lying on my office floor and processing (aka balling my eyes out) everything that had happened. The long and the short of yesterday is Grey and I are both miserable from this journey. Try as we might, it's been hard to find joy in our lives, as it's either being undermined or feels unattainable. The reality is, most people say or do terrible things when it's assumed you won't have children. And I'm one who has trouble forgiving.

Grey and I continued our talk yesterday, getting to a point where it was clear we were both exhausted, though still angry. At that point we called a truce, agreeing work on all of this with David on Wednesday. I know some of you pushed for an earlier meeting, but David's been away and I've learned after many years of therapy how important it is to see the person who knows your history.

On top of feeling like my world is crashing down around me, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Though my heart is filled with joy over the news of BFPs and birth announcements, there's a sadness that comes with remembering what we've lost. Though I was pregnant for only a brief moment in time, the memory of those few days of bliss will forever be etched on my soul. As silly as it is, I still hurt from the loss of those potential children and not a day goes by where I don't remember the the images of our beautiful embryos that could have been. Today I've planned a walk by Puget Sound, allowing myself some time to do what I haven't allowed myself to do since I've lost them: remember the good moments. The joy of seeing those images, the feeling of being at peace and of hope.

Finally, here's the sock exchange list.

Jessica @ Dreaming of Dimples with Toni @ Who is this "Fertile Myrtle"

KelBel @ Tales from Our Yellow Brick Road with Janet @ Just a little off Kilter

Alicia @ Queen of the Slipstream with D @ My Life is About the Journey

MRHK Musings with Sharon @ Ova Achiever

Rochelle @ all the things we hope for with StacyLee @ Conceptionally Challenged

Aspgriswold @ Growing Griswolds with Stork Chaser @ Dog Mom Chasing the Stork

Joey and Maria with AmyG (Joey and Maria, please contact me so I can give you AmyG's contact info)

returntogobaby with Our Journey through this Lovely Life

Jenn @ The Future Fords with Amanda @ From here to Maternity

HRF @ Waiting for little feet with K @ Our Growing Gardunn

Trisha @ The Elusive Second Line with Cristy @ Searching for our Silver Lining

Lola @ Waiting for Baby with Emhart @ Follow Every Rainbow

Ladies, I have an extra special plea: please don't add to my heartache by not contacting your exchange partner. Most of you I know will not do this, not I occasionally get a couple with each of these exchanges and it breaks my heart. So many women have written me to tell me how much these socks mean to them, so please write me if you want to bow out. No hard feelings if you communicate with me, I promise.


  1. I'm so glad you and Grey are talking. It's so important and it will be what helps both of you get through this.

    I will be thinking of your lost embies along with mine today.

  2. I'm paired with KelBel from Tales from Our Yellow Brick Road and I'm just wondering if you have an email for her? I read her blog today and read the devastating news and I don't want to post on her blog about the exchange...the timing just doesn't feel right. Thanks so much. Janet

  3. Oh my goodness, Cristy. I just read yesterday's post and then today's. I'm so incredibly sorry you and Grey are going through this. The most difficult days (ok, months) of my marriage were those that followed m/c #1. I hate to make blanket statements, but in general, men don't get it. They don't get how hard it makes every other encounter and relationship.

    Sending tons of support your way.

    1. Thanks Detour. Actually, I think they do get it. They just process things differently. Grey's biggest desire is to find joy in life again. Honestly, can you blame him? Because I look at where I'm at and I crave not hurting anymore.

  4. Hoping for better times for you and all of us.

  5. Cristy thank u so much for setting this all up!!! I totally got the same chica I had last time and I LOVE THAT thank U SO SO SO SO SO MUCH!!!! Keeping ya in my thoughts right now just thought u should know that!!!! THANK U THANK U THANK U!!!

  6. Hi Rochelle @ all the things we hope for cant wait 2 hear from ya!!!

  7. Very glad to hear that the two of you have called a truce until your therapy session. I hope David is able to help guide both of you back to your joy.

    I don't think it's at all silly that you still hurt from your losses. Thinking of you and your little ones today. *hugs*

  8. Your hurt is not silly. It is real and painful. Thinking about you.

  9. Thinking about you, and grateful for the sock exchange! Super excited to pick out a great pair!

  10. Thinking of you and hoping for a helpful session tomorrow. DH and I have been through some deep lows in the midst of this journey (just the other night included a fight involving throwing things and threatening with the "D" word). It helped me to look back at photos of some of our good times together at the beginning. This helped me change my perspective and remember what we both signed up for in this marriage. If you still are fighting for that same thing, you can realign and get through this. Please feel free to send me an email if you'd like to chat or anything at all. (

  11. Oh my goodness Cristy. Just read your last two posts. I don't even have words except that neither you nor your husband deserve to feel this type of pain. I only hope that you two can both come to an understanding of each other's feelings and realize what brought you together in the first place. What a shitty shitty thing all of this is. Thinking of you...and hoping you find the strength to get through this and to the other side

  12. My friend, first I want to give you a sense of being gently held by friends who love you... there... you feel it? I also want to say how glad I am that you have this blog and are able to be in touch with other like-minded women. I've been reading your past entries in an effort to catch up what's been going on for you and I ache for your sadness, feel hope for your explorations and growth of your soul and was inspired by your words about fear, vulnerability, and bravery while facing the Jabberwocky. I am sending a huge blog-hug (a blhug?) for sustenance as you move through the murk and mystery...

  13. Thinking of you, Cristy. Today and always.

  14. Thinking of you dear friend. It can't be easy to deal with the burden of this day in light of your recent struggles. I admire your strength so much. I literally started clapping with joy when I saw that I am paired with you for the sock exchange. I wanted to leave my e-mail here but I will try to get one sent to you tonight.

  15. Cristy, I'm so so sorry you are hurting, and I'm thinking of you. I'm hopeful for better days in the future, for you, for me, for everyone. Love to you.

  16. I was so sorry to read your last two posts. It is just incredible how much strain IF can put on a marriage. I identify with everything you've written as we too, went through many huge fights - mainly with me being terribly sad for us when his sister was having her babies, which he just couldn't understand. I hope that continuing to see your therapist brings you through this rough patch. I'm sending big hugs your way!


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