Thursday, April 11, 2013

Scare

Quick post today. So much going on and I'm struggling to gather my thoughts. But before I really dive in, I need to introduce all of you to my office mate Ralphie. Ralphie came into my life back in September 2012 as a 3 month old puppy. Though Ralphie spends most of her time down in the lab with her mom she also occupies my office, bring a joy and peace with her that helps make difficult days much more manageable.



Today, I really needed Ralphie.

The past week has been a tough one. I learned on Sunday that I had been rejected from my final fellowship opportunity, resulting in my postdoc virtually disappearing before my eyes. Reading over the reviewers' comments was difficult, because I also learned that my letters of support were mixed. Something completely unexpected and surprising, both to myself as well as both my graduate advisor and my potential postdoc advisor. On top of this, Grey learned that his postdoc will be officially ending as of July, resulting in even more uncertainty for the future. All while he's away at a conference (on a good note, his talk went incredibly well with many people being very excited about his work). Add in trying to help troubled students, preparing my class for their last midterm and dealing with a teaching assistant who is more interesting in texting/playing on his computer instead of doing his job and you have the perfect setup for a meltdown.

So when I started getting zaps of pain focused in the vaginal area, cloudy urine, cramping when walking across campus and not feeling so great, it didn't take long for me to speculate the worst.

Thankfully, my new care providers didn't minimize my feelings of anxiety. Instead, they asked clarifying questions and then immediately scheduled an appointment to see me ASAP.

This morning, I made my way into the clinic for my first solo doctor's visit in about 3 years. Since starting this journey, I noticed a trend that any doctor's appointment I have alone ends badly, either with treatment being canceled, poor interactions with physicians or news of miscarriage. Hence I was nervous. So nervous that I barely slept last night. I broke down at 4 am to text Grey, allowing the tears to flow for the first time in a long time and was grateful that instead of trying to be the strong one, he empathized with me and confessed that he was scared too.

The appointment was a fast one, with all parties involved intent on working through their checklist to quickly identify any problems that may exist. After checking me in and getting vitals, they got a urine sample to rule out a UTI, then immediately followed with an ultrasound to check on the Beats. Beat B danced away while we discovered that Beat A had the hiccups. Both heartbeats were strong. Following this, they took some vaginal swabs to check for yeast and bacteria. Finally they measured my cervix, with all of us breathing a sigh of relief to find that it was low and long, at 3.7 cm.

The conclusion from today, the zaps and twinges are probably a combination of round ligament pain, uterine expansion and me being overwhelmed. We have our appointment scheduled for next week still as a follow-up, but the team was glad that I called them to come in to rule out something more urgent.

All I wanted to do after the appointment was curl up in someone's lap. To lay in a fetal position and simply be held. So you can imagine my response when I walked into my office and saw Ralphie this morning. Immediately I stripped myself of my bags and coat and wrapped my arms around her. It wasn't long before we were both curled up on the floor of my office with my head buried in her body. I'm sure this was quite a sight for all who passed, but in that moment I didn't care.

I'm calmer now, though the tears still come easily. Ralphie is currently off with her mom completing some data analysis. Just knowing she's here today helps. Knowing that there's a friend who doesn't need me to explain why I'm panicked and is more than happy to curl up with a hormonal pregnant infertile.

22 comments:

  1. Thank goodness for a great medical team and for a furry shoulder to cry on.

    I'm so glad that all is well with the Beats, but I'm sorry that you and Grey are facing so much uncertainty with your careers. I hope that particular pressure gets eased very soon. Thinking of you.

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  2. So happy that everyone is safe and sound. I know that fear will always be with you in a sense. The office dog, I love the office dog! We had one in the last office I worked out. She belonged to owner and took all her commands in French. I would keep doggie treats in my desk when we came to visit, LOL>

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  3. I am so relieved that everything is okay with the babies and that you have Ralphie to lean on! I'm sorry that things are so up in the air with the future. My thoughts are with you!!

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  4. Glad to read that you and the babies are doing well. Hope that the anxiety can be resolved and that you find a way to continue on with your postdoc work.

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  5. Dogs are seriously the best. I love coming home to my dogs as it is the best time of the day when their tails are thumping against the wall because they are so excited to see me. They make everything better. I'm jealous that you have an office dog- although I may not get anything done if I had an office dog.

    Glad that everything is going okay with the beats. I'm so sorry to hear about your fellowship opportunities. :-(

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  6. Thinking of you, as a fellow post-doc so hard to keep the faith that something good is going to come soon! I hate this career stage... so glad to hear that your beats are doing so well though, with twins I feel so uncertain at all times but its comforting to know they're still in there even when everything else feels so up in the air!

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  7. So glad to hear that you and the babies are okay! I will be sending lots of thoughts your way these next couple months as your life takes a different turn. I am so sorry to hear about the fellowship opportunities. :(

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  8. Dogs are amazing. Life savers, really. My co worker had round ligement pain around, it seemed pretty painful for her for a little bit. Hope you feel better soon!

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  9. First, that dog is making my heart melt. Give him a pat from the cat lady the next time you see him, please!

    I am glad you got checked out and so glad that you have broken the cycle of solo doctor appointments. I, too, have the same worry. I actually had a lot of the same discomforts early in pregnancy. We ruled out UTI but I still have been drinking 4 ounces of straight cranberry juice a night and I swear the painful zaps are gone and I pee with greater ease (does that make sense? It makes sense to me, but the rest of the world might be all "Um, Belle, that's straight crazy talk"). The unsweetened cranberry juice is a chore to get down. I recommend mixing with a lot of water or with a can of sparkling Orange La Croix.

    And now for the gloomy postdoc news - I only wish I didn't know how you felt. I know how annoying it is to hear that everything will work out when you are in the midst of career meltdown, so instead I'll say that I know you and Grey will find a way to make it work. I know that come hell or high water the Beats will be have an amazing home filled with love and smarts and, really, what more could they ask for? I'm here if you need anything or need to vent about the situation. xoxo

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  10. Oh, Cristy. I wish I could have been there to support you, but I'm here now to give you a virtual hug.

    Sorry about the fellowship news. And phooey on that TA! I am so glad that your doctor's appointment turned out the way it did. Phew!

    Thanks for taking care of our girl, Ralphie.

    XOXO

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  11. Shoot, I'm so sorry to hear about the fellowship rejection. A bunch of my friends who've just gotten their PhDs are really struggling to find work -- I can't imagine the stress of that on TOP of impending twins. But somehow, you'll pull through. There's always a way. And you still have some time. As to the vaginal zaps -- I've totally been having those too! They're so weird, and it's annoying because I can't quite isolate them. At least it seems like it's probably nothing to be concerned about... I'm thinking dehydration may be the culprit, but maybe that's silly.

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  12. It's so amazing that animals know when we need this kind of comfort and curl up with us. I'm really glad you had Ralphie since Grey was out of town. Next best thing, I say. Sorry you had to go through this on top of all the career uncertainty, it definitely is added stress you don't need right now.

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  13. So glad everything's all right. And that you had a friend waiting for you in your office.

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  14. That is quite a scare. I'm glad everybody is okay (a slight case of the hiccups aside!) and that Ralphie was there for you when you needed a cuddly friend.

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  15. Oh Cristy, this whole week sounds like a doozy. I am so glad that everything with the babes turned out ok and that they're still rocking and rolling in there. And with all the work crap on top of that? So frustrating and scary.

    One thing I know for sure - we are warriors and when stuff like this is thrown our way, we are experts at taking crappy situations and making the best of them. I know that you will find the strength to move through all of this and that there will be a very happy ending for you and Grey.

    Ralphie is adorable!!!!

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  16. OH, what a week! No wonder you're overwhelmed. And the scare on top of it! I love my dogs. They are my first born children. They have seen me through some of the worst days of my life. No matter what I can snuggle up to them and feel a little better. They are my saving grace on many an occasion. I'm so glad on this day of all days Ralphie was there for you. Sending all the hugs I can and hoping your recheck goes just as smoothly and quickly with a positive outcome next week!

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  17. I'm so glad it wasn't anything serious, but that doesn't make it any less scary!! Ralphie is adorable, and I'm glad he was there to comfort you!

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  18. That must have been a very scary week, and I'm so glad that you had caring doctors and Ralphie to help you through. I'm also so glad everything looks great with the Beats!

    As to the work stuff, my husband and I are in a similarly precarious position with academic appointments (or any work, really) at the moment. This past week I had a rejection letter for a position for which I had *great* connections, and they pile up, and they wear you down at times when worrying about family building are stressful and scary enough. All I can say is that I understand, and you're not alone, and tell you what I always tell my husband: we've been through much worse and we'll find a way to make it work come what may. You are Grey are obviously survivors too, and those babies of yours will have more than their share of love. Sending many hopeful wishes your way for better luck to find you soon!

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  19. Isn't it time for these scares to no longer happen???? You have already gone through so much, but I guess because of that it makes us extra sensitive to the possibility something may be wrong. I have to admit, my pup Sage, is the only thing that has gotten me through some really tough times. Dogs have that sixth sense and just seem to know how much we need them and it is oh so comforting. Glad Ralphie was able to do that for you, nothing like the love of a dog.

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  20. Oh, look at that face. She is adorable and I'm glad she is in your office, spreading some calm and comfort in the way only animals can. So sorry for the scare, but it's really good to hear that they took you in and checked everything out and that all is looking good. One day at a time. Sending hugs.

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  21. So sorry for the rejection. That must feel so tough and be so frustrating. I'm also so sorry that this scare happened around the same time. I really see why you needed Ralphie. I'm so glad she was there for you.

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  22. Glad all was/is well, and that you had a furry friend close by to offer comfort!

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