Tuesday, April 3, 2018


One week ago today, Grey and I loaded up the family and headed to a hotel by the airport. Over the next 24 hours we would fight exhaustion and stress, navigating 2 separate airport and all that was needed in between. I'll be honest and state there were moments where Grey wanted to slip me some of the sedatives Jaxson and Daisy were on (apparently I looked like a ghost after dealing with TSA), but somehow we survived.

And now we've been focusing on adjusting.

There's so much I forgot about the strangeness that came with arriving on the West Coast for the first time. The car-centric culture with wide streets and access to freeways. The distance between destinations. But most of all is the warm weather and sunshine; going from winter-like conditions to summer-like conditions has been unsettling.

Equally unsettling has been navigating the porch pirates and petty scams. One unexpected blessing of our Boston experience was having zero issues trespassing or package theft.

But the biggest adjustment is finding ourselves once again close to family. Over the weekend, Lucas and Moon invited us over to their home for Easter, which was an easy 30 min trek. It's the first time Moon has ever met the Beats and the cousins meeting one another. MIL is also currently in town celebrating her birthday, which has given her a chance to see the Beats in almost 3 years. And my brother is planning on visiting this coming weekend.

There's a lot of weirdness surrounding all these events and as we begin to establish a new normal and routine. Some days all I want to do is pull the covers back over my head, sleeping until my head isn't as foggy or allowing myself a glass of wine earlier in the evening.

But then there's seeing the foothills in the distance or watching the kids interact with one another. There's watching Jaxson and Daisy sun themselves on the patio. And finally there's seeing the smile on Grey's face that disappeared during our time in Boston; hearing the excitement he has once again about the future and life in general

This past week also marked 6 years since my second miscarriage, which I've been quietly dealing with. Normally this week is a harder one, with me hiding more from the world, but the truth is it feels like hope and light are finding there way back in to spaces of my heart that I didn't know were darkened. It's far from perfect and all of this has made me realize more healing needs to happen, yet its progress.

All of it part of adjusting, both to this new normal but also to a new chapter.


  1. Abiding with you as you grieve your loss from 6 years ago. xoxo.

    Finally, you are on the other side of this massive move. May you settle in well!

  2. It seems like the west coast move is bringing good changes!
    Adjusting is always an interesting experience but it seems like you're coming through the fog.

    I will say, I completely agree about the car-centric culture - I especially find it strange given the otherwise environmental/liberal leanings.

  3. Thinking of you and sending you love as you remember your loss -- seems like they just stay with you, some times hitting harder than others... Thinking on that grief as your life is upended can't be easy. Yeah, California is a totally different culture than the East Coast -- my dad moved out there when I was in 8th grade, and people were always like, "Wouldn't you like to go live out there?" and the answer was not really...I always felt like a pale grub next to all the beach rollerbladers, and the car thing is crazy out there. I read about porch pirates, but we don't really have those in Rochester. How do you deal? Do you put stuff on the back porch? Make sure you sign for stuff? Blech.

    I'm glad you survived the flight, and I hope that adjusting gets easier with each day. It's a culture shock, a climate shock, just a shock in general -- but I hope that you settle in and get to enjoy the plus sides sooner than later. The sunshine sounds quite lovely, although what's April without threat of snow, a lot of grays and browns, and crazy windstorms? Ha.

  4. What a huge thing you've been through. And are still facing. I am so glad that those dark nooks and crannies in your head and heart are beginning to be warmed and see the light.

    I sincerely hope that one day your miscarriage anniversary is a day when you can think of your loss with love, not pain. (Or only a little, fleeting twinge.) Sending hugs.

  5. Congratulations on the move. That’s a big deal! Wishing you the best during this complex time. Keep noticing the foothills, the cats and children and all the other little things. It will help keep you sane, and somehow I think you will make powerful memories for yourself to look back on. Also, I’m jealous of the warm weather. Wish I was there!

  6. Glad to hear you made it there in one piece (mostly??) & that you are all settling in nicely. It will be an adjustment, I'm sure, but it sounds like the positives already outweigh the negatives -- the weather in particular...!

    You've reminded me that I am lucky, living in a central hub like Toronto... we can fly to most major or mid-sized cities we go to or want to go to (in Canada or the U.S.) on a direct flight! Seems like everyone I know who lives in the States winds up taking jogs out of their way through Houston or Denver or Chicago and making transfers to get to wherever it is they really want to go...!

  7. Cheers to a new adventure! I admit, I'm definitely jealous of the nicer weather. I'm so sick of the cold. Sending you a hug as well. I'm thinking about you.

  8. Aww. I love reading that your family is in a happier - and warmer - place. That makes me so happy for you, after all you've been through. Are you able to take some time to slowly integrate into the new closer-to-family life? It seems like a lot all at once, even if it's a good sort of "lot." Maybe scaling back visits while you 'unpack?"

    Sending you my deepest sympathies over your loss anniversary. I'm thinking of you and your angel.


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