Thursday, April 19, 2018

Dealing with porch pirates

It started with 3 missing packages. In an effort to circumvent all the hassles we faced with our last move (i.e. no litterbox at 11 pm), I ordered a bunch of pet supplies and had the shipped to our new address. I knew we were risking things when I got an alert that the order was arriving a day earlier than planned, but I hoped that no one would be interested in cat food.

The order was quickly replaced when I couldn't find it, but the sizes of the boxes indicated they hadn't simply been misplaced. The next evening, I would find a young man hanging out in what was supposed to be a locked off area behind our unit. When confronted, he jumped and than accused me of racial profiling. Never mind he was trespassing.

Over the next couple of weeks I would be lulled into a false sense that the package theft incident was singular. During this time, a neighbor would start coming over to our complex, hanging out for hours on end in the carport area, watching me the whole time. But I wanted to believe it wasn't anything to be concerned about.

Until yesterday when the period of the loiterer on the property correlated nicely with another package disappearing. Him laughing wildly when he saw me come home. And then getting very agitated when the mother of his daughter dropped the little girl off, making his home address painfully clear.

Police reports have been filed (though let's be honest, the police aren't going to do a damn thing) and management has been alerted. Originally management assumed I was just being dramatic until they found the loiterer on the property, refusing to leave. Supposedly the police are going to show up, but who knows.

In the meantime, Grey and I are devising ways to handle porch pirates, given we have no firm evidence who the culprit is. We're rerouting all package deliveries to Grey's work (meaning now I owe the loading dock crew) while I'm looking into a lockbox/locking bag, investigating delivery services, looking into security cameras and other options. All while resisting the temptation to buy a bait box.

Sadly, as annoying as all of this is, it's still better than our previous rental situation (read no leaking oil tanks or lack of heat). A beast I can handle given we are living in a transitioning neighborhood. But given this is a growing problem, would love thoughts.


  1. That sucks. I would totally make a bait box. But then it sounds like you could possibly be setting yourself up for an escalation of revenge, and that wouldn’t be great. Plus, these dumbasses always find a way to turn it around and make it your fault, even though they were stealing.
    I guess I would get cameras and also not have things delivered to your door for a little while.
    I only ever had a package truly stolen once. And once they saw what was in it, the chucked it to a yard across the street so we found it, it had just been opened. It was a child’s heavy winter coat and Baby socks. Not sure what else they expected from Kohl’

  2. Your *neighbours* were stealing from you?! That just seems so dumb and short sighted, I just shake my head.

    1. Yes to dumb and short-sighted. But this guy is turfing because he knows he’s being pushed out. We’ve seen this before with others who have engaged in illegal activity (prostitution, drugs, etc), which is as it becomes clear they need to move on, there’s a final few acts of resistance they engage in before they ultimately leave. I suspect if he could pee to mark his territory he would, but instead loitering is the next best thing.

      It is within management’s interest to deal with him, including following through with trespassing charges. So it’s my job to enable them to do the screaming.

  3. Here's my suggestions:
    1) Rig a camera
    2) Empty the litter pan into an amazon box
    3) Write a letter that says something along the lines of "don't fuck with me again motherfucker I have a picture of your ugly ass face now"
    3) Tape the box up.
    4) Leave it sitting in the place wherever packages are placed
    5) Wait for karma

    It'll stop it from happening again, and he won't do a single thing because in order to he'd have to admit to stealing the package (and therefore mail fraud, which I believe is a federal crime).

    I can also be a bit of an asshole sometimes.

    1. Jaxson just took the smallest poop. Grey is literally outside coughing from the stink. Have this plus an Amazon box.

      Sadly no camera, but may be worthwhile moving forward with this plan.

    2. Pro tip: He doesn't know you don't have cameras. And cameras are small enough that they aren't necessarily easy to see.

  4. I think you are due to have good neighbors, not this!!

    Laughing at BentNotBroken. Funny scenario!

  5. I read this last week on a smaller device,so didn't respond. After BNB's response, what else is there to say? lol

  6. Ugh, welcome to the neighbourhood, eh?? Not sure what the answer is. But I like BnB's suggestion, lol. ;)


Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved