The good, the bad and the ugly

Change. The very nature of the process is scary. With change comes uncertainty, risk and vulnerability. Because of this change is stressful. Though there's always the promise of a good outcome, there's also the threat of messiness and loss along the way. These past couple of weeks have been one filled with lots of change. Grey and I have been busy making plans for the future, focusing on healing and transitioning for the next steps. With all of this has come an emotional piece that neither of us were truly prepared for.

There's been the good. Therapy with David and Dee has been helpful at identifying key issues and allowing us to work together as a couple. What we're learning is how strong our bond is and how both of us have not only the same fears and worries, but also the same dreams and goals. With the help of David, we are learning how to communicate all of this better and to find ways to overcome the damage caused by external stressors and toxic individuals. In addition to this, Grey and I started working on the paper work to begin the adoption process. We've been sorting through forms and triaging importance and attention. Some of the forms have been fairly straight forward, requiring only basic information or needing us to make appointments with others to help us complete them. Others have required more thought, answering questions about lifestyle, parenting plans, hopes for the future. In a lot of ways, these exercises have been beneficial as they've allowed us to work together and verify how many values and life-views we share. Granted, there's also an underlying sense of invasion and the realization that most parents don't give any of this much thought when they decide to expand their family. Still, we have both been trying to embrace the knowledge that there are many benefits to these exercises.


But with the good, there's also been the bad; the moments of frustration and grief. Grey and I are working daily on coming to terms with our new reality. Since making the decision to stop treatments, there's been an even more present feeling of isolation and exclusion. Friends we know in real life who had struggled with infertility have become absent, being silent since our last miscarriage. It's like their pregnancies cleansed them from infertility, so they are now quick to cut off any reminder of that time. Equally frustrating has been online support, where group members who are now pregnant or parenting after easily becoming pregnant complain about their current lot, wondering aloud about the "could-have-beens" when they have what Grey and I are breaking ourselves for. Yes, I know that life is difficult, but some if this feels superficial and makes us both feel even more isolated then we previously were.


And then there's the ugly: the things so few want or are willing to talk about. The past year has been spent putting our faith in modern medicine while putting everything else on hold for treatment. With the realization that modern medicine would not be the answer to finding our children, we began to start making plans to live again, pursing our dreams and goals. Yesterday we learned that by moving forward on that end, we may have to put the adoption process on hold. The agency we are looking into currently has an extended wait for matching birth parents with adoptive parents, with an average time now being 16 months instead of the 10-12 months. On top of this comes the knowledge that if we relocate outside of the state, we will have to complete a second homestudy because of this. Our initial path on this part of the journey is now blocked and we are at a loss for how to proceed. 


Last night while trying to calm myself, I came to the first of many ugly truths on this: I'm no longer willing to sacrifice everything for this process. I've been beaten up and ripped apart for the past year as we underwent treatment, all for 2 losses and a lot of heartache. I can't continue to do that and hope to be a fit parent. So I'm committing the ultimate infertile sin: I'm making a choice for me by pursuing career options that could result in putting adoption on hold. I'm keeping my interview and we will assess what needs to happen based on this information. Is it a good plan, hardly, but I think it's the right decision given what information we have. G_d knows this hurts, though, and with the hurt comes the envy towards those who will never have to make these choices. 

All in all, we're alive and we're trying to move forward. But the reality is, unlike before, our path is a much more rugged one, filled with many more obstacles and pitfalls. I'm sure there will be a day when we both can look back on this time and laugh, marveling at how naive we were and how we shouldn't have stressed about this or that, but being in the thick of it makes me wish we had some sort of a guide or even a more defined roadmap.

To lighten the mood.

It's Q&A season in the blog world and, as usual, I'm a bit late to the party. Thank you lovelytransitions for tagging me and giving me the opportunity to participate.  

Here are the rules:

1. Post the rules.
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
3. Create 11 new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
4. Tag 11 people and link them to your post.
5. Let them know you’ve tagged them.

1. What is your all-time favorite food?
Hmm, this is a hard one. There are so many different types of food that I enjoy, many dependent on my mood and the season. But I have comfort foods and this past week I've been craving one of them: Macaroni and Cheese.   

2. If you went to college, what was your major? If not, what was your favorite subject in high school?
Depends on which part of "college" we're talking about. I received my BS in Zoology and Botany (my university did not have a biology major at the time). Originally I intended to complete the Zoology degree and then pursue a career as an ecologist working on large mammals. The Botany major only required two additional courses, so I figured "why not" and decided to be more well-rounded. Following my first plant anatomy course, I was hooked. So hooked that I proceeded to pursue a senior thesis, which got me hooked on lab work. 10 years later, I received my PhD in Biology with a focus on Developmental Biology. My thesis focused on the molecular interactions of two plant hormones and how they work coordinately to regulate plant growth and development. 

3. If you could change one thing about your physical appearance, what would it be?
Did I mention my body and I are not really on speaking terms? So let's instead focus on what I like about my body. Right now, since I've started jogging again, I find I'm loving my feet. They have this amazing ability to sustain my balance in some of the most strange terrain. Plus I love walking around barefoot, feeling the coolness of the Earth. So I'm currently a huge fan of my feet.

4. Beach or mountains?
Both. Hence the reason I live in the Pacific Northwest. 

5. What is your favorite color?
Being plant-minded, green comes to mind. But I'm quickly becoming a fan of yellow as yellow = sunshine. 

6. How tall are you?
5'6" After many years trying to convince everyone that I was 5'7", I've given in to the fact that I am your average American female in this department. 

7. If you could go any one place in the world (money is not a factor) where would you choose to go?

Despite how much I want to travel, I haven't had much of a chance. Because of this, simply traveling the world would be awesome. Right now, the goal is to head south and visit friends in Brazil and Argentina. But ultimately I'd love to see the rest of the world.

8. Who is the biggest role model in your life?

Grey. He is my rock and my light. Whenever I feel like things are too hard, I just need to picture his smiling face and I know I can move forward. Without Grey, a lot of things would not have been possible. 

9. When you die, how do you want to be remembered?
As a stubborn woman who refused to let anything or anyone dictate how she would live her life. That and as someone who loved her children with her whole being.

10. Do you have a favorite quote? If so, what is it?

Robert Pirsig: "The solutions all are simple - after you have arrived at them. But they're simple only when you know already what they are."

Cicero: "Dum spiro spero" (While I breathe, I hope)

Mahatma Gandhi: "You must be the change you want to see in the world."

11. Make up your own question! : If you could change anything…
I'd find a way to relearn playing the piano and make the time to play music. I gave it up years ago, but music is an amazing thing. It heals the soul. Maybe an activity for the summer.

Alright, here are my questions:
1) What do you want to be when you grow up?
2) Do you have a favorite season? Which one and why?
3) What is your fondest memory (childhood, teenagehood or adulthood)?
4) Name one thing you absolutely love about your sweetheart.
5) Speaking of music: Hip-hop or hard rock?
6) Tell me one thing you did in the past week you are proud of.
7) Tell me one thing you love about your body.
8) What was your favorite childhood toy?
9) Share a funny story.
10) Looking back on this journey, what is one thing infertility has taught you?
11) Finally, in honor of Mel's picky eater posts, share with us the one food you think everyone needs to try before they die. Explain why.

Finally, the blogs (if you've already been tagged, I do apologize).

1) HRF @ Waiting for Little Feet
2) Shelley @ tales from the waiting room
3) Lora @ Hope Delayed
4) sass @ (In)fertility unexplained
5) Detour @ Detour to Motherhood
6) Jenny @ Sprout
7) Chanel @ Just waiting for my turn . . .
8) JM @ Meier Madness
9) Lindsay @ Tiny Bits of Hope
10) Emily @ a blanket 2 keep
11) Amanda @ My life in a nutshell

"To do" list

There are many methods for coping with anxiety: exercise, sleep, food, avoidance. Mine is "to do" lists. Whenever I'm stressed at work and need to gather my thoughts, I pull out a small sheet of paper and generate a list. The process helps me focus and prioritize. Plus there's something about checking off each item, no matter how big or small.

With Wednesday looming, I've been trying to complete as many tasks as possible to prepare for this FET. Some are practical, others are more ritual. But the knowledge my butt is going to be confined to the sofa for 24 hrs, with taking it easy the 48 hrs after that, I know I have to get things in order.

So, I figured I'd share with everyone my list (scratching off items that have been completed since yesterday). And give you some insight into the craziness Grey has to live with.

1) Clean the condo
   a) Scrub Bathroom
   b) Scrub Kitchen
   c) Mop
   d) Vacuum
   e) Dust
2) Laundry/Ironing
3) Visit Dentist for annual cleaning
4) Submit lesson plans for the rest of semester
5) Write Letter of Recommendation for student
6) Grade papers
7) Rank grant applications
8) Post reading list and problem sets for rest of semester
9) Post study guide
10) Submit receipts from fertility meds
11) Pay for FET cycle
12) Write lectures
13) Have pre-Transfer meal = Pho
14) Shave legs
15) Paint toes
16) Jog/walk for 30 mins (one down, one more to go)
17) Meditate
18) Floss
19) Post photo of fertility socks (THANK YOU TONI AND NICOLE!!)
20) Charge iPod for Transfer
21) Breathe

Totally doable, right?

How villans are created

Many years ago, Grey brought home a copy of Joseph Campbell's "The Hero with a Thousand Faces." This book is considered a seminal work, which explores the theory that important myths from around the world which have survived for thousands of years all share a fundamental structure, focused around the journey of an archetypal hero. 

A hero ventures forth from the world of common day into a region of supernatural wonder: fabulous forces are there encountered and a decisive victory is won: the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure with the power to bestow boons on his fellow man.

Though I've never read this work (shame on me, I know), Grey and I had multiple discussions based on the different passages, particularly those focusing on the hero's time in the supernatural world, facing trials and seeking to obtain the end goal or the boon.

The key to the hero, though, is that somehow, he or she is victorious in the end. Yes, there may be loss along the way. Great loss, but the hero always obtains the boon at the end of the story, be it treasure, rescuing the maiden in distress, or peace and freedom.

But what happens when the hero fails? Instead of emerging victorious, the hero is beaten?

I've been thinking about this a lot as we've progressed on this journey. Especially in light of this FET cycle. After 2+ yrs of actively trying for a baby, 3 failed IUIs and an IVF cycle that ended in miscarriage, we're still without a child in our arms. And though our journey has not been as long as others, it's been very hard to continue fighting after each of these failed trials.

Equally hard has been trying to be part of life when you feel like an outsider. Unlike most women, pregnancy is not a given for me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to become pregnant again and, even if I'm that lucky, if I'll be able to carry that child to term. Because of this, I've found I can no longer react to other people's news with joy and excitement. It's never been about me not being happy for them; but to me pregnancy is no longer a guarantee and I'm no longer naive.

So, for many in life, I'm now viewed as the villan. I'm the villan when someone surprises me with news that they are expecting again and I excuse myself after mumbling a quiet congratulations. I'm the villan when someone goes on and on complaining about how difficult it is to raise a child after starting the conversation with "you don't know how lucky you are."

What's change recently is my recognition for how villans are created. That most people rarely start out life this way but instead are created over time due to years of abuse and neglect. The funny thing about all of this is how few people are willing to acknowledge the process of this creation, instead throwing blame at the direction of the villan for making choices to take the path they are on. Rarely do we step back and acknowledge that though there are choices, sometimes those choices were made as a form of protection, of self-preservation.

That maybe the only really difference between heros and villans is success.

On Wednesday, Grey and I begin this hard journey again. The past few weeks of being on medication has really been more like a dream state, with us being pretty unaffected outside of the drug-induced mood-swings. The thing is, I'm preparing myself for another failure, for the pain that will come in the aftermath. Despite everyone telling me that this can work, I'm finding it difficult to believe that it will. Because after 2+yrs, what will be different this time? And I hate myself for feeling this way, because it's really not about me on Wednesday. It's about our snowbabies. And I already feeling like I'm failing them.

Three more days of being in limbo. Desperately searching for hope.

Little bit about me

There's been a number of "trivia" style posts going around lately, but the one from Lora at Hope Delayed found me while I'm waiting oh so patiently for Wednesday.  Here goes:
  

1. What's your favorite chick flick?

Thelma and Louise. I still love idea of breaking free from it all and hitting the road. Lately the breaking free would be me leaving behind infertility. That or shooting it in the ass.

2. Your favorite song from high school?

Candlebox: Far Behind. Memories of sitting in a car on a summer evening with this song playing over and over. Enough said.

3. Do you still live in the same area you were born in?

No. In fact, this was one of my biggest fears growing up. I remember being in high school and having a panic attack (though I didn't know what it was at the time) at the thought of never leaving the midwest. Attending college at a school 2 1/2 hours from home was a step in the right direction, but it wasn't until 2001 when I broke expectations and moved out to the Pacific NW with a small amount of savings and the mindset that "things were either going to work out or I'd have a fantastic story to tell" that the adventure really began. 

4. Tell me about how you met your husband?

Grey and I met where most science-minded geeks meet: in the lab. He was a first-year graduate student rotating through the lab I was working as a technician in. Initially, we didn't get along. He thought I was pushy and rude (I was mad because I had spent all this time rearranging space and then he didn't show up for a week. I later learned he was out sick with the flu). I thought he was a frat boy because of rumors of the company he kept. What changed all of that was attending a show together; all my lab mates ditched us at the last minute, which left the two of us alone for the night, drinking, talking and dancing. Lucky for me, he had already picked another lab to do his graduate work in. We were married 1 year and 1 month later.

5. What was the color theme in your wedding?

Summer outdoor wedding in WA state. My bridesmaids wore sundresses, each with their color of choice. After the gloom of the winter, I was so happy just to see some color again. But being that WA is the Evergreen state, green and ivory became the unofficial colors of the ceremony. 

6. Who's your celebrity crush?

Richard Armitage. The first performance I saw him in was the BBC miniseries "North & South" as John Thorton. The last scene where John kisses Margaret Hale melted my heart. Add in the fact that he joined the circus in Budapest to get his Equity Card, and it's hard not to crush on this guy. Current project to watch for is his role as Thorin in "The Hobbit." 

7. What's your favorite hobby?
Oh. This is a hard one. I don't really have one hobby nor do I have anything I'm exceptionally good at. I knit, am learning to sew, love to hike, ski and climb, bake when the mode strikes. Grey's the chef, but he's insisting I learn more, as he fully intends to die before I do. So basically, I'm a dabbler.

8. Barefoot or flip-flops?

Barefoot. If given the opportunity (and if the streets were cleaner), I'd never wear shoes.  

9. Beach vacation or sightseeing?

This is also a hard one. I always love going to the beach, finding peace in the roll of the ocean. But, given the opportunity to travel, I'd love to see Europe, China, Southeast Asia. All the history and the variety of cultures. Can't I do both?

10. What have you gained from blogging about IF?
In the short time I've been blogging, more than I ever expected. I've found community hear, learned it's okay to voice my opinions, the importance of reaching out to support and be supported. But most importantly, I've found my voice. For the first time in many years, I'm not afraid to speak what's on my mind, no matter how unpopular it may be. This has brought so much peace.

11. What have you learned from your battle with IF?
Seriously, there's not enough room here to tell you what I've learned from this journey. So I'll make it brief. I've learned the best laid plans rarely work out the way we want. That there is no "perfect" time. That I am stronger than I ever believed myself to be. That family is not defined by blood. That you always have a choice. That marrying Grey was the best decision I ever made. I've walked through hell with this man, living with "the worse." And I can't imagine doing it with anyone else.

Now my questions for these lovely ladies

Warrior Woman at Endometriosis
TracySue at Journey to Somewhere
Chanel at Just Waiting for My Turn
Chickenpig at Better Full Than Empty

1. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
2. Name one individual who's made an impact on your life?
3. Wine or beer?
4. What was the craziest thing you've ever done?
5. What's your favorite color?
6. What's your favorite board game?
7. If you were stranded on a deserted island with only one book, what would it be?
8. Pirate or ninja?
9. Favorite Girl Scout cookie?
10. If you had a million dollars, what would you do?
11. What lesson from IF will you pass on to your children?

Redefining family

Many years ago, a piece was circulating via email about Urban Tribes and their role in a person's development during their single years. I really liked this piece for a few different reasons, because I was never much of a dater yet I had a good support system through my friends.

What stuck with me through all of these years, though, was this idea of family. Traditionally, we've defined family as being composed of individuals who are genetically related: you have a mother, a father, grandparents, aunts and uncles and siblings. The phrases "blood is thicker than water" and telling someone "we're the same blood" have been ways to emphasize the strong tie family has and how important it is to us and our society.

So what happens when blood relatives let you down? In the case of infertility, this will happen more times than not and to varying degrees. Whether it's parents prying too much about when you're going to have children, a relative's remark about how you just need to get a surrogate, a cousin talking for hours upon hours about how difficult is it to be pregnant, or learning your younger sister is pregnant. In an ideal world, we cry, but the love and support for one another would help us through those difficult times, building strength within the family.

But sometimes this doesn't happen. Sometimes, in all the excitement of a grandchild, your mother tells you to get over yourself because your sister is going through something really hard. Sometimes you're told you're being selfish, that you brought this on yourself. Sometimes "family" causes more harm than good.

About 5 months ago, I made the difficult decision to cut off contact with my family. Infertility was not the reason for this, but it certainly was the straw that broke the camel's back. For years I've had a difficult relationship with my mother, filled with multiple incidents of abuse, mainly verbal but also some physical. Still, I hung onto the relationship because I craved family. I craved it so much that shortly before my official diagnosis, I tried confiding in both my parents about my pain and sorrow of not being able to conceive.

My sister's announcement that she was pregnant was a blow, but I was determined to be there for her and support her. What drove a wedge was not her being pregnant, but her using her pregnancy as a weapon to attack when an argument ensued. What continued to make things difficult was the gossiping that was happening on both sides of the family, with Grey and I being judged continually and told to "just relax." But the final straw was an email in August, where I was told that Grey and I should adopts my cousin's son because the state was pulling him from the home. It was only following a heated phone conversation, where I indicated that Grey and I were not ready for that path, that I was told "no child you adopt will ever be yours."

Since then, I've found that I've been in a process of redefining "family." During this journey, both Grey and I have met many people on the same path, forging new relationships. In addition, our relationships with  some friends and family in the Pacific NW has strengthen, with them being huge sources of support during this period in our lives. But probably the biggest change has been finding this community; finding others who are on this journey to share stories. Initially it was a place to gain information and read about others people's experiences, resulting in my feeling a lot less lonely when everyone around me was able to get pregnant so easily. What I never expected was to form friendships with a number of bloggers nor that in my darkest hours, it would be getting those emails that would help me through those moments of grief.

In a non-traditional sense, while living on the island of IF, we come together as a tribe; we redefine our family. My family is no longer restricted to a blood relatives, it includes kindred spirits, women and men I've met during this journey who understand my grief, my excitement and even my dreams. In during moments of crisis and joy, we come together to support one another, despite different points of view and being at different points in our journey.

Ethan Watters said it best:

 Tribal behavior does not prove a loss of ''family values.'' It is a fresh expression of them.

Lovely

Warning: This post contains references to rape and loss. If this is a trigger for you, PLEASE do not read any further. 

Over the weekend, I finally had the opportunity to watch "The Lovely Bones." I read Alice Sebold's novel in 2002 when it was circulating on the New York Time's Bestseller list and managed to devour the book within a week. The story is not an easy one, nor does it have a classic happy ending, but I found following the aftermath of the main character's death to be an interesting insight into how a family copes and grows.

The film is definitely not as good as the novel, but I found watching it brought back thoughts from when I was first reading the book, particularly what I was thinking about each of the characters. In general, I had no issues empathizing with all of them (minus the killer): I could connect with Susie while she remembered her life on Earth, her father Jack as he sought out him daughter's killer, her sister Lindsey and her little-brother Buckley as they dealt with growing up in the aftermath of this tragedy and even Susie's eccentric grandmother Lynn. But, no matter how hard I tried, I had trouble connecting with one of the characters: Susie's mother, Abby. From her initial criticism of her husband following Susie's disappearance, to the affair and finally her abandoning her children, I remember reading about Abby's actions with disgust. How could a mother be so selfish? How could she abandon here children, her family, in its time of need? I didn't understand her, her motivations or why she would be so destructive following the loss of her daughter.

10 years later, while watching the film, something clicked. I picked up the novel again, rereading the different portions that detailed Abby's actions and disgraces.  And for the first time, I understood.

Before I share with you my thoughts, I need to start by talking about how our culture deals with death and loss. Normally, we honor the dead publicly, holding a funeral where all who knew the person can pay their respects and say good-bye. But there are rules with this: loved ones are expected to grieve in a certain manner and only for a certain period of time. In general, these rules are not challenged, as most people have a way of finding closure with the loss and are able to move on.

But what happens when the loss is mingled with something horrifying? In Abby's case, her 14-yr-old daughter is raped, murdered and her body never found. Instead of being allowed to grieve this loss, she is dealing with another level wrapped in shame and guilt. Though she is in no way responsible for her daughter's death, she is wrapped in guilt. For the rest of her life, she must deal with the shoulda-coulda-wouldas.

In a way, Abby's loss is similar to the loss caused by infertility. With infertility, one day you decide to start a family assuming all while be well, while with Abby, one day she is simply making dinner and wondering why her teenage daughter is running late. Then something changes and our world is turned upside down. Like Abby, we are immediately thrown into a state of grief, shock and fear. We turn looking for help and answers, but we find that our support system is not as robust as we originally thought. Some are able to be our rocks, but many are lost as what to do and begin to pull away. As time goes on, people begin to hint that we need to move on because life is too short. But the thing is, how does one move on when the answers are not so simple? For Abby, having a memorial will not give her the closure she needs because of the nature of this loss. For IFers, resolving is not a simple decision, but usually a process that requires time, money and even counseling before we can move forward. In the end, it's not as easy as everyone would like us to believe.

Recent events from the last month have really pushed me to my limits emotionally and physically. And there were points where I literally wanted to pack a bag and walk away from it all. What's stopped me is the relationship I have with Grey and the love from good friends who have been an unending source of support. While rereading the passages about Abby, I realized that she didn't have any of this. Despite being surrounded by family, she was alone. And because of her grief, she lashed out by having an affair and then tried to escape from all of it. Don't get me wrong, her actions were selfish. But to villainize her because of these mistakes is wrong. It's wrong because her family failed her too.

The last month has been one that, if I could, I would want to forget for the most part. The bright spots have been the realization that my support network is strong and amazing. Without it, I'm sure I would have thrown in the towel long ago. Instead, I'm trudging along, holding onto hope. This network has been something I cherish and know first hand how hard it is to build. But in a way, I'm lucky. Because now I know who to turn to when my world comes crashing down. I know beter how to communicate with Grey so that instead of being a burden, I can also be a source of support when we get unhappy news.

In a weird way, I'm lucky.

Brief update: bloodwork revealed that I have not ovulated, so we are officially on hold until AF shows up. I'm thinking it will be in the next couple of weeks as my eye has a nice patch of eczema around it at the moment. But I don't have a crystal ball and, frankly, it's out of my hands.

I get by with a little help from my friends

First off, for anyone who follows Jay's blog (The Two Week Wait), please stop by and send her some love.

As mentioned in my previous post, I've decided that to make the most of this down-time prior to FET and made a list of things to do. So far, the jogging hasn't happened due to a very busy week with my students, nor have I started meditating. What I have been good at though is relaxing. Last night was spent sitting on the couch with Grey and flipping through cookbooks for recipes to try over the weekend. Tonight was an impromptu stop at a local restaurant for good food and some wine. Tomorrow I have a date with the tub and I nice bottle of Claret.

What really started all of this was a phone call from a good friend, K. Though not living with infertility, K has been a constant source of support on this TTC journey. Following being diagnosed, while others pulled away, she made a point of contacting me, listening when I needed a shoulder to cry on and cheering us on through many rounds of treatment. So when I told her about my "change" list of FET, she immediately offered to help: this Saturday we are hitting the spa for some girl time. Her reasoning behind this decision is based on two things: 1) we've both earned it and 2) some things are best left to professionals.

I've been reflecting on friendships lost and made since our diagnosis with infertility. I'd be lying if I said that every relationship has remained intact while I've been on this path. But I'd also be lying if I didn't admit the role infertility has played in strengthening many of my relationships. As much of a curse being on this road has been (physically, emotionally and psychological), there has been the blessing that all fair-weather friends, toxic friends, friends with ulterior motives and "frenemies" have vanished from my life. I no longer have time or energy to be supportive of those who view me as someone to compete with, emotionally drain or simply hang around when everything is okay. What's been replaced in those voids have been women and men who have offered unlimited kindness, unfaltering support and love. Some of these people have been part of our lives for years and our bond has only strengthen because of this journey. Others have come from unexpected sources: work, online and even through random chance. This has been the most unexpected and wonderful part of this journey.

This past month tested some of these relationships to their very core. And though it was quiet for a few days following the D&C, I knew in my heart it was not because no one cared but because they were respecting my space and giving me time to grieve. As I've been coming out of that dark period, I've begun to get back into contact with people, letting them know that though wounded, I'm still not broken. The response has been amazing, with messages of support and love when it would be all too easy to say "hey, that's great, but you know you're kinda bringing me down." Sure, there have been moments that haven't been perfect, but the fact so many have reached out to me in my time of need leaves me in awe.

So, to each and every single one of you who have followed me these past couple of months, cheering me on during the good moments and offering words of support and love during the bad ones, I want to say thank you. This journey isn't over, but I know I have the strength to move on because of all of you.

******
Quick update on the FET cycle: blood draw tomorrow morning to determine whether or not I've ovulated. I've already been warned that due to the D&C, there's a good chance that this cycle is anovulatory, meaning that I wouldn't be able to start meds till have AF arrives. So tomorrow I'll either have the green light or we'll be back on hold.

Of sore boobs, hummingbirds and First Aid Kits

I've gotta ask: has anyone had sore boobs after a miscarriage? I've been experiencing shooting pain through both breasts the past couple of days. Completely new experience for me. And before anyone gets overly excited, I'm fairly certain this is not a pregnancy symptom.

In other news, I have a pair of Anna's hummingbirds who have decided to stay the winter with us. I never saw hummers as a child, so I've been completely fascinated by them and am learning so much (had NO idea these guys could perche and chirp). Anyway, I'm currently at the mercy of these two nuggets as I'm trying to make sure that they are well feed. And are they particular! I made the mistake of not replacing their food for a couple of days and also letting it freeze. Boy did they let me have it! For the record, Grey thinks it's both funny and sad for me to be apologizing profusely to something that weighs less than a pound. Can't help it, though. Anyway, does anyone know anything about hummingbird shelters/ houses? I know they make nests, but I don't know if they're for long-term shelter.

Finally, I was listening to NPR and KEXP the other day on the way to work and found a new band called First Aid Kit. As it's rainy and cold here in Western Washington State, this music has been warming my heart.

Happy Sunday, everyone! May this next week be a good one.