Just when you think you've got it all figured out . . .

Today I had an appointment with Dee. Following the news on Monday, Grey thought it would be worth mentioning to her what we learned about the agency we had chosen to see if she had any suggestions. Honestly, we both expected her to give me the this-is-the-way-things-go speech. So you can imagine my surprise (and delight) when she looked at me cross-eyed.

Dee: "16 months? Really?"

Me: "Yep"

Dee: "Why so long?"

Me: "No clue, other than a number of couples that had been on the wait-list for so long finally were picked. Oh, and they told us to hold off on the homestudy until after we move."

Dee: "Meaning hold off for a year. So, instead, the process would take you ~ 2 yrs"

Me (fighting back tears): "Yes."

Cue eye-roll from Dee.

Before I continue, I need to take a moment to again point out how amazing it's been to have a therapist who specializes in infertility/loss and adoption. Dee has helped me through both miscarriages and a failed FET. I shudder to think about where I would be mentally and emotionally without her help. In short, this woman is awesome. I really didn't think she could get much better.

And then I saw what came next.

Following recovering from her eye-roll, Dee launched into a lecture about "homestudy updates" and how this agency's reasoning was probably wrong. During this time, she fished out her laptop and opened up her contact list. After doing some typing, she looked at me.

Dee: "Cristy, have you and Grey thought about private adoption?"

Me (gulping): "Yes. But all the stories I've heard have been scary. The scams, the possibility for getting yourself into legal trouble quickly. The fail rates. We figured it would be better to go through an agency. Why?"

Dee: "Because I think you two are great candidates for it. It's faster, it's a bit more hands and, with the right people, it can be a very positive experience. Just as it was for my husband and me."

Dee then shared her adoption story with me. I knew she had adopted and is a huge advocate for the process. But I didn't know the details. When she finished, she pulled out her notepad and began to write. Within 2 minutes, I was staring at two names, A and P, and contact information.

Dee: "I've known A and P for 20 yrs. They are highly skilled and I think they've started an agency. Contact them. I think you and Grey would really enjoy working with them."

I spent the rest of our session alternating between laughter and tears.


Following my session, I texted Grey. Within 5 texts, he called me, surprised about the information. At one point, he asked if I was certain about my information. When I told him, "it's coming from Dee," he stopped and started to laugh.


This afternoon, both Grey and I got into contact with A and P (I called A and he called P). A and I chatted for 20 minutes and she asked if we would be willing to meet her in August. Grey talked with P and, in addition to sending him some resources, told him that she'd be more than happy to do our homestudy. 


So, as of today, we are no longer on hold. At the end of my session, I promised Dee that we wouldn't push the process and that we would also focus on healing. But now I feel like there's a purpose. 


Aw, life. How I love you. Let it never be said that it's been boring.

The good, the bad and the ugly

Change. The very nature of the process is scary. With change comes uncertainty, risk and vulnerability. Because of this change is stressful. Though there's always the promise of a good outcome, there's also the threat of messiness and loss along the way. These past couple of weeks have been one filled with lots of change. Grey and I have been busy making plans for the future, focusing on healing and transitioning for the next steps. With all of this has come an emotional piece that neither of us were truly prepared for.

There's been the good. Therapy with David and Dee has been helpful at identifying key issues and allowing us to work together as a couple. What we're learning is how strong our bond is and how both of us have not only the same fears and worries, but also the same dreams and goals. With the help of David, we are learning how to communicate all of this better and to find ways to overcome the damage caused by external stressors and toxic individuals. In addition to this, Grey and I started working on the paper work to begin the adoption process. We've been sorting through forms and triaging importance and attention. Some of the forms have been fairly straight forward, requiring only basic information or needing us to make appointments with others to help us complete them. Others have required more thought, answering questions about lifestyle, parenting plans, hopes for the future. In a lot of ways, these exercises have been beneficial as they've allowed us to work together and verify how many values and life-views we share. Granted, there's also an underlying sense of invasion and the realization that most parents don't give any of this much thought when they decide to expand their family. Still, we have both been trying to embrace the knowledge that there are many benefits to these exercises.


But with the good, there's also been the bad; the moments of frustration and grief. Grey and I are working daily on coming to terms with our new reality. Since making the decision to stop treatments, there's been an even more present feeling of isolation and exclusion. Friends we know in real life who had struggled with infertility have become absent, being silent since our last miscarriage. It's like their pregnancies cleansed them from infertility, so they are now quick to cut off any reminder of that time. Equally frustrating has been online support, where group members who are now pregnant or parenting after easily becoming pregnant complain about their current lot, wondering aloud about the "could-have-beens" when they have what Grey and I are breaking ourselves for. Yes, I know that life is difficult, but some if this feels superficial and makes us both feel even more isolated then we previously were.


And then there's the ugly: the things so few want or are willing to talk about. The past year has been spent putting our faith in modern medicine while putting everything else on hold for treatment. With the realization that modern medicine would not be the answer to finding our children, we began to start making plans to live again, pursing our dreams and goals. Yesterday we learned that by moving forward on that end, we may have to put the adoption process on hold. The agency we are looking into currently has an extended wait for matching birth parents with adoptive parents, with an average time now being 16 months instead of the 10-12 months. On top of this comes the knowledge that if we relocate outside of the state, we will have to complete a second homestudy because of this. Our initial path on this part of the journey is now blocked and we are at a loss for how to proceed. 


Last night while trying to calm myself, I came to the first of many ugly truths on this: I'm no longer willing to sacrifice everything for this process. I've been beaten up and ripped apart for the past year as we underwent treatment, all for 2 losses and a lot of heartache. I can't continue to do that and hope to be a fit parent. So I'm committing the ultimate infertile sin: I'm making a choice for me by pursuing career options that could result in putting adoption on hold. I'm keeping my interview and we will assess what needs to happen based on this information. Is it a good plan, hardly, but I think it's the right decision given what information we have. G_d knows this hurts, though, and with the hurt comes the envy towards those who will never have to make these choices. 

All in all, we're alive and we're trying to move forward. But the reality is, unlike before, our path is a much more rugged one, filled with many more obstacles and pitfalls. I'm sure there will be a day when we both can look back on this time and laugh, marveling at how naive we were and how we shouldn't have stressed about this or that, but being in the thick of it makes me wish we had some sort of a guide or even a more defined roadmap.

Ready, Set, Socks!

Okay, here's the list. I decided to try pairing everyone off, as last time it gave everyone a chance to get to know their partner. Remember, all participants need to contact their partners within the next 24hrs. If you do not hear from your partner(s), please leave a comment here.

• Toni @ Who is the "Fertile Myrtle?" and Trisha @ theelusivesecondline
• Alicia @ Queen of the Slipstream and aglimpseinsidemyjourney @ A Glimpse Inside
• Leslie @ The Journey Through Life . . .  and Teresa (Leslie, please leave a comment and I'll send you Teresa's contact info. Teresa, please visit Leslie's blog)
• Elizabeth @ Bebe Suisse and Lola @ Waiting for Baby
• Amy @ Dwelling on Dreams and Kristin @ Return to Go
• Hapa Hopes @ Hapa Hopes and EmHart @ Follow Every Rainbow
• readyformymiracle @ Ready For My Miracle and marisa s (readformymiracle, please leave a comment and I'll send you Marisa's contact info. Marisa, please visit readyformymiracle's blog)
• Shelley @ Tales from the Waiting Room and Amanda @ Reading Each Page
• Lindsay @ Tiny Bits of Hope and Emily @ A Blanket 2 Keep
• AG @ Zritel'nitsa and Court @ Our Pathway to Parenthood (AG, Court is currently in the hospital with severe OHSS. She has provided me with her contact info, so leave me a comment and I'll send it to you,)
• Rochelle @ for all the things we hope for and StacyLee @ Conceptionally Challenged
• And finally, a three way split: Her Royal Fabulousness @ Waiting for little feet and Alexis @ Our Journey Through This Lovely Life and Stork Chaser @ Dog Mom Chasing the Stork

Summer sock exchange list

So, about that reminder. Yeah. Been a bit distracted lately. But, we have a list of participants. Please check over it and let me know if I missed you or if you want to be taken off.

One final note: based on the comments, I'm thinking of renaming these as "ALI socks" instead of "Fertility socks." Thoughts?

Here's the list:

• Toni @ Who is the "Fertile Myrtle?"
• Her Royal Fabulousness @ Waiting for little feet
• aglimpseinsidemyjourney @ A Glimpse Inside
• StacyLee @ Conceptionally Challenged (thanks for the shout out StacyLee!)
• Leslie @ The Journey Through Life . . . 
• Shelley @ Tales from the Waiting Room
• Lola @ Waiting for Baby
• Trisha @ theelusivesecondline (Trisha, let me know if you're still interested. Toni wants to be paired with you)
• returntogobaby @ Return to Go
• Rochelle @ for all the things we hope for
• readyformymiracle @ Ready For My Miracle
• Emily @ A Blanket 2 Keep
• Hapa Hopes @ Hapa Hopes
• AG @ Zritel'nitsa
• EmHart @ Follow Every Rainbow
• Elizabeth @ Bebe Suisse
• Teresa
• marisa s (Marisa, please send me your contact information)
• Amanda @ Reading Each Page
• Lindsay @ Tiny Bits of Hope
• Alicia @ Queen of the Slipstream
• Stork Chase @ Dog Mom Chasing the Stork
• Amy @ Dwelling on Dreams
• Alexis @ Our Journey Through This Lovely Life
• Court @ Our Pathway to Parenthood

Please let me know ASAP if there are any changes. Also, if for some reason your exchange partner is not responding, please, please, PLEASE contact me. Infertility/Loss is hard. Feeling left out of a sock exchange is just salt in the wound.

Crossroads

Saturday morning, I woke up early to help Grey stave off a headache. The stress and the grief from the news on Friday had brought on yet another potential migraine, so we both knew how important it was to tackle it early. Three cups of coffee and some tylenol later, we were sitting in bed talking about the events from the last 2.5 yrs. Together, we recapped everything that had happened, marveling at the journey so far.

I remember back before we decided to try for children imagining what it would be like to be childless. There was no better way to bring on the tears than to imagine everyone around me pregnant or cuddling their children while my arms were empty. Yet on Saturday, despite the fact that I was now living the thing I feared so deeply, I felt a sense of relief. Gone was the anxiety caused by this image of never being able to become pregnant. For the first time in almost 2 yrs, I felt peace.

The past few days, I feel myself waffling between moments of utter calm and moments of despair. On one hand, the jealousy I use to feel when seeing a pregnant women or couples with infants/small children is gone. On Sunday, I was able to watch a family play with their daughter while at a coffee shop, an activity that would have previously been a source of pain that was now something I could marvel at. At other moments, though, I find myself sobbing for what has been lost.

Something else has shifted, though.  Something that I never expected. With the decision to halt treatments and the reflection on Saturday came the realization that both Grey and I have been playing it safe these past few years. We've stopped taking risks, be it in our careers, our home life and even in our extra curricular activities all in the hopes of building a family. Yes, stability is important for children. But too much stability leads to stagnation. Stagnation leads to rot, decay and regret. Stagnation leads to "what ifs" and lost dreams. Stagnation is a poison. And we were slowly dying because of this stagnation.

So on Saturday, we decided to start taking some risks again. For both Grey and I, our careers are our tickets to adventure. Grey is nearing the end of his postdoc and I am in a place of transition, where I could easily settle into a comfortable position. Instead, we decided to pursue our contacts in Boston with me hoping to line up a much desired postdoc. The position would not be easy, with me having to learn many new skills in a very short period of time, but the work is fascinating and it will open so many doors for the future. The interview is at the end of July.

In addition to the career, I made a decision that it's time to focus on becoming healthy. And I'm not just talking about being physically healthy. With the help of David and Dee, I've began delving into my childhood, reliving some of the more painful memories of abuse and neglect. For the first time, I started talking about what I actually had lived through, sharing my insights with them and Grey in the hope that we could work together towards finding a resolution and breaking the cycle. These first few sessions have already been challenging and there are moments where all I want to do is crawl back into my cave and pretend that all of this is a nightmare. Yet, I know I can't. I can't because I need to be healthy for the road ahead. I can't because my children deserve someone better. After everything I've lived through, I deserve a better me too.

And finally, we've begun preparing ourselves for the next leg of this journey. With our upcoming seminars comes a list of required readings about open adoption. I've ordered the books and we've downloaded the questionares. In addition, I've begun hunting for blogs and additional resources about adoption, hoping to glean knowledge about this process from those who have walked this road ahead of us.

On Monday, Grey and I celebrated our 8 yr wedding anniversary be staring at the crossroads. While most couples spend their anniversaries at a celebratory dinner, we spent the night making plans for the journey ahead and patching our wounds. At one point, Grey held my hand and looked deep into my eyes. "At least I have you," he said before he wrapped his arms around me. All I could think of was how lucky I was at the moment. And clinging to him, I promised him that we would always have one another.

I promised him that somehow, some way, it would be okay.

Summer Fertility Sock Exchange

Alright ladies, I need a distraction.

I've recently been getting lots of comments/questions about Fertility Socks. Again, the idea is not my own and those who are not familiar with them should read here and here.  I will add one change to this exchange: it is open to anyone touched by infertility/loss. Though the original idea was to have something interesting to wear while in the stirrups (either as a conversation starter or to keep your feet warm in style) I've come to realize that we all could use a reminder that we are not alone, be it we are starting our journey, in the thick of it, or resolved and living with the memories.

Here are the rules:
1) Leave a comment below to let me know if your interested. This exchange is open to anyone who has been touched by IF/miscarriage/infant loss, be it you're currently in treatment, preparing for treatment, recently diagnosed, pregnant after IF, parenting after IF, pursing adoption, living child-free or even supporting someone dealing with IF.

2) Once you've received your recipient's names, please contact them within 24 hrs. Recipients, please response within 24 hrs too. This is incredibly important so that everyone has all the necessary information. For those who will be difficult to contact, please leave an additional comment with your contact information. I will not publish it, but it will help with making the connections.

3) Socks do NOT need to be handmade. Again, when I originally started doing this, I did it because I'm a crazy knitter who in addition to wanting to give something that was handmade also uses knitting as a form of therapy. Please do not feel that you need to learn to knit, crotchet or sew in order to participate. And there are some amazing sock stores out there.

4) If you can no longer participate in the exchange, please contact me immediately. Yes, life happens and unseen circumstances can require you to focus your energy elsewhere. (Trust me, I get it.) But please don't leave your recipient hanging. I'm more than happy to reassign, as long as I'm aware that you can no longer participate.

Deadline for participation is Wednesday June 27th. I'll post a reminder as the deadline comes closer.

Learning to say goodbye

The past 36 hrs have been hard ones. The beta from today marked the end of a 2.5 yr journey towards pregnancy and biological children. There have been tears and anger. Despair and numbness. We both feel lied to, blaming ourselves and the world for this pain. Yet, in the end, both Grey and I know that this is the end. We've fought a good fight; it's time to let go.

The struggle for us now is grieving and saying goodbye to the children we wanted so desperately. These past few months, the image of them has slowly faded from my mind, but I never allowed myself to truly believe that they would not exist. Afterall, IVF is suppose to work; happy endings are suppose to happen following loss and struggle. Yet here we are at the crossroads, both of us knowing full well that we need to grieve this loss and bury them in order to move forward. That without doing this, our children will never find us.

How does one go about saying goodbye? Keiko Zoll posted about writing a letter to her biological child, while others have talked about doing something to mark the transition, be it with a memorial or some act. Right now my mind is clouded and healing needs to be the main focus, but I do want to do something for them. I'm just at a loss for what.

In 3 days, Grey and I will be celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary. It's bitter-sweet to think about us as a newly-married couple, full of hope for the future and sure of our family. How different we are now and uncertain. Yet how determined.

Tonight I'm holding the images of my sweet someday children tight, kissing them each goodbye. I know very soon that those images will be nothing more than a memory. A sweet dream that was never meant to be.

Thank you all for your sweet words and prayers. I've shown Grey all of your emails and comments, each of which have helped both of us feel less alone in the world during this time.