So this is the New Year

"So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions"

~ The New Year - Death Cab for Cutie

I'm not good with resolutions. The ideas surrounding "self-improvement" and "starting anew" usually leave me with a sense of guilt when things fall flat a few weeks out. Because of this, it's been years since I've really made a firm commitment to any lifestyle changes around this time of year all due to the realization that lasting change usually involves a lot of activation energy and shifts in mindsets, both of which requiring a lot of work.

But 2018 didn't end the way I was hoping. Yes, there's been a lot of good that happened that year, with Grey starting his current position, being rapidly tracked for leadership roles and seeing a lot of growth career-wise. And yes, Maddy and Teddy are doing amazingly well, with us not only seeing improvements following their surgeries but also thriving at school due to their teachers working with us to make sure a firm foundation is being built for their growth in the years to come. And yes, we are happy to be back on the West Coast, having easy access to hiking trails and ocean beaches while surrounded by a culture that Grey and I identify with.

But despite the good, I've been struggling. Ending my last contract after my boss changed her mind about bringing me in permanently and having to hire a lawyer to end the relationship was the wake-up call that its time to leave science education. Retooling is easier said than done, though, especially given that I don't have an industry track-record (a fairly common hurdle for anyone leaving academia that many acknowledge yet few have a solution for). On top of this, a side-product of me working with Teddy and Maddy is the realization that I likely have undiagnosed ADHD and that not addressing has actually done a lot of harm to me to date. All this on the heels of my parents recent freak-out, with me finding myself insanely angry over recognizing that not only did they miss this diagnosis with me (reminding me what a "bad child" I was and how they struggled so much with me), but also that I have to take on the role of "parent" with them, setting clear boundaries and unapologetically making it clear what is and is not acceptable.

So, this is the new year, with so much already on the horizon. Standing on the beach today with Grey, watching Teddy and Maddy play in the surf and sand, Grey and I made some resolutions about prioritizing self-care and sanity via getting lost in the woods or along the coast more and me seeking diagnosis/treatment. None of which will be done without some additional activation energy and establishing some firm boundaries.

And yet, I must confess that I'm also feeling energized to make these resolutions a reality. If for no other reason than knowing that though the self-assigned penance will require a lot of work, it is work that has clear rewards at the end.

#MicroblogMondays: In search of the Sea Witch

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

December got away from me. In the midst of entering unemployment again, hiring a lawyer to deal with final paperwork from my former employer (the summary statement is nothing was signed and my boss was warned to immediately cease all contact) and having job hunting come to a standstill due to the pending holidays, I found myself becoming more of an observant of life instead of a participant.

A mindset that continued through Christmas with visiting in-laws and potentially tense family dynamics.

A mindset that I was completely over by December 27, when I woke to greet my 40th birthday.

Knowing that the day had the complete potential to be horribly bad, I hatched a plan to drive to the beach in search of tafoni, with an alternative agenda of communing with the ocean and finding a way to recharge my soul. By early morning, I found myself with a companion, with Maddy wanting to join me while Teddy spent the day with Grey to finish building some LEGOs. And though I didn't expect much, I was secretly hoping for some sign of inspiration to carry with me for the road ahead.

The day was a beautiful one and Maddy and I quickly found the tafoni I was hoping to see.

The Pacific also didn't disappoint, with optimal conditions attracting kite surfers who all actively recruiting Maddy to join them on the waves.

But it wasn't until reviewing the photos from the day later that evening that I found the sign I had been hoping for: my Sea Witch.

Today was spent hiking with Grey and the kids, finding some great outlooks of the Bay and a great place to fly kites. It as also spent sparing with the parents, who are angry with me over setting boundaries and refusing to fall back into old patterns. The day ended with finding a dead crow on our front lawn; a sign of the death of the old and the birth of something new.

But it's still the imagine craved in the rocks that comes back to me as if a waking dream; almost as if a promise of something beautiful and amazing on the horizon ahead, marking the birthday and new year as a transitional one.

#MicroblogMondays: Solace

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

We are all just a car crash,

a diagnosis,

an unexpected phone call,

a newfound love,

or a broken heart away from becoming a

completely different person.

How beautifully fragile are we

that so many things can

take but a moment

to alter

who we are

for forever?

~Samuel Decker Thompson

Thankful

Yesterday, Grey and I were invited to join Rain and McRuger for an annual holiday tradition of spending time at the beach. Initially, we worried that the trip would be canceled due to rain and I was worried that everyone and their mother would have a similar idea leading to crowds, but driving out to the coast proved both to be pleasant and we were rewarded with an amazing day of an empty beach and warm ocean waves.

On the drive home, with everyone covered in sand and smelling of the Pacific, Grey and I talked about how much we had missed this coast. While in Seattle and near the end of graduate school, we had made it a tradition to go to the beach as much as possible. From the kite festivals to sand castle contests to simply hunting for shipwrecks, the ocean was a place of refuge. It's something we haven't been able to do reliably for the past few years, and yet the benefits from yesterday made it clear it was time to prioritize.

In addition to ocean time, Maddy has been hounding me for a knit unicorn. Documenting the Guatedamas toys resulted in her discovering a unicorn knit toy that made her insistent for one of her own. Three days ago, while in the midst of being stuck indoors, I caved and we raided my stash of leftover yarn to make this a reality.

The end result: meet Neela.

Sitting up last night, adding the final strands to Neela's mane, I reflected on where I'm at this year compared to years past. Unemployment sucks and I'm a bit bummed I haven't heard anything about the 2 interviews last week. We're also in the thick of transition with Grey's work, with his boss and boss's boss being pleased about what he's producing, but him still needing to meet goals before the end of the year. Finally, Maddy and Teddy, though doing awesome in some aspects (school is something they both are enjoying and excelling at) are struggling in others, with hyperactivity being very much on my mind.

Despite this, we have a lot to be thankful for. That we are on the other side of so many hard things and working to overcome others. That we still have the ability to do certain things that we once thought would be impossible or forever lost. That certain joys and gifts never really leave us. But also that hurts and heartaches can evolve, becoming something we never would have imagined at the beginning of the journey.

Let it rain

It's been a smokey past few days. With school canceled and warnings about air quality impacting health, finding forms of distraction has been quite a project. Something that is hard enough to explain to two Kindergarteners, never mind two cats.

Hence waking up this morning to raindrops brought a lot of cheering in our household. The promise of umbrellas, puddle jumping, but most importantly, more than a few minutes spent outside.

The air already smells different, like smoked tea as the smoke particles mix with the water. The promise of squelching the fires while quenching parched earth. Each drop bringing relief that is long overdue.

All while the four organisms that have been beyond excited about listening to the rhythm on the roof.

Let it rain

Plan B

Yesterday afternoon, within minutes of arriving home after my interview, I received an automated phone call from the school district informing me that school would be canceled tomorrow due to air quality. After driving through the haze all morning, I wasn't surprised, but it doesn't make the situation any less scary especially learning that all the universities and community colleges had already suspended classes for the same reason.

Racing to Teddy and Maddy's school to catch the teachers before they left (turning in homework that had thankfully already been completed and getting planned activities for the break), I found myself reflecting on all the natural disasters that caused school closures that we've lived through. From blizzards to hurricanes (and blizzard hurricanes) to floods, we've seen a lot. Poor air quality is a new one and something that I frankly am not prepared for.

Today is about learning how to manage. With school canceled and warnings about being outdoors of extended periods, I've been trying to find indoor activities knowing full well others likely have similar ideas. Grey has been researching getting another air purifier (we have a small one that we fished out to use), but I've actually also started considering face masks given that recovering from a cold has taking a lot longer and my lungs are starting to hurt from all the particulates in the air. All this on top of monitoring maps of local fires and being vigilant about any signs of smoke.

This morning, I'm forming a new plan B. Because, given all the trends and the destruction, I'm thinking this will become a new norm.

Facade

Today is day 4 of interviews; all of which wasn't originally planned.

The original plan was an in-person interview on Monday and follow-up with two of the scientists who weren't able to be on site due to the holiday. The original plan was all the stress would be front-loaded in the week, and to continue job hunting for the rest of the week.

Then I got a request for a phone interview for another company, with me thinking "why not" as the opportunity was very different but also very interesting. Meaning back-to-back remote interviews on Tuesday that resulted in scheduling 2 days of an in-person interview for Wednesday and Thursday to work around the upcoming holiday.

Add in the fact the air quality has been at unhealthy levels for a week now and I can easily tell I'm hitting burn-out.

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Grey informed me today that there's another fire, with this one being only a few miles from where we live. Looking at the hillsides, it's not surprising that one would start given that we are surrounded by a lot of brown, but it's still disconcerting to know these are getting closer.

That the rains most normally expect haven't come.

How in denial so many around me are about the changing world; something Grey and I have been hyperaware of for so long which is in stark contrast to the reactions we see from so many.

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Yesterday one of the people interviewing me asked why I was making a career shift. I'm armed with many answers to this question given all that I've lived through over the past few years, but the response that seemed to surprise them was that I not only saw so many amazing things happening within this industry but also felt that my training as an educator and a scientist has uniquely prepared me to work with clients when facing unexpected outcomes or encountering unforeseen complications or problems. Talking more about this, we discussed how managed chaos is extremely common in many start-up environments, with those who excel having mechanisms in place to manage the stress and anxiety that comes would so many balls being in the air. That success not only requires effective communication but also being able to project a sense of calm while internally all your cylinders are firing.

Driving home yesterday through the haze and encountering people wearing surgical masks to counteract the smoke (even though it's well known the masks don't work), I began to realize how important a facade of calm is in daily lives but particularly in moments of disruption. Giving people something to grasp or look to when faced with uncertainty is extremely valuable, often being the element determining success vs failure.

The problem is this skill, though valuable, is often not something most will learn without having to sustain a fair amount of discomfort for an extended period of time. It's hard to teach resilience in a culture that currently promotes avoidance and echo chambers with the fear of prolonged discomfort and pain being driving factors for avoidance.

All this made me wonder how to counteract that avoidance, encouraging people to face uncomfortable truths and situations that don't have easy answers. Something I certainly don't have the answer for how to overcome

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Part 2 of interviewing happens today. All while dealing with so many other things.

Hopefully I'll be able to stay awake for the drive home.