Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Been here before

Transfer day. A day that everyone going through IVF/FET waits for with baited breath. Since my last miscarriage, I haven't really allowed myself to think about this day. Partly because I've been grieving the loss of my last pregnancy. Partly because I've been scared to think there could be a different outcome. Over the weekend, both Grey and I have struggled with finding hope for the cycle; seeing a positive outcome. Grey especially has had a hard time, since a co-worker recently gave birth and now his workspace is filled with images of her and her new daughter. Happy for the co-worker, but in pain from the reminder of what we've lost.

On Sunday, a phone conversation with MissConception and reading Dandelion Breeze's recent post, snapped me back to reality. On a side-note, if you haven't already, go send these women some love. The news of Dandelion Breeze's most recent IVF/PGD cycle not working is heartbreaking. MissConception is still working through grief from the loss of M&A while trying to embrace her little Raspberry.  Both of these women are amazing and inspiring individuals, but they could use the extra TLC right now.

What I was reminded of (directly from MissConception, too) was that despite the grief of loss, there can be hope. Dandelion Breeze's suggestion of finding non-traditional therapies reminded me that despite the fact that nothing is really changing during this FET on the medical end, there have been lots of chances for this cycle. I started seeing Dee regularly to work through my grief. Grey and I started putting together our adoption plan. I started acupuncture (which I love!!!). This cycle is during summer break, meaning I'm a bit more relaxed. And Grey and I are on the same page. Even though we are both struggling, we are struggling together.

The end result of all of this was the realization that I needed to lower my guard and openly admit some things. I can't be continually steeling myself for the worst, as it will negate any possible good from coming from all of this. So Monday evening, I set out to prepare for this FET.

I started by sitting down and making a list of things I hope for. This may sound silly, but I've spent a lot of time focusing on what I fear. Fear of a BFN or another miscarriage. Fear of never being able to carry a child to term. Not once since April have I allowed myself to be hopeful for this cycle.

The truth is, I want this cycle to work. As much as we've been preparing for adoption (a route we now know we will be taking no matter what), I want to carry Grey's child. I want my embryos to survive the thaw and to become pregnant, but I want more than a BFP. I want to see a heartbeat, to watch my belly grow, to have my husband hold this body while it is carrying his child and ultimately to see a baby with Grey's eyes and my nose.

In addition, I started doing things to help my body prepare. I quit caffeine when I started the Crinone (for some strange reason, progesterone makes being caffeine-free easier for me), I started the Circle+Bloom program again, I've been loading up on water to counter the effects of the Doxycyclin and I bought a pineapple. Actually, I bought two. Grey used the first one to make Pineapple stir-fry. I have no idea if pineapple actually helps with implantation, but pineapple is in season so it can't hurt.

I've also been trying to distract myself. Reading has helped with this and I need to pick up my knitting today. The night before the FET, I made pies. Probably not the best activity at 10 pm the night before FET, but I needed a distraction.

Strawberry Rhubarb with a buttermilk pie crust

And finally, I packed Polaris. I no longer care what people think about me carrying this bear.
My security blanket
Tuesday was a packed day. My first acupuncture appointment was at 9 am, so Grey and I were up early to make sure I had everything that I would need for the day. Following the appointment, which helped relax me like never before, we stopped by a local French bakery to pick up some tarts for the clinic staff. After working with all of them for so long, I figured we were long overdue for a thank you gift.

And then it was time to go downstairs to prep for the transfer.
Socks from Tami-Scrabble at Submerged. Everyone got a kick out of them
Finally, the embryologist was ready with her report. And to my astonishment, we learned that our two 3AB embryos had survived the thaw and one had been upgraded! So we were transferring a 4AA and 3BB.
*No photos this time. The University decided the clinic does not need a camera to photograph embryos.

The rest of the day was spent promoting implantation. Following the second acupuncture appointment which was immediately after the transfer (and which I managed to sleep through), I spent the rest of the day on the couch trying to out-sleep my nurses.
Movement is not an option
Today I'm home again, taking it easy. Despite everything else I *should* be doing, MissConception words of wisdom of "being a Mommy to these snowbabies" has been foremost on my mind. And with the news that they managed to survive despite the odds, I'm taking it as a sign that I need to do my part and give them every possible chance.

Somehow, someway, I'm finding hope again. Despite the fact that we've been here before, I'm praying for a different outcome.


  1. Omg how did I miss the fact that you had a transfer? How awesome that one of your embies was upgraded and it sounds like you are doing everything possible for a successful cycle. That pie looked super yummy also and I love those socks! I would have to say they are the best pair I have seen so far :) My best wishes and thoughts are with you!

  2. Praying for you and hoping that this is your THB!!

  3. What a wonderful place to be. I am really happy that you are separating your grief and fears from your hopes and desires, and allowing yourself to be where you need to be during these next few weeks.

    Tell your kitties to take extra good care of you. I have all my fingers and toes crossed that this will work!

  4. That is so awesome that they both survived thaw and that one was upgraded!! And I LOVE your socks. How can they not make this one work? They're fierce! : ) BTW the core of the pineapple holds the special stuff - so eat the core. I will be thinking about you!!!

    1. I've been eating the whole thing. As I told MissC, I'm a weird one because I've always liked the cores. But that brings me to my next question: how often and how much?

    2. I think I've read a few people that cut it into 5 pieces and eat a piece a day for 5 days :) I did this (well, BG ate one piece), and I don't know if it made a difference, but it was tasty!

  5. Prayers being sent your way!! That's awesome about your embabies. Good Luck to you. Love the socks!!! =)

  6. Just wanted to let you know I'm praying/thinking positive thoughts for you. What a relief to hear about your two little transfers. Good luck!!

  7. I wanted to drop in an say hi and good luck! I have been following your blog for several weeks now and am rooting for you! :-)

  8. I am so happy to see this post. I fully believe the "non-medical" things we do are the ones that end up making the difference. I will be thinking of you... let me know if you need some 2WW distraction. And I made a smoothie out of the pineapple core. It was delicious.

  9. Hot damn I'm a sucker for cute socks. I want!!

    I really like your idea of making a hope list. I may do that next week. If for no other reason, it's damn hard getting hopeful for a fourth transfer!

    Wishing you the best of luck!

  10. Cristy, this is the most hopeful I've heard you in a long time and I'm so happy to see it. I'm so glad everything went well with the FET and that you're resting up now and being the best mommy you can be to those two little survivor embabies. That's so great about the one getting upgraded - extra bonus! Sending you all the love, positivity and implantation thoughts I can muster!

  11. I love that you're embracing hope for this transfer. Sending you lots of positive vibes and virtual hugs!

  12. I'm praying right along with you, Cristy.

  13. Thinking of you with so many positive vibes headed your way. This is all so great. I have a good feeling Cristy!!! You sound so mentally awesome right now. Hugs hugs hugs. This is it girl!!!

  14. And that pie!!!! What????? You are amazing!

  15. OMG... Can't believe you had your transfer already!!!!!! Such exciting stuff! I am definitely thinking of you and sending all sorts of prayers, positive vibes and hope your direction. So glad your embabies turned out so great and am now hoping it/they stick(s) with you for the long haul. Keep yourself relaxing with your cute nurses and Polaris at your side! *Big Hugs*

    And seriously... those pies look so good.

  16. Hope looks good on you, friend. I'm sending lots of positive vibes your way. *Hugs*


  17. I love this post, that you embrace the hope again even if it's scary, and the support you get from fellow bloggers. I have my fingers crossed for you!

  18. I can feel the hope for you all the way down in my belly. It's this raw and urgent kind of hope that is absolutely consuming.

    I'm glad you enjoyed the socks. If they made you smile even once, then I consider my gift a successful one.

  19. Great socks! I hope you get your Grey's eyes, momma's nose baby! Upgrading your embryo sure seems like a good start!

  20. I really liked this post. I am so happy your snowbabies survived and one was upgraded! Keep that hope going strong. Praying so hard for a wonderful outcome. Hugz!

  21. Late to the FET party....c'mon, snowbabies. I love the care you're putting into this cycle with the acu, pie baking, and caffeine abstension. I'm hoping and praying with you, Cristy! The Buddhist temple visit sounds great. Such a beautiful religion.


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