One of those days

Yesterday started off normal enough. Laundry was done, friends were talked with and I had a hair/ eyebrow waxing appointment (Cristy is no longer allowed near tweezers and has been prescribed Rogaine for her eyebrows). Being it was a nice, sunny day in Seattle, I decided to walk around the neighborhood to finish some errands. And then I saw the sign that made me do a double-take: "It's a Baby Shower!!" decorated with streamers and pink balloons. Posted on the door of a local bar.

I been sensing a lot of tension as of late, both in real life and online. With the end of summer and the start of the new school year has come changes in interactions with people; forced interactions that are leading to more conflict. Both Grey and I have been seeing more of it: minivan drivers having near-misses with bike commuters, teenagers speeding through school zones, texting while driving and even old women with shopping cart rage. Part of this tension has to do with the weather changing, with the people's moods being predictable based on the temperature and amount of sunlight. But there's something else too.

The invasion of the local bars is a good barometer of this, with young parents unapologetically propping their newborns on barstools. In some ways, both Grey and I support this: children weed out the trouble-makers, business is booming for certain establishments simply by modifying their floor plan and it's a way to educate children about healthy alcohol consumption behavior. Still, there are days I want a break from the baby-boom in this city and finding a young mother nursing at 11 pm while sipping a beer certainly doesn't help.

The last couple of days, I've been reading posts that remind me of what I'm seeing in real life. The pain olympics have been rearing their ugly head, pitting blogger against blogger. I've found newly pregnant bloggers posting about how they are tired of having to apologize for IVF/IUI working, I've found news of recent losses where commenters talk about how losing at "X" stage or with "X" diagnosis is the worst possible thing that can ever happen and I've noticed that bloggers I use to follow who are further along in their pregnancies have all but disappeared. Like real life, it's feels like if you aren't suffering or haven't suffered enough, you aren't allowed to write about it. Equally so, if you are one who has finally received the happy news that everything is working the way it should, you're defending yourself.

I'll be honest: all of this makes me sad. As someone who is currently living childless with no clear plan on resolving, it hurts to see members of this community turn on one another. One of the things both Grey and I are working very hard on (me more than him) is being a part of our community again. Are there days where seeing bellies and strollers hurts? Absolutely. Part of me will always mourn that. But do I blame any of them for our infertility? No. And I would hope that one day, when Grey and I do find our children that we would be surrounded by love and support from our community, both in real life as well as here. I would hope that those who were still in the trenches would understand that finding resolution doesn't mean I was abandoning them.

I still have my bitter moments: to hear that my niece wants to name her new sister "coffee filter" because it would be funny is bittersweet, reminding me of the pregnancy I lost. To hear Grey talk about a coworker's new daughter and how cute she is. To see parents walking towards the zoo. And even to get a baby shower invitation for a dear friend. But, these are moments. The thought process that allows the bitter to take over has to be eliminated in order to live and I fight that urge to descend simply because I don't want to live that way anymore. I want to be a part of life.

I have a request: stop with the pain olympics. Have some incredibly shitty things happened to women here that I love? Yes. And it breaks my heart into a zillion pieces. No one should have to bury their unborn child(ren), suffer through the pain of a failed cycle, undergo a D&C, take shots of Methotrexate to terminate a pregnancy, make the decision between their health and that of their unborn child or see their dreams of family vanish before their eyes. But playing the pain olympics is a losing battle. To do so continues the cycle of a pain and despair, turning one into a zombie. To do so minimizes those who have suffered to. To do so is to lose everything.

So stop. Cry, scream, rage at the universe. Then come back to this place and allow your brothers and sisters in this journey to wrap you in love.

To those who are on the road to resolving, be sensitive but unapologetic. I'm will certainly celebrate your pregnancy with you and support you as you begin to navigate your way through the scary reality that is parenthood. I'll be there encouraging you on as you talk about preparing for the next stages in life, hoping for nothing but a smooth road. But remember what it was like to live in the trenches. Those weeks, months and years where you felt alone in your pain. Don't develop amnesia and disappear, assuming that this aspect of your life never existed.

It's time to end this brewing battle, repair the fissures that are happening. Just as Grey and I refuse to hid our infertility and childlessness, so too do we refuse to make those with children feel unworthy. We are hell bent on breaking the stereotype. Failing beautifully many days, but still trying.