Sunday, September 23, 2012

One of those days

Yesterday started off normal enough. Laundry was done, friends were talked with and I had a hair/ eyebrow waxing appointment (Cristy is no longer allowed near tweezers and has been prescribed Rogaine for her eyebrows). Being it was a nice, sunny day in Seattle, I decided to walk around the neighborhood to finish some errands. And then I saw the sign that made me do a double-take: "It's a Baby Shower!!" decorated with streamers and pink balloons. Posted on the door of a local bar.

I been sensing a lot of tension as of late, both in real life and online. With the end of summer and the start of the new school year has come changes in interactions with people; forced interactions that are leading to more conflict. Both Grey and I have been seeing more of it: minivan drivers having near-misses with bike commuters, teenagers speeding through school zones, texting while driving and even old women with shopping cart rage. Part of this tension has to do with the weather changing, with the people's moods being predictable based on the temperature and amount of sunlight. But there's something else too.

The invasion of the local bars is a good barometer of this, with young parents unapologetically propping their newborns on barstools. In some ways, both Grey and I support this: children weed out the trouble-makers, business is booming for certain establishments simply by modifying their floor plan and it's a way to educate children about healthy alcohol consumption behavior. Still, there are days I want a break from the baby-boom in this city and finding a young mother nursing at 11 pm while sipping a beer certainly doesn't help.

The last couple of days, I've been reading posts that remind me of what I'm seeing in real life. The pain olympics have been rearing their ugly head, pitting blogger against blogger. I've found newly pregnant bloggers posting about how they are tired of having to apologize for IVF/IUI working, I've found news of recent losses where commenters talk about how losing at "X" stage or with "X" diagnosis is the worst possible thing that can ever happen and I've noticed that bloggers I use to follow who are further along in their pregnancies have all but disappeared. Like real life, it's feels like if you aren't suffering or haven't suffered enough, you aren't allowed to write about it. Equally so, if you are one who has finally received the happy news that everything is working the way it should, you're defending yourself.

I'll be honest: all of this makes me sad. As someone who is currently living childless with no clear plan on resolving, it hurts to see members of this community turn on one another. One of the things both Grey and I are working very hard on (me more than him) is being a part of our community again. Are there days where seeing bellies and strollers hurts? Absolutely. Part of me will always mourn that. But do I blame any of them for our infertility? No. And I would hope that one day, when Grey and I do find our children that we would be surrounded by love and support from our community, both in real life as well as here. I would hope that those who were still in the trenches would understand that finding resolution doesn't mean I was abandoning them.

I still have my bitter moments: to hear that my niece wants to name her new sister "coffee filter" because it would be funny is bittersweet, reminding me of the pregnancy I lost. To hear Grey talk about a coworker's new daughter and how cute she is. To see parents walking towards the zoo. And even to get a baby shower invitation for a dear friend. But, these are moments. The thought process that allows the bitter to take over has to be eliminated in order to live and I fight that urge to descend simply because I don't want to live that way anymore. I want to be a part of life.

I have a request: stop with the pain olympics. Have some incredibly shitty things happened to women here that I love? Yes. And it breaks my heart into a zillion pieces. No one should have to bury their unborn child(ren), suffer through the pain of a failed cycle, undergo a D&C, take shots of Methotrexate to terminate a pregnancy, make the decision between their health and that of their unborn child or see their dreams of family vanish before their eyes. But playing the pain olympics is a losing battle. To do so continues the cycle of a pain and despair, turning one into a zombie. To do so minimizes those who have suffered to. To do so is to lose everything.

So stop. Cry, scream, rage at the universe. Then come back to this place and allow your brothers and sisters in this journey to wrap you in love.

To those who are on the road to resolving, be sensitive but unapologetic. I'm will certainly celebrate your pregnancy with you and support you as you begin to navigate your way through the scary reality that is parenthood. I'll be there encouraging you on as you talk about preparing for the next stages in life, hoping for nothing but a smooth road. But remember what it was like to live in the trenches. Those weeks, months and years where you felt alone in your pain. Don't develop amnesia and disappear, assuming that this aspect of your life never existed.

It's time to end this brewing battle, repair the fissures that are happening. Just as Grey and I refuse to hid our infertility and childlessness, so too do we refuse to make those with children feel unworthy. We are hell bent on breaking the stereotype. Failing beautifully many days, but still trying.



24 comments:

  1. I've often felt the same way about bloggers who stop writing after they get pregnant or have their babies. I understand that life changes and there is a bit of a survivor's guilt but to just act like all this was a bad dream or that it never happened frustrates me. Sing songs about your baby, tell us how much you treasure them BECAUSE of this experience, give the rest of us hope that there is a happy ending in sight.

    Its hard. I don't pretend that it is easy to read of another bloggers adventures in sleep training while I'm still fresh of a painful loss but I feel invested in them. I feel like it would be wrong to abandon them just because they achieved something that I have not.

    Community is important. This community needs to always be here for one another, through good times and bad. We are all going through this, lets try to ease the pain together.

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  2. Never thought of it as the "pain olympics" but it sure does seem to fit. I too have noticed that my followers, those still the same in number have gone their own ways. Pregnant are a few of them, others have left to heal their hurts. My blog isn't just about my infertility its about my life and living as a military spouse. Maybe I should just blog about that for a bit?

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    1. I fully support people writing about their journeys through life. What I don't like or support is attacking others or one-upping. Infertility and loss are painful life tragedies. Minimizing everyone in this community because one is in pain is not acceptable.

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  3. I submitted this to Mel for the roundup. It's that good. Much love my dear.

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  4. Your post definitely hit close to home with me today. I am so glad you decided to write about this and perfect timing. Since my loss of this cycle, I went through being bitter and angry and then horrible thoughts went through my head thinking who deserved to be pregnant more (stupid). As the days are going by I am healing physically and mentally. I am also working on accepting the decision my husband and I made regarding no more fertility treatments. I want to remain supportive to every single lady on here regardless where they are in this journey or where it takes them. My obviously took me to a place I didn't foresee, but I want to make the best of a this situation.

    Again, thank you for this post Cristy!

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  5. Such a powerful post that really made me think. I have often times compared myself to others and how I have never had to go through IUI or IVF, so I have felt like I may not belong. One year of really bad luck with 3 losses...I feel like I haven't had it as rough as others who have gone through failed cycle after failed cycle and spent thousands of dollars on treatments. Now that I am pregnant for the 4th time, I have seen my blog followers and commenters dwindle down because I am no longer struggling to get pregnant at this moment. I have felt bad when I have posted things about my appointments going well (finally) when others seem to be suffering more and more tragedy right before my eyes. I feel bad about posting my fears about this pregnancy because I know there are so many others who would give anything to pregnant. Period. Fears or not. You are right, though. This isn't about who has it the worst or one upping. It is about support. Support in infertility, support in loss, support in pregnancy, and support in birth/child rearing. I hope everyone in the ALI community reads your post. I am definitely going to be linking to it in my next post. Thanks again for your insight.

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  6. This is very powerful. I am very thankful to have read this today.

    I go back and forth on my continuum of "emotional infertility" and some days think about closing up shop and walking away for good. But I can't - because I care too much about my friends in this community. I care too much about the community in general. The Pain Olympics are so hurtful - no one can win, and everyone loses. We can never truly know another person's pain, but we can (and do) know what it feels like to us to fall down...to not be able to get back up, to not care to. We must be able to support, understand, and love each other in spite of our negative feelings to truly help each other. It is easy to lose sight of that sometimes... when it's one of *those* days. A very poignant reminder. Thank you.

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    1. I whole-heartedly agree!! Which is why I believe it is so important for those who are pregnant and parenting after infertility, adoption and/or loss to share their story. Partly because we need to see that all the grief and pain doesn't magically melt away. But also because I need good role models!!

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  7. Followed your comment from my blog to this post and holy hell...this is ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS!!!! I'm glad it was submitted to SQ because this should be read by everyone in the community. I never thought of closing up shop or walking away from this community. I struggled with guilty feelings, but hoped my experience would offer someone a little hope or insight on their journey. I've kept writing and am still struggling with IF as we try to conceive our second child. I have a child and yet I remember what I went through to get that child. Is it what I write about every post? No, but I can't turn my back on the community that helped me survive the darkest time of my life. I stay to support and follow along with others in the community.

    "To those who are on the road to resolving, be sensitive but unapologetic. I'm will certainly celebrate your pregnancy with you and support you as you begin to navigate your way through the scary reality that is parenthood. I'll be there encouraging you on as you talk about preparing for the next stages in life, hoping for nothing but a smooth road. But remember what it was like to live in the trenches. Those weeks, months and years where you felt alone in your pain. Don't develop amnesia and disappear, assuming that this aspect of your life never existed.

    It's time to end this brewing battle, repair the fissures that are happening. Just as Grey and I refuse to hid our infertility and childlessness, so too do we refuse to make those with children feel unworthy. We are hell bent on breaking the stereotype. Failing beautifully many days, but still trying."

    That is perfect....thank you for this post....It is a wonderful reminder of what this community is all about!

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  8. Amen my friend. I have had these thoughts many times myself. You are right, we should be sticking together and supporting each other no matter the stage of our journey. I am trying to find my balance in this community and it can be challenging, but it's still important to me.

    Thanks for this post and reminding us what we should be concentrating on. Sticking together.

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  9. What a beautiful post Cristy! I haven't been around as much lately and I think I've missed most of the blogosphere pain olympics, but it's so true that everyone has to one-up everyone else in society in general. Bad is bad. Good comes with some bad too. No need to compare or classify...let's just support each other!

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  10. This is really wonderful. Sometimes I have to take a minute when I read about someone getting pregnant, but if they're someone I know who has struggled and has come out the other side I do feel like it gives me some hope. The moments I really can't stand are friends who never had any trouble at all, and therefore don't appreciate how unbelievably lucky they are. I hope that if I ever get pregnant I will be able to tread that line, but I just can't imagine forgetting the struggle - even for one second.

    And on a personal note, for those of us who use donors the truth is that the IF story doesn't really end when you (hopefully) have a healthy baby. There's a lot more grappling with tough issues to come, and I know I will continue to need support and encouragement as they do.

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  11. I so agree there's no winning in the pain olympics. Community is important, and if you are able to give support on every level that is wonderful. I'm working hard on separating my own feelings and live in the community as well (both in real life and online) like you describe so well.

    However, I don't blame those (myself included sometimes) who has to take a step back in giving that support for emotional reasons, nor would I take an unfollowing personally should I get pregnant. I understand from experience it can be too much to handle and read about if you are in a vulnerable place. I just think that is important to remember as well.

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    1. That's a great point, marwil. And one I also do not blame anyone for. I think with any of this, it is important to gauge how one is feeling and to write honestly about that. "I feel isolated . . . , I feel left behind . . ., etc." It's the one-uppings that get to me. The "you think you're pain is bad, but you haven't gone through "Z," which is far worse . . ." is very hard for me to stomach. Nothing good ever comes from one-upping, other than guaranteeing one is left alone in their pain and bitterness.

      Similarly, the women who lack sensitivity about the fact that their pregnancy may be hard to read about. Yes, if IVF/IUI works, you did get the golden ticket in a sense. Does it mean you deserved it any more or less compared to other women here, though? In my eyes, no. I'm happy for that person and wish them nothing but the best. Just be sensitive and recognize that others may need to take steps to protect themselves too. If you are a wonderful person, people will follow or find their way back to you.

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    2. No of course no one deserves it more than anyone else. I'm guilty of thinking that back when we just started treatment but now with some experience.. not so much. It's a longing that is there regardless of how long or how many treatments you have gone through. I have noticed a falling in and out of contact kind of thing during the time I have been around. And that is ok too, it works for everyone.

      The funny thing is, we all want that golden ticket and so it should work as giving hope when someone in the community get pregnant. But I guess there are all kinds of emotions going on which can make it hard.

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    3. I completely agree. And I think your point about the emotions is especially key. Infertility and loss are life tragedies. The rob us of something that is inherent to our very beings. One of the things that hit me so hard following my last miscarriage was that trying to get pregnant shouldn't be this hard. For most, it's so easy that they have to take precautions. Hence the realization that with each passing month, each failed cycle, each loss and each moment of "why them, not me," we do die a little more. I get that. I've lived that.

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  12. This is a fabulous post. I just wrote something to be posted tomorrow that is sort of on this subject, though not nearly as eloquent. I think that "I would hope that those who were still in the trenches would understand that finding resolution doesn't mean I was abandoning them." is key. We need to find a way to stay together and help each other through every stage, infertility, pregnancy, going through the adoption/foster process, parenting and deciding to remain childfree. And I think the only way we as a community will come to this point is through posts like yours.

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  13. You are an amazing writer. Your words are true to my heart. Love this post. xoxo

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  14. This is a great post, Cristy. The pain Olympics is completely ridiculous in my mind. Pain is so relative. What might be excruciating to one person may be a drop in the bucket to another. When I think back on all the failed cycles and crap we've been though, there is no negative pregnancy test that ranks above another and in fact, my most painful moment is really surprising to me. It was the moment I ended up in an RE's office... and we've all had our butts in that chair, haven't we?

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  15. Once again, Cristy, this post has me wanting to reply, "Amen, sista." We're all hurting, and we all have those bad days, but I think--with this medium, especially--we have to remember the effect our words have on others.

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  16. Wonderful post Cristy. Thank you for sharing and putting words to such an important message. No one wins by one upping. No one's pain is "worse" than others. It's all painful and we should support and love each other no matter how hard or how wonderfully things are going. Owning our own experiences honestly and unapologetically is essential to our own healing, accepting support and being able to support others.

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  17. Beautiful post, Cristy. Easily one of your best. I love this line: "So stop. Cry, scream, rage at the universe. Then come back to this place and allow your brothers and sisters in this journey to wrap you in love." I need to do a better job of supporting my sisters who have found pregnancy. You're so giving in that regard; it's something I need to be better about. I'm just so glad you're a part of this community and moreover, that you're my friend.

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  18. Hey--what a moving post, Cristy. I've missed the one-upping tensions lately because I haven't had time to read as much, but I really appreciate your response to it.

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  19. A really wonderful and much needed post. I too have seen schisms in our community of late and it makes me so sad. I wish we could stop the pain Olympics for good

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