The end of a marriage?

About a year ago, I started this blog as a way to document our journey through infertility and IVF while  hoping to seek support, as I really wasn't getting any in real life. Fast forward a year: 2 miscarriages, 3 failed rounds of IVF and no closer to an answer or path to resolution. Add in the multiple pregnancy announcements, births and expansion of children in our lives. Though joyous at times, it's definitely been hard on our marriage.

At the end of June, following our last failed round of IVF, Grey and I followed Dee's recommendation and started seeing David for marriage counseling. Initially the sessions were freeing, as we had someone to help mediate while we pursued difficult topics and rehashed arguments. But things have shifted in our sessions with the past couple focusing on me and my hang-ups from surviving child abuse. I've worried with all of this that Grey was falling back into a pattern of assuming his feelings could wait and pretending everything is fine on his end. All the time, stewing and becoming more and more angry with me. Needless to say, it all came to a head this morning.

I've talked in the past about the difficult relationship I've had with Grey's family. Though far from being as destructive as my family, they still have been a source of stress for both of us, especially while dealing with infertility. This has been especially true regarding my relationship (or lack there of) with Grey's younger brother, Lucas. Lucas's wife is expecting a baby with a due date that is similar to what mine would have been if I haven't miscarried in April. This is the brother who so nicely decided to announce their news following the news of our miscarriage. The truth is things have always been tense between me and Lucas. Early on in our marriage, it was clear that Grey took the role of "older brother" very seriously, protecting and guiding Lucas. The problem was, Lucas displays all the classic attributes of the youngest child and thinks nothing of unloading all his worries and grievances onto others. Even as newly-weds, I felt like I was battling with Lucas for Grey, competing for the attentions and affections of my husband. It's never done maliciously, but I do believe he's very self-centered.

This pattern of caring for family in a all-or-nothing way isn't limited to Lucas, as Grey has really attempted to put himself second to the needs of his family. The fact that he loves them to this extent is admirable. The problem is, they don't reciprocate in the same way. It's assumed because we don't have children, our lives are filled with free-time and energy. Communicating any of what we're feeling with the losses has been difficult, as they either assume that the solution comes in relaxing and accepting the role of the childless couple or that once we find our children that these years will simply be forgotten.

The last week was a rough one for me. News of friends welcoming their son (with pictures to boot), learning that a coworker is 2 months pregnant and quitting in December (meaning more work in hiring and training a replacement), multiple pregnancy announcements in general (cue the happy for you/sad for me feelings), multiple appointments (therapy and meeting with advisor) and PMS; what a wonderful mix. Saturday was suppose to be relaxing, but scheduled "me" time went out the window with some other obligations and chores. So by Saturday night, I wasn't feeling overly jocular. Meaning that when Grey joked that I was responsible for Lucas slicing his hand open after he broke a sugar bowl (because apparently I fit the description of the bitter infertile witch who's skilled at hexing people), the response he got wasn't one he had hoped for.

It was downhill from there, both of us walking on eggshells around each other and a heated exchange to follow. And finally me sleeping on the couch. This morning, when Grey asked if we could talk, he told me how angry he is with me because he doesn't see me getting any better. That he doesn't understand why I'm so angry with Lucas and his wife; why I see them as being so selfish. And then he expressed a huge amount of hatred towards my parents, specifically my dad for abandoning me. That he's still so pissed about how they've ruined so much. How he feels I'm simply filled with venom.

The truth is, I don't know how to resolve all of this. We initially brought all of this up with David and his solution was for Grey to initiate the conversation between Lucas and myself so that we could have an open conversation (with Grey butting out, btw). Problem is, Grey is not only protecting his brother from my wrath, but with their daughter being due next month feels that this is simply a huge inconvenience. Hence, I'm the bad guy because I can't get over April and move on. That I'm the reason he can't go see his new niece (which I didn't know was on his mind). Never mind the fact we haven't taken an actual vacation in years, instead spending any free time visiting and caring for family. Never mind the fact that as hard as I try all of this still hurts. Never mind the fact that we now know that me bottling things up doesn't work.

Through my frustration, anger and a hell of a lot of tears this morning, I dropped the "D" word about 3 times, breaking a rule that David firmly put into place. And I threatened Grey with the reminder of how skilled I had become with eliminating people from my life.  As I marched out the door, Grey screamed after me that I was quitting and clearly wasn't getting any better. Branding me the monster that I know they all believe me to be.

I'm at a loss of what to do. If I was pregnant, in the process of adoption or even knew which road to take for resolving I would fight for this relationship. But how does one fight an entire family that simply wants you to disappear? Who views you being barren as a good thing because it gives their son a good excuse to leave and try again? For too long I've felt like an outcast with all of them, pitied for being in this situation and with whisperings that maybe it would be better to just let go.

So, I'm at work today, trying to distract myself from the pounding in my heart and the grief of the realization that our marriage may be over. Also trying to figure out where I'm going to sleep and how I'm going to get through the next couple of days before our session with David. Because we are in trouble. Serious trouble.