Sunday, October 14, 2012

The end of a marriage?

About a year ago, I started this blog as a way to document our journey through infertility and IVF while  hoping to seek support, as I really wasn't getting any in real life. Fast forward a year: 2 miscarriages, 3 failed rounds of IVF and no closer to an answer or path to resolution. Add in the multiple pregnancy announcements, births and expansion of children in our lives. Though joyous at times, it's definitely been hard on our marriage.

At the end of June, following our last failed round of IVF, Grey and I followed Dee's recommendation and started seeing David for marriage counseling. Initially the sessions were freeing, as we had someone to help mediate while we pursued difficult topics and rehashed arguments. But things have shifted in our sessions with the past couple focusing on me and my hang-ups from surviving child abuse. I've worried with all of this that Grey was falling back into a pattern of assuming his feelings could wait and pretending everything is fine on his end. All the time, stewing and becoming more and more angry with me. Needless to say, it all came to a head this morning.

I've talked in the past about the difficult relationship I've had with Grey's family. Though far from being as destructive as my family, they still have been a source of stress for both of us, especially while dealing with infertility. This has been especially true regarding my relationship (or lack there of) with Grey's younger brother, Lucas. Lucas's wife is expecting a baby with a due date that is similar to what mine would have been if I haven't miscarried in April. This is the brother who so nicely decided to announce their news following the news of our miscarriage. The truth is things have always been tense between me and Lucas. Early on in our marriage, it was clear that Grey took the role of "older brother" very seriously, protecting and guiding Lucas. The problem was, Lucas displays all the classic attributes of the youngest child and thinks nothing of unloading all his worries and grievances onto others. Even as newly-weds, I felt like I was battling with Lucas for Grey, competing for the attentions and affections of my husband. It's never done maliciously, but I do believe he's very self-centered.

This pattern of caring for family in a all-or-nothing way isn't limited to Lucas, as Grey has really attempted to put himself second to the needs of his family. The fact that he loves them to this extent is admirable. The problem is, they don't reciprocate in the same way. It's assumed because we don't have children, our lives are filled with free-time and energy. Communicating any of what we're feeling with the losses has been difficult, as they either assume that the solution comes in relaxing and accepting the role of the childless couple or that once we find our children that these years will simply be forgotten.

The last week was a rough one for me. News of friends welcoming their son (with pictures to boot), learning that a coworker is 2 months pregnant and quitting in December (meaning more work in hiring and training a replacement), multiple pregnancy announcements in general (cue the happy for you/sad for me feelings), multiple appointments (therapy and meeting with advisor) and PMS; what a wonderful mix. Saturday was suppose to be relaxing, but scheduled "me" time went out the window with some other obligations and chores. So by Saturday night, I wasn't feeling overly jocular. Meaning that when Grey joked that I was responsible for Lucas slicing his hand open after he broke a sugar bowl (because apparently I fit the description of the bitter infertile witch who's skilled at hexing people), the response he got wasn't one he had hoped for.

It was downhill from there, both of us walking on eggshells around each other and a heated exchange to follow. And finally me sleeping on the couch. This morning, when Grey asked if we could talk, he told me how angry he is with me because he doesn't see me getting any better. That he doesn't understand why I'm so angry with Lucas and his wife; why I see them as being so selfish. And then he expressed a huge amount of hatred towards my parents, specifically my dad for abandoning me. That he's still so pissed about how they've ruined so much. How he feels I'm simply filled with venom.

The truth is, I don't know how to resolve all of this. We initially brought all of this up with David and his solution was for Grey to initiate the conversation between Lucas and myself so that we could have an open conversation (with Grey butting out, btw). Problem is, Grey is not only protecting his brother from my wrath, but with their daughter being due next month feels that this is simply a huge inconvenience. Hence, I'm the bad guy because I can't get over April and move on. That I'm the reason he can't go see his new niece (which I didn't know was on his mind). Never mind the fact we haven't taken an actual vacation in years, instead spending any free time visiting and caring for family. Never mind the fact that as hard as I try all of this still hurts. Never mind the fact that we now know that me bottling things up doesn't work.

Through my frustration, anger and a hell of a lot of tears this morning, I dropped the "D" word about 3 times, breaking a rule that David firmly put into place. And I threatened Grey with the reminder of how skilled I had become with eliminating people from my life.  As I marched out the door, Grey screamed after me that I was quitting and clearly wasn't getting any better. Branding me the monster that I know they all believe me to be.

I'm at a loss of what to do. If I was pregnant, in the process of adoption or even knew which road to take for resolving I would fight for this relationship. But how does one fight an entire family that simply wants you to disappear? Who views you being barren as a good thing because it gives their son a good excuse to leave and try again? For too long I've felt like an outcast with all of them, pitied for being in this situation and with whisperings that maybe it would be better to just let go.

So, I'm at work today, trying to distract myself from the pounding in my heart and the grief of the realization that our marriage may be over. Also trying to figure out where I'm going to sleep and how I'm going to get through the next couple of days before our session with David. Because we are in trouble. Serious trouble.

26 comments:

  1. Sending lots of hugs and love to you today! I'm so sorry this is happening, but am glad you have a counseling appointment soon. Please take good care of yourself -- you are NOT a monster in any way, shape or form! Please let me know if you need anything! ajourneyofemotions@gmail.com

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  2. The tears came streaming as I read this. And then I read it again. I want to wrap you up in my arms and fix everything: your pain, your loss, your self image, your marriage. But I can't and am just left here to feel with you. Sending you the light and love that you have sent to me so many times in the past. xo

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  3. Oh, Cristy. My heart breaks for you. Don't stop talking, okay? Not to Grey, not to us, not to his family, not to your therapist. I hope Grey understands that this isn't about you "getting better" but about both of you working through it together. Thinking of you sweetie. Please take care of yourself.

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  4. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. I've been through a divorce before and this marriage I'm in now has had its share of ups and downs with infertility.

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  5. I hate this part of infertility - it is so damaging and devastating on relationships. Everything takes a hit - relationships with our partners, our friends, our coworkers, our family... most importantly, relationships with ourselves. I've been where you are - on the brink of marital collapse... Standing on a ledge looking behind at all my fertility failures and looking ahead at a future of emptiness and aloneness. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Be as kind to you as you can.... We're right here with you girl.

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  6. I'm so sorry. I know how hard this is on relationships. We have definitely had some screaming matches in our home. And the D word has been dropped many a time despite knowing we shouldn't. I hope that you are able to get through the days until you meet with David and he is able to offer you both a way to work through this. Sending you good thoughts.

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  7. Oh Christy, I'm so sorry. I want to give you a big hug and tell you it will all be fine. But of course we know it will be what it will be. Try to remember the support you have given each other through this. I remember reading a post and thinking I'm so glad you have him! Maybe this isn't the beginning of the end, maybe it's just another step you have to get through. A step in a series of stupid, sucky steps. Love you!

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  8. Ugh, just, ugh. This stupid infertility is so hard on relationships. And men just don't understand, as much as they may try, how it impacts us differently. It sucks that he chooses his family over you. I don't agree with that at all. I don't know what else to say, other than you've got a community of the strongest women in the world here to help you pick up the pieces of whatever happens.

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    1. I need to clarify: I don't think this is something Grey is actively making the decision of his family over me. Quite frankly, I think it's natural to cling to them, hence he shouldn't be villainized. The problem is two-fold for me: 1) it's a trigger as my mother actively chose her siblings over my father and her children (and punished me severely for pointing out how terrible it is to compete for a mother's love with her siblings) and 2) Grey's family doesn't see the harm when it happens.

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  9. Cristy, I'm going to try texting you right now because I'm very worried about you. I know how deeply, deeply scarred both you and Grey are from infertility and loss. It pours out of both of you when you talk about it together. But I also know that you love each other very, very deeply and have more than enough love and strength left in your foundation to get through this. Remember our talk about soulmates? Well just because you're soulmates, doesn't mean you won't fight passionately but it also means that there is a fundamental bond on a very basic level that cannot be broken. A and I have had our fair share of brutal brawls. But we never want to lose each other. Have you put an emergency call into David? My instinct is to go back to Grey and talk until you're both blue in the face but maybe David will have some suggestions. Maybe you both write everything you're feeling down on paper and then read to each other and truly listen to the other when they're reading, knowing your feelings will be heard. After you read you can talk or if you're not ready, both go away again, write again, come back and read and listen again.

    I know there's no magic answer but Grey is your family. He's the family you chose, the family you made, not the family you were given, which is even stronger. This is worth fighting for. Please, please call me if you need to talk. Let me return the favor of "talking you off the ledge."

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  10. Oh Cristy. My heart just broke a million times for you. I wish I had some incredible words of wisdom to help you but I don't. All I can say is I'm thinking about you and hoping for the best. You are an incredible, strong woman. One who deserves all the happiness in the world. It is so unfair that you have to struggle with this on top of everything else. Just know you are so loved in this community and I'd do anything to take away this pain for you.

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  11. :( Christy I am so so so sorry. I don't even have words...just hugs. ;(

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  12. Oh, Cristy. It's bad enough that infertility steals our dreams and wreaks havoc on our bodies and our emotions, but when it messes with our relationships--it's just so unfair. Can you schedule an emergency session with David? It sounds like you two need to start sorting through this now, rather than waiting until your next appointment. I know you both have the strength, courage, and love to try to work this out. Sending you so many hugs.

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  13. I don't have anything to say that others haven't already said. Just know I am thinking of you and wishing you strength during this rough time. I'm sorry you are having to go through this pain right now. May you see a rainbow during this storm soon enough. *hugs*

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  14. Cristy, I'm at a loss. I wish I had words that would solve all of this for you and Gray. My heart is aching for both of you. I'm hoping with all my might that the two of you can find a way to work through this. Much love to you. *hugs*

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  15. Oh man. It's amazing how quickly things can go down in this journey. I know this is such a hard time for you, but you two have been through a lot and I know you can get through this. Please just take some breaths and get into that shrink asap. You two may need to go into overtime in that department.
    This relationship is worth fighting for. I know it's probably so tiring and it seems like a good idea to just give up, but you have worked so hard. Please call if you need to talk and keep talking to Grey. You guys can make it through this.
    Thinking of you.

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  16. I'm so sorry you have to fight all this. I hate how infertility/loss can rob us and destroy so many things along the way. Sending you many many hugs and hope you can come back talking to each other, patching things up, one thing at a time.

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  17. After reading the title of your blog, I didn't want to go any further. I am at a loss on what to say. I would like you to know that I have been in some bad places with my husband throughout this process. It is so unfair that not only do we have to go through the stress and sadness of infertility itself. We have to be so strong as it tries to rip every part of our lives apart. I know for a fact that as much as we all try, we have natural feelings. We try to hide them so people don't think badly of us or so we don't feel so guilty about having them, but we do. I hope that you and Grey can work past this and I know it's not easy to do. After everything you guys have been through, fight for your lives and don't let infertility take everything from you.

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  18. Words cant really express the sadness I feel for you both!!! I really hope u get and find some source of peace for your sitution!! Know that ur in my thoughts!!!

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  19. My heart hurts from reading this. I am so sorry you are being dealt another blow. I second what Shelley said a million times over. You and Grey are worth fighting for. Please fight.
    ~Keisha~

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  20. We were there not too long ago, the "this isn't working anymore and I see no solutions to it" portion. What helped us was working on ourselves and our own issues, and eventually we both were in a place to deal with our relationship. So, if you two decide to work on stuff some more (and I hope you do, at least to be in a better place to decide what's next) I hope you get to a place where you BOTH are working to "get better" in whatever form that is.

    Hugs. I hope you find resolution to it all.

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  21. Oh Cristy.....I When I saw the title of the blog entry I really hesitate to read further. I didn't want to see those words together in the same sentence. I've always had the same issues with my husband's family. They don't like me and I feel like an outsider. DH doesn't really have friends so his family is everything to him. I've always felt that he's "choosing" his family over me, even though I know he doesn't consciously do it on purpose. It's just how I perceive it. He would drop everything to help/support his family at the drop of a hat, even if it's for something totally ridiculous.

    Last year I avoided visiting his family for a similar reason as you. We had a huge fight during the holidays (gosh I hate the holidays) because I didn't want to go and his twin brother just had their little baby girl. He kept saying he wanted to see his new baby niece, even though it causes him pain too. That's when I realized that it doesn't cause men as much pain as much....It was the biggest fight we've had and I decided to write him a long letter telling how I feel. (I didn't want to get into a shouting match) He cried (and I've never seen him cry) and said this is what I think of him, a failure as a husband. Since then things have been a lot better this year. He doesn't give me crap about not visiting his family and it seems like he understands my pain more.

    I understand how tough the next couple of days will be for you and Grey. There may be some issues that may take a long time to resolve, and some may never go away. Throughout the last couple of years I've seen how strong you are with each other, and I've always been so amazed at how supportive and understanding he has been throughout your ordeals. So it took me by surprise when I saw the title of this blog entry. I know you two grew stronger together from your infertility struggles. Please keep up the good fight for each other. Sending you lots of love and courage.

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  22. Oh, Cristy. I am so very sorry to read this. I feel so much sympathy for you. My husband's brother is similar to Lucas (everything has gone his way and he has not much empathy for those who don't have smooth sailing) and I am lucky in that we had our kids before he and his wife did.

    I'm sending you hugs and so much empathy. Abiding with you.

    Infertility is quite possibly the toughest thing to endure as a couple. No one says it, but it's true.

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  23. First of all, let me say that I'm impressed that you worked "jocular" into this post.

    I don't mean to minimize the weight of all you're dealing with, though. It is hard. It is so so hard. I am sorry for your loss in April and I'm sorry you're faced with insensitive people that you really can't avoid.

    I wish you and Grey well as you navigate through these turbulent waters.

    {{{{Cristy}}}}}

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  24. It is a dark place you're in. I'm right there with you. Don't give up. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're not alone.

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  25. Cristy, I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could write words to comfort you as much as you have done for me but all I can say is to hang in there and don't give up. From all your posts, I know that you and Grey love each other. Keep fighting. XOXO

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