Saturday, January 12, 2013

Proof that I know nothing at all

At one point, I thought I had all of this figured out.

Initially, this first bit of false confidence came when I was 18 yrs old, convinced that I could tackle anything and everything that was thrown at me. Little did I know how beautifully and often I would fail. And it would take me even longer to figure out that failure was necessary.

Later it was when I started graduate school. I never fathomed that I would be my greatest opponent.

It happened again when Grey and I started this TTC process, with me assuming that achieving pregnancy would be the easy part.

Then came last December, where I was convinced that I just needed to become pregnant.

The final one came this last June. Following the Hail Mary FET, I really believed that our dream of biological children had died. That treatment had failed tragically and that it was time to move on.

By now, you all know the events of the past 6 months. From therapy, to exploring adoption, to seeking a second opinion, to a potential diagnosis, to deciding to do a final round of treatment, etc, etc.

Everything moving along, everything working better than expected.

Then we hit our first hiccup.

It's no secret that Seattle shuts down at the first hint of snow. 2008 was an absolute disaster on this level, with basic services coming to a halt for 2 weeks (in some areas 3 weeks) simply because the city couldn't figure out how to clear the streets of snow.

So, when the forecast called for 20% chance of snow, Grey and I strategized how how we were going to get to our clinic, which is located in a neighborhood named "First Hill."

It was then I decided that we should move the first beta to Friday, thinking I had eliminated our problem.

Within the next 48 hrs, our roof began to leak, we discovered that one of the morons we lived with had vandalized the door to the roof in an attempt to access it (thankful they failed, otherwise I'm convinced they would have also fallen off the roof), lights started going out around the building and Grey managed to catch the flu. To deal with the leak, we had to arrange for a contractor to come out Friday morning for an inspection, meaning my home was going to be invaded around the time that we could be getting beta results.

Grey and I spent the next hour at the coffee shop going back and forth about whether to test or not. On one end, knowing ahead of time when giving both of us an opportunity to grief prior to being invaded. On the end, we were nervous. After all, we have been through so many BFNs at this point, it's hard not to account for the emotional fallout. We finally agreed to hold off on testing till Friday morning.

And then as soon as we walked through the door at home, Grey changed his mind.

I need to state for the record once more that I hate HPTs. The whole experience is positively nerve-wreaking for me, resulting in a shaking (and more times than not crying) Cristy. So the idea of testing so early made me dread what I would find, with me trying to reason that it was still early and a BFN didn't mean anything. I was sure we'd see nothing. With the way our luck had been going, I couldn't fathom a different outcome.

So when we saw those 2 lines, all I could do was stare while Grey burst into tears.

On Friday, despite an exploding bus that shut down the interstate for hours and the fact that the computer system was down at our clinic, we learned my first beta was a robust 163.1. Progesterone level was 62.89. For the first time since November, I allowed myself to breathe a sigh of relief.

Both Grey and I are still in shock over this. Yes, I knew logically that this could work, but none of this good news really sunk in. Sure, we're happy (please don't misunderstand), but what we're also dealing with is anxiety. Since the news on Friday, we've both been having flashbacks to where we were last January, with the D&C being on Jan 11, 2012, and then again with March. In truth there are moments where we both have been struggling to not allow fear to take over as this time has been the period where everything we hoped for has literally died.

Beta #2 is tomorrow. And I'm in full distraction mode.

Come on guys. Grow.

42 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh Cristy! So happy for you. I really hope this is it. GROW embies!

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  2. Love you so much! I'm hoping for you and Grey with every ounce of strength I have!

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  3. Yay! Yay! Yay! What exciting news! So happy for you and Grey! Grow baby(ies) grow!

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  4. I've been thinking and hoping for you all week. Thank you for posting today. It gives me life and hope for our next round of IVF coming up this month. Grow baby grow!!!

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  5. Cristy, I have tears in my eyes. Big, fat happy tears. I've been hoping so hard for this news for you.

    Of course you're both going to feel afraid and anxious and cautious. I don't know of any way to talk you out of those feelings and I'm not sure I should. From my end, all I can do is keep hoping and praying that for a happy and healthy pregnancy for you.

    Big hugs to you and Grey!

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  6. Holy sh*t! That's great news! I'm jumping for joy! Lots of hugs to you and Grey!

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  7. Tears of happiness, Cristy! I hope more then anything that the next 9 months are smooth sailing. xoxo

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  8. Congratulations! So happy for you!

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  9. So incredibly happy for you!!!! Sending lots of thoughts for a beautiful double tomorrow!!!!

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  10. Great start. Fingers crossed for more good numbers!

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  11. Sorry, but I skipped your entire post to get to your beta number. I've been thinking of you all day!

    CONGRATS! This is super great news! I am so excited for you!

    I'm going back to read your whole post now ;)

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  12. Congratulations! Yes, you still have a long way to go, but I am so freaking happy for you!

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  13. Oh, congrats!! So great!! This podcast listener is so happy and hopeful for you. :)

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  14. I am so excited for you!!! :) That is a great number!!

    All of the Bitter Infertiles are pregnant!! Hurrah :) I totally should have stayed as a regular contributor ;) J/K. Seriously though: So. Happy!

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  15. Absolutely elated for you Cristy!!

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  16. So excited for you!! I can't believe all the stuff happening around you....that should be at least little helpful in distracting you....YAY! for wonderful beta number 1! Hoping beta #2 is doubling beautifully!!!

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  17. Oh my goodness I think my heart stopped. Can't wait to hear tomorrow's results!

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  18. Omg!!!!! Best news ever!!!!!! Congrats!!!!!!

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  19. You know I am elated. This is the best news of January. I am thinking of you, Grey, and embies constantly. I'm SO happy.

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  20. Oh, such incredibly wonderful news!! I am thrilled for you and completely understand the anxiety you are going through. Hang in there!

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  21. Woohoo!!! Congrats! Stay sticky little bean(s)!!

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  22. What fantastic news to come back to! So happy for you both. Now, keep growing embies, keep growing!!

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  23. What fantastic news to come back to! So happy for you both. Keep growing embies!!

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  24. Completely understand your response, it is completely nervewracking. Sending all the stickywishes I can muster (and congrats too of course, although you might feel its a little early)

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  25. Wonderful news. Find all the distractions you need to keep you "sane," and hang in there. Thinking good thoughts.

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  26. Oh my goodness! Keeping everything crossed for you!

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  27. Such wonderful news! Sending good vibes for that secod beta. Xoxo

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  28. Congratulations!! So happy for you! Hoping beta #2 is exactly where it needs to be!

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  29. Awesome! It was such a joy to read this post this morning. Thinking of you.

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  30. This is amazing, Cristy! Congrats, congrats, congrats!

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  31. Oh Cristy! I am so (cautiously) excited for you!Hoping that baby(ies) snuggle in tight.

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  32. I missed this update until today...so happy for both beta 1 and now 2. I will definitely be sending positive "grow" vibes. Keeping you in my thoughts :) Definitely cautiously excited for you!

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  33. Cardio routine is still in full swing and will be until that first u/s. Yes, I'm sweating profusely and generating some serious C&G baby vibes- I hope you feel them coming through. All my love you to doll.

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  34. I'm so thrilled for you guys. Hope this embie stays good and sticky.

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  35. Congratulations!! This is truly wonderful news, both amazing betas! Grow little baby/ies grow!!!

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  36. Congrats! Wishing you continued good betas and sending sticky thoughts your way.

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