Proof that I know nothing at all

At one point, I thought I had all of this figured out.

Initially, this first bit of false confidence came when I was 18 yrs old, convinced that I could tackle anything and everything that was thrown at me. Little did I know how beautifully and often I would fail. And it would take me even longer to figure out that failure was necessary.

Later it was when I started graduate school. I never fathomed that I would be my greatest opponent.

It happened again when Grey and I started this TTC process, with me assuming that achieving pregnancy would be the easy part.

Then came last December, where I was convinced that I just needed to become pregnant.

The final one came this last June. Following the Hail Mary FET, I really believed that our dream of biological children had died. That treatment had failed tragically and that it was time to move on.

By now, you all know the events of the past 6 months. From therapy, to exploring adoption, to seeking a second opinion, to a potential diagnosis, to deciding to do a final round of treatment, etc, etc.

Everything moving along, everything working better than expected.

Then we hit our first hiccup.

It's no secret that Seattle shuts down at the first hint of snow. 2008 was an absolute disaster on this level, with basic services coming to a halt for 2 weeks (in some areas 3 weeks) simply because the city couldn't figure out how to clear the streets of snow.

So, when the forecast called for 20% chance of snow, Grey and I strategized how how we were going to get to our clinic, which is located in a neighborhood named "First Hill."

It was then I decided that we should move the first beta to Friday, thinking I had eliminated our problem.

Within the next 48 hrs, our roof began to leak, we discovered that one of the morons we lived with had vandalized the door to the roof in an attempt to access it (thankful they failed, otherwise I'm convinced they would have also fallen off the roof), lights started going out around the building and Grey managed to catch the flu. To deal with the leak, we had to arrange for a contractor to come out Friday morning for an inspection, meaning my home was going to be invaded around the time that we could be getting beta results.

Grey and I spent the next hour at the coffee shop going back and forth about whether to test or not. On one end, knowing ahead of time when giving both of us an opportunity to grief prior to being invaded. On the end, we were nervous. After all, we have been through so many BFNs at this point, it's hard not to account for the emotional fallout. We finally agreed to hold off on testing till Friday morning.

And then as soon as we walked through the door at home, Grey changed his mind.

I need to state for the record once more that I hate HPTs. The whole experience is positively nerve-wreaking for me, resulting in a shaking (and more times than not crying) Cristy. So the idea of testing so early made me dread what I would find, with me trying to reason that it was still early and a BFN didn't mean anything. I was sure we'd see nothing. With the way our luck had been going, I couldn't fathom a different outcome.

So when we saw those 2 lines, all I could do was stare while Grey burst into tears.

On Friday, despite an exploding bus that shut down the interstate for hours and the fact that the computer system was down at our clinic, we learned my first beta was a robust 163.1. Progesterone level was 62.89. For the first time since November, I allowed myself to breathe a sigh of relief.

Both Grey and I are still in shock over this. Yes, I knew logically that this could work, but none of this good news really sunk in. Sure, we're happy (please don't misunderstand), but what we're also dealing with is anxiety. Since the news on Friday, we've both been having flashbacks to where we were last January, with the D&C being on Jan 11, 2012, and then again with March. In truth there are moments where we both have been struggling to not allow fear to take over as this time has been the period where everything we hoped for has literally died.

Beta #2 is tomorrow. And I'm in full distraction mode.

Come on guys. Grow.